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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being a SAHM

492 replies

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 13/05/2007 10:12

i am a SAHM because
I have a severely disabled child. I have to be on call 24/7 as she also has epilepsy/
Dh is happy for me to be a SAHM and we manage finacially.
apart from respite we have no one to help if she is ill or in the school hoildays.

OP posts:
TnOgu · 13/05/2007 14:46

To be honest Rantum I'm reaching the point where I feel like avoiding every debate on here

TnOgu · 13/05/2007 14:52

And in answer to your question 2 shoes, NO, you are not being unreasonable, at all!

Rantum · 13/05/2007 14:56

TnOgu - me too. I frequently take extended breaks from MN , which is a shame cos there are some great people who have given great advice to me in the past.

Nonetheless I do accept that it is a public forum for debate, but when threads descend into petty squabbles I usually it or try to see the amusing absurdity of it.

Rantum · 13/05/2007 14:57

"usually LEAVE it"

Rantum · 13/05/2007 14:58

I also leave threads when my ability to construct grammatically correct sentences fails me, [grin}

TnOgu · 13/05/2007 15:03

I left [de-registered ] to concentrate on real life for a while, missed MN and certain people so came back.

However I seriously don't see my added value on this sight at all so will perhaps return to my other life again.

I'm too sensitive and not too bright and prone to depresson, so a bad combo for MN methinks

Sorry for hijack 2shoes, and for what it's worth you are FAB!

Wotzsaname · 13/05/2007 15:06

TN - I wondered what had happend as I didn't see you around in the midnight hours. Glad you are back...thought you might have nchanged.

TnOgu · 13/05/2007 15:09

[Howareye, Wotza?]

McDreamy · 13/05/2007 15:12

2shoes you sound like you're a great mum

I respect any mums choice WAM SAHM quite frankly it has nothing to do with me. I choose to be a SAHM, I left my nursing career in the military to do so. I miss it but I don't regret it, it is a complete lifestyle choice

AFWIW I'm not even sure I will go back to work when the children all at school. I have a while before that happens though!!!

Original poster
2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 13/05/2007 19:24

i haven't been allowed on pc much today due to ds doing courswork.
Thanks for listening to my moan and for all your replies. this is what i love about mn you can come on here have a moan and people listen (and quite rightly not always agree)
I just wanted to add that I have nothing but admiration for working mums. I am amazed that they can fit it all in so i take my hat of to you.

OP posts:
Pixel · 13/05/2007 23:07

2shoes, I know exactly what you mean, I get the same from my sister. Lots of pointed remarks that are obviously aimed at me about people who don't work and how nice it must be to have so much time to do things. It would be funny if it wasn't so annoying because she only works four days a week! I just pretend I haven't noticed the digs because I don't like feeling I have to justify myself and I don't want to get into a row.

fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 23:14

Why does someone on every thread Xenia posts on, be rude to her???

It's very bloody boring after a while.

FGS, everyone is entitled to opinions.

I like reading Xenia's comments, and so what if she trys to bring intellect to every thread, that is who she is!!

mylittleimps · 13/05/2007 23:18

just want to add, everyone has to do what is right for them , for me it was to be a SAHM and this was agreed with DH before birth of first dc, however that does not mean that DH does not wish he could role reverse sometimes and probably resents the fact i am with the dc's more than him, I'm just trying to say that men sometimes struggle with their feelings of having to go out to work when in modern life it's acceptable to take on a more even role and they get, for want of a better word, jealous. it doesn't mean they really wish you worked. perhaps he wishes he could take your strain a bit more? or if he's had a bad day at work, thinks your day has been really easy as you're at home lol i've had that one!!

MamaMaiasaura · 13/05/2007 23:21

fff = fwiw it is the first post i think i have made to xenia and the first thread on which we have both commented, I didnt make the comment cos i thought it was the norm to, simply because she really got my bacjk up by inferring the decision to stay at home had its rooted in neo-nazi facism, which i found offensive, unnessesary parrell and completely irrelevant to the thread.

Perhas I could have toned down the language a bit but the sentiments behind my post still stands.

fireflyfairy2 · 13/05/2007 23:25

I just think it is disrespectful of peoples feelings when others think it perfectly reasonable to state "Xenia you talk bollox" or "Xenia, piss off!"

Extend her the same courtesy she does to others who don't hold the same opinion of her. If you search her threads/posts you will have a pretty hard job finding any that Xenia has been deliberately rude or just plain bad mannered to.

Anyway I'm not Xenia's bodyguard, I just find it plain rude & very bad manners to speak to someone in that dismissive tone

I haven't commented on what the thread was started about, as I was reading it & got a bot peeved at the outburst to Xenia. We are all allowed to go off on our rambles now & again, linking something to information we picked up somewhere, but as soon as it is Xenia, she is jumped on.

Anyway, I need to go to bed now Night xx

MamaMaiasaura · 13/05/2007 23:32

fair enough - but i wouldnt have cared if it was the prince of persia who posted the comments about neo nazism.. I would have said that the Prince of Persia talked a load of shite. Say it as i see it, thats all.

paulaplumpbottom · 13/05/2007 23:39

It is never unreasonable to do what you think is best for your family

mummypigoink · 13/05/2007 23:49

I think it's very sad that being a SAHM is viewed by so many as demeaning. It's the most important job in the world. I know I'm now going to get the p!ss taken out of me for making that statement, but the hand that rocks the cradle...

And it's the most difficult. There's no working time directive, no negotiation, no defined lunch breaks, no holiday pay...

No, I'm not a SAHM, nor do I wish to be. I've found what I consider to be a very happy compromise (I work 3 days, DD1&2 each have 1 day with grandparent, 2 days at nursery,). This balances my need for my job, which I enjoy, and my need for my children's primary caregiver to be one of their parents.

I was probably of the career first mindset until I had children. I worked 4 days to start with, and hated it, hated what I was missing out on. But, oddly, 3 days and I'm happy. Now I think that SAHM is more 'normal' than 'working' mum

LadyOfTheFlowers · 13/05/2007 23:51

i dont say this very often but.....
i only ever wanted to be a sahm.....
how positively pants of me.....

plus, we couldnt afford the childcare even if i wanted to work.

TwirlyN · 13/05/2007 23:56

mpo you must have very good children if there is no negotiating in you home. I can always negotiating with my two.

mummypigoink · 14/05/2007 00:01

TwirlyN ~ I meant that negotiation is pointless with kids. At least with my kids. At least at work I can assume that people have a logical, senisble position that they will accept: this is not the case with DDs.

They want their own way, and that is it.

Judy1234 · 14/05/2007 07:09

I was a bit misquoted there. On that bit we were talking about Germany. Mothers are encouraged to be home there but not in France and I was trying to find out why French women usually want to work when their children are under 1 and German Haus Fraus stay at home. Assuming it's not genetic it must be tradition and conditioning and it was certainly know throughout the work that a woman's place was there in the house when the more left wing countries were espousing women's rights in a way Nazi Germany did not. In fact since then Germany has had some pretty good and even too good, i.e. violent, feminists but it doesn't look like they've gone a good enough job.

It will be interesting to see what Cameron does. The Conservatives traditionally have really wanted women at home and Labour in the workplace. Blair has done a lot of working parents or tried to. Cameron's wife like Blair's works but I think not full time. I expect he will know that it's a political minefield to treat this line between women at home family values etc when 4 in 5 women with under 5s works and many many want to work so it's not much of a vote catching thing to come up with policies designed to keep women at home but we'll see.

Anna8888 · 14/05/2007 08:07

Xenia - I think the reasons women in any particular culture "want" to be SAHMs or WOHMs go way beyond tradition/culture/conditioning.

In France, the political will to get/keep women in the workplace in order for them to contribute to the economy is huge. The whole system is biased, making it extremely difficult for women if they decide not to work when they have children - no NHS antenatal groups, no NCT, no mother-and-toddler facilities, no alimony on divorce, lots of cheap childcare. And the political agenda is always for increasing help to WOHMs whereas nothing is done for SAHMs.

Yet, DESPITE the huge bias against SAHMs, I heard yesterday a statistic that is very telling: of parents with two children of whom at least one is under three, 96% of fathers work and only 59% of mothers.

The powers that be see this as a failure, and want to do everything to get that percentage for mothers up, despite the horrendous costs to society of childcare for under threes. But the figure of 59% also demonstrates just how women, in the face of huge pressure to do the opposite, choose to stay at home with their children in the early years.

belgo · 14/05/2007 08:13

Anna - the system is similar in Belgium - not much maternity leave (15 weeks if you bf, 8 weeks if you bottle feed), cheap child care, few parent and baby groups (except the ones run by the expat community), all to keep women working. The irony is that grandparents very often help out with childcare, and are not working themselves.

Being a SAHM in this country is unfortunately very poorly valued, and are not seen as contributing to society.

Anna8888 · 14/05/2007 08:16

2shoes - I quite agree that the notion of "free choice", as if women made a decision whether to work or not when they had children entirely independently of the circumstances of their family (partner's income, partner's working pattern, children's needs, own earning power, own working pattern, family capital etc), is ridiculous.

Most women make the decision as to whether to be a SAHM or WOHM based on the needs of the family as a whole (rarely on their own selfish needs), which is the only responsible course of action for adults.

Good luck, it must be very hard having a child with SN.

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