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AIBU?

for being a SAHM

492 replies

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 13/05/2007 10:12

i am a SAHM because
I have a severely disabled child. I have to be on call 24/7 as she also has epilepsy/
Dh is happy for me to be a SAHM and we manage finacially.
apart from respite we have no one to help if she is ill or in the school hoildays.

OP posts:

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stinkletsmum · 14/05/2007 10:39

Totally agree with you Nogoes. I was ill prepared becoming a parent, for the deluge of other peoples uninvited opinions being forced on you!

2shoes, you sound like you have enough on your plate as it is without having to question your decision to be a sahm.

You definitely aren't being unreasonable, and deserve full support for the parenting choices that you make, as they are no doubt made with your child's best interests at heart.

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MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2007 11:22

you know what, this thread was about wether 2shoes was really that unreasonalb eto be a SAHM. I think she is perfectly reasonalbe to make life choices that suit her and her family. I get really irriated by the implication that SAHM's do not work! It is work and something that brings real reward. I use dto be an underwriter and could have continued along that career path hireda nanny to rear my off spring etc etc but I choice to change careers - become a nurse and for the time being be a SAHM. I have just finished a part time nursing contract that worked around family life and it was great but not so great i would want to work full time and miss on ds childhood. Am very lucky to be in a position where we can make that choice though.

This whole 'intellectualising' and looking for social reasons and political for the choice of being SAHM or not is perhaps a way of rationalising the choice not to stay at home? THe comments made by a particular poster, yet again irritated me and I still think is talking shite around the issue but nothing i could say would change that. The quote that irks me today...

'It's a jolly good thing France and Beligium want to get women working. Some women don't know what's good for them, their daughters or their nation and need to be force out there into work and once they're doing it the scales are lifted and they realise it's what they ought to have been doing all along. We need more of that here.'

Some women dont know hwats good for them???? how very dare you! Be forced 'out there' to work. Sorry what a pile of poo

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Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 11:28

nogoes, just ignore them. I think one area I benefitted in having children before anyone in the family or friends had them was I just never really mixed with or talked to people about it. My sister has judgmental friends who make comments about various things but because I was never there or wanting to be there with other mothers and children I was isolated and insulated from it and in business contexts at work I'd mention children if relevant but most of work is not a discussion about your personal life so it didn't often come up.

So perhaps one mechanism is to try to avoid people who do comment or criticise or compare one child with another.

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Roskva · 14/05/2007 11:31

I never thought I would, but actually I find looking after my baby incredibly satisfying. I wouldn't want to miss her learning to crawl, learning to pull herself up on things, her 'chatter'. Yes, she can be incredibly hard work - if she's not strapped into her chair, she's generally up to mischief in the name of exploring, but I get so much out of watching her develop. I just wouldn't want to pay someone else to miss out on all these little milestones in her life. And I don't miss work. At all.

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anniemac · 14/05/2007 11:41

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Anna8888 · 14/05/2007 11:54

anniemac - read Xenia and Mozhe and their disciples on MN and you will see the decision to be a SAHM criticised at every opportunity.

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OrmIrian · 14/05/2007 11:56

In response to the OP.....eh?

It's just as likely for WOHMs to feel they are being unreasonable from what they read on MN.

Of course you're not.

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CS1753 · 14/05/2007 11:57

No you are not being unreasonable - everyone has there own style and life- it is up to them how they feel they will benefit their children best. You have even more pressing reasons to stay at home.

What gets me are the women/men who stay at home claiming benefits when their kids are old enough (and have no disability) to look after thmeselves after school, unfortunately this is almost always single parents which means I am always fighting this stereotype myself!

Anyone who attacks honest hard working women (SAHM & WAHM) for trying to do their best for their family becuase it doesn't fit their views just annoys me!

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anniemac · 14/05/2007 12:00

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belgo · 14/05/2007 12:01

lol in response to Xenia's post:

'Some women don't know what's good for them, their daughters or their nation'

I, evidently, don't know what's good for me

In response to the OP: there is no need for you to justify your decision to be a SAHM. People should respect you enough to let you make your own decision based on what is best for your family and you.

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Anna8888 · 14/05/2007 12:08

belgo - very well said.

Though, while I concur with the general sentiment that we all ought to respect the decisions of others and assume that they have the maturity to take a decision based on an informed view of what is right for their families, what do you do when you see someone very obviously acting outside the best interests of their family in response to societal pressure?

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belgo · 14/05/2007 12:10

Anna - unless there is abuse involved, I don't think we have the right to do or say anything.

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Anna8888 · 14/05/2007 12:11

belgo - what constitutes abuse, in your opinion?

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belgo · 14/05/2007 12:13

Anna - that's too difficult a question for me, my brain hurts just thinking about it, it obviously doesn't get used much, what with me being a SAHM and everything

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Popple · 14/05/2007 12:19

I think that more women would work if they did earn enough money to employ a good nanny who could also do the housework in their absence. Ideally, everybody would also have an equal relationship with their partner - household issues, childcare and educational issues etc.

Xenia - would you still have worked if your childcare options were limited to an average nursery rather than a well educated and dedicated nanny caring for your children in their home? Forget having a supportive partner that would provide the childcare. I'm just interested in what you would do if you were placed in different economic circumstances.

I'm a SAHM at the moment (also a part-time student) and I would like to work part-time. I want to be there for my children at the end of their school day and want to bring in more money so we are comfortable. Ths is what makes me happy and fulfilled. A good balance of work and homelife.

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Anna8888 · 14/05/2007 12:26

Popple - very well put, and I agree with your sentiments.

Isn't the really big issue, therefore, the cost of replacing a SAHM such that the standard of living of the household doesn't suffer when she is out at work? If I want to replace myself properly with all the myriad things I do for my family, and still have some time to breathe for myself, I need to earn an awful lot of money...

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geekgrrl · 14/05/2007 12:27

why would you want to pay someone to replace you though?
and what about the 'nanny/housekeeper' person? is she going to pay someone to replace her?

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Anna8888 · 14/05/2007 12:27

belgo - think about it and come back with some answers when you have

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belgo · 14/05/2007 12:30

Popple - that perfect balance is sometimes very hard to achieve. Most likely someone, something has to be compromised. I've accepted that compromise, and have found happiness.

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Anna8888 · 14/05/2007 12:44

geekgrrl - I don't want someone to replace me, but if I did (or had to), it would be very, very expensive to find someone who could do everything I do... so I'd need to earn an awful lot of money...

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MamaMaiasaura · 14/05/2007 12:51

belgo some good posts there

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Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 14:05

Remember it's both man and woman who are needing child care and house keeping etc, not just the woman's wage is therefore relevant and many women earn more than their men believe it or not although on mumsnet that doesn't often seem to be the case which perhaps just shows it's not representative of the real less sexist world.

Would I leave the children in inadequate child are? Hopefully not. Many men leave their children with mothers who actually aren't that good at looking after them and shout and swear at them and pack them off in front of the TV all day when the children would be better with loving carers at a nursery which is why some children from not particularly good homes at the lowest end of most scales actually do better in nurseries than at home.

Depends what you mean is inadequate. Most state nurseries are fine and dont' do long term damage however much stay home mothers want to con themselves that that is so.

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LittleMouseWithCLogsOn · 14/05/2007 14:05

most men earn more than women

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anniemac · 14/05/2007 14:11

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Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 14:12

I think 3 in 4 or 4 in 5, in the UK, that's true. But it's changing a lot. Still a lot of women consciously or unconsciously will not easily go out with men who earn more and marry up even if they profess to be egalitarian about it.

What puzzles me is why do people want this being with the child? Yes, I loved to see babies learning to crawl, little steps, learning to talk etc etc and I loved to see that on a daily basis and if occasionally I missed bed time that's a shame but how could anyone want that day in day out. How interminably dull. And to get no pay for that, little appreication from your other half, complete career destruction usually and ultimately absolutely no thanks from children who just wonder why you never achieved anything and can't afford to buy their trainers it really is a lose lose situation which is puzzling that so many women apparently love.

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