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for being a SAHM

492 replies

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 13/05/2007 10:12

i am a SAHM because
I have a severely disabled child. I have to be on call 24/7 as she also has epilepsy/
Dh is happy for me to be a SAHM and we manage finacially.
apart from respite we have no one to help if she is ill or in the school hoildays.

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mamhaf · 14/05/2007 14:13

No, you're not being unreasonable.
The Sunday Times yesterday had a bit about how the debate about SAHM/WOHM has moved on in the States because of a realisation that the debate should be about how employers treat working parents.
The conclusion was that it was pointless for women to waste energy on the SAHM/WOHM debate when they should focus on campaigning for better provision for whatever your choice happens to be...whether that's tax breaks or better childcare etc.
Xenia - one of your earlier posts implies that Cameron will be in a position to do something about this - we'll have to wait to see if he's elected of course. Whoever is in power, we need to push politicians to provide what parents need in order to exercise their choices.
The person being tipped for deputy leadership of Labour is Harriet Harman - if she gets there, it'll be interesting to see what she manages to achieve before the next election and whether that helps or hinders you as a parent...then make sure you register your approval/disapproval at the ballot box.
Politics aside, the sad reality is that whatever you choice you make, as a mother it feels like you're always being criticised - particularly dismaying when the criticism comes from other women.

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 14:15

now i know what id did wrong I married for love not money

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mamhaf · 14/05/2007 14:18

A colleague (now divorced) said she should have married for money, not love.
"Because you can have love on the side, not the other way around"
She's now with a hospital consultant and enjoying both.

Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 14:18

I am happy to heap criticism on men too for letting their women do too much domestic stuff at home and allowing their wives to give up work.

LittleMouseWithCLogsOn · 14/05/2007 14:18

oh xenia
do you ever ge tbored going on and on abotu worka dn private educaiton

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 14/05/2007 14:19

Xenia as long as you don't heap any on mine.

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lucyellensmum · 14/05/2007 14:23

Xenia - "What puzzles me is why do people want this being with the child? Yes, I loved to see babies learning to crawl, little steps, learning to talk etc etc and I loved to see that on a daily basis and if occasionally I missed bed time that's a shame but how could anyone want that day in day out. How interminably dull"

Dull? how is watching your child blossom and grow dull? Every job has its less than glamarous, challenging, intellectual, bladebla aspects to it, even yours i daresay - it must do, else you woudlnt be sitting on MN casting your pearls of wisdom and laying the world's woes at the feet of SAHMs.

I chose to be a SAHM, yeah i know its selfish and we struggle financially for me to do so. Yeah, i get bored sometimes and wonder what is going to happen to my career. But hey, i'm an intelligent woman, when i decide to return to work, i'll find something challenging, stimulating etc etc to do, and i bet i spend time during the day thinking, oh, how dull....i wish i were doing something else.

Would i miss this time i am having with my DD, given the choice, not for all the tea in china. I do accept that some women make the choice to go to work, thats great for them, i certainly don't think that they should be made to feel guilty for their choice.

What really gets my goat is the belittling of the SAHM, what is more worthwhile than nurturing your children? There are many things which equal, but notthing, IMO that betters it.

Its OK Xenia, you really don't have to justify your choices, im sure you are a great mum and your children admire and respect you (really, im not being sarcastic they must be well proud of you). so pleasedon't feel that you have to justify it to yourself by so verdantly defending your lifestyle at teh expence of others.

anniemac · 14/05/2007 14:25

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dinosaur · 14/05/2007 14:26

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Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 14:27

The working mother case is rarely put as a positive thing that is the right choice so I just like to put it as we read so much about how stay at home is morally and psychologically best that working mothers get sick of that. It's nice to set out why it's actually beneficial to work, not just something you have to do because of money etc.

I haven't belittled them. They seem to feel internally belittled for some reason. I asked why it wasn't dull because I genuinely can't see why not? I suspect like many working mothers and probably a lot of men we do find it dull with children for long days and like the variety of childcare plus work. Some mothers on maternity leave even with subsequent children are itching to get back. Perhaps if a man is fed up at work he (or even a woman) if they can afford it shoudl have the chance to stay home but it should certainly not be a position women can "bag" within a marriage and say - tough - you're male, you have to work for 40 years whether you like it or not.

anniemac · 14/05/2007 14:28

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dinosaur · 14/05/2007 14:31

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Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 14:32

It's interesting that if I won the lottery I would carry on working. In a sense I could sell all assets now and not work (just) but I work because I like the work I suppose like some stay at home fathers and mothers love what they do. It's not about the money. It's about liking how you spend your time.

Chelseamum · 14/05/2007 14:32

Very interesting debate - watching on the sidelines...

Agree a lot with Poppler and Xenia.


anniemac · 14/05/2007 14:32

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anniemac · 14/05/2007 14:33

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Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 14:34

d, that's interesting becauyse I remember when I was 22 with my first baby and even at 36 with the twins that yes woudl be fun to play with them, I adored breastfeeding them, cuddling them, all those nice things when they look at you and hug you, love talking to the 8 year olds, even qute like teenagers and find the ones at univesrity fascinating to talk to I like it for a limited time. May be I have ADD (joke) but I have a time of internal stop watch which after a time I want to hand the child of whatever age back to someone else and get on with something else. A bit like I wouldn't want to do gardening all day

mamhaf · 14/05/2007 14:34

I understand entirely what Xenia is saying - I found it incredibly boring being at home with small babies and went back to work when they were a few months old.
Now dds are older I love it - although I love my job too and we all benefit from the economic benefits.
But - and here's where I differ from Xenia - I can understand that not everyone (in fact probably the majority of mothers) finds it tedious to be at home with children.
Good luck to them. As someone else said, what children need is a happy mother (or happy parents). They also need first-class childcare whether that's from a parent or someone in the parents' place.
Shouldn't we focus our efforts on making sure that society supports whatever decision you make as a mother?

dinosaur · 14/05/2007 14:35

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GameGirly · 14/05/2007 14:38

Dino, I think you're right about the age thing. I had my first at 23. We were both starting out on our careers (in fact, DH was made redundant shortly before DD1 was born) and had little money to speak of. Financially, I had to go back to work. Had we waited another 10 years, we would have been more financially stable and I probably wouldn't have gone back.

Chelseamum · 14/05/2007 14:41

dino, don't agree with the age argument.
I've had my babies in my 30's after a good career in TV. Now, planning to get back and stop being a sham. As I said before I admire all Shams because I just cannot do it anymore. I NEED to leave the domestic enviroment or I will go mental.

anniemac · 14/05/2007 14:41

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lucyellensmum · 14/05/2007 14:42

Some mummies go to work, some mummies stay at home, some daddies go to work, some daddies stay at home, ho hum da de da, the world goes on, don't burn that bra!

dinosaur · 14/05/2007 14:42

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Chelseamum · 14/05/2007 14:42

No no, She is now 11 months.

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