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AIBU?

for being a SAHM

492 replies

2shoeswhoismshadowsnumber1fan · 13/05/2007 10:12

i am a SAHM because
I have a severely disabled child. I have to be on call 24/7 as she also has epilepsy/
Dh is happy for me to be a SAHM and we manage finacially.
apart from respite we have no one to help if she is ill or in the school hoildays.

OP posts:

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Wotzsaname · 18/05/2007 09:39

Please can everyone stop posting now on this thread and respect the wishes of the original poster.
Please start a new thread to discuss the benefits of working fulltime or being an SAHM to which I will be happy to contribute.

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artishoo · 18/05/2007 09:41

Xenia as i said i usually dont mind what you have to say, its great that some women work and raise children and others do not.. But in this instance you are coming across as someone who thinks they are superior. And that's not right.
I accept your choices suit your personality, but to feel superior to another woman, who decides to let go of her career to look after her children, especially if it means dedicating time to look after a child with SN, is unacceptable imo.

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Justaboutmanaging · 18/05/2007 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judy1234 · 18/05/2007 09:54

She can't cope with someone not agreeing with her? I certainly agree people should be courteous. I'm not sure it is wise not to comment though because the whole point of free speech is you can stand the views of others, tolerate them, be glad they are made even if you disagree with them.

I have never ever said I was superior to anyone. In fact I think I often say we are all equal under the eyes of God. There is probably very little harder than caring for a severely disabled child. I don't think I could do it.

If someone feels it is the right thing to do to stay at home then I don't see why if someone says otherwise that troubles them.

It's like the Chinese banning certain sites on Google. We just don't want to move anywhere in that direction.

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littlelapin · 18/05/2007 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaintGeorge · 18/05/2007 10:00

It is nothing to do with not agreeing with someone.

Maybe the title of the thread is misleading you somewhat as it is not quite specific enough to the OP.

The original question was regarding the mother of a child with special needs. Your points of view are misplaced here. By all means take it to another thread as many people have politely asked you, but why persist in upsetting someone by obstinately continuing your discussion here?

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Caroline1852 · 18/05/2007 11:21

It is my observation that Xenia's "working mother is best" viewpoint is applied to everybody without any regard to the facts or personalities involved. She does not say "this works best for me and these are my circs". She has to make it best for all of us and if she fails to convince anyone then her final word on the subject is that they must be working class, depressed or totally lacking in intellect.
Someone else on this thread talked about the choice having been removed (she had to work when her marriage collapsed) and that it worth bearing in mind. Some people do not have the luxury of choosing whether or not to stay home. I stay at home. It would be much more lucrative if I went off on the 8.10am every morning to the City (I am a professional) but I prefer to be at home with my children. I am quite comfortable with people doing the opposite and going to work but for me and my family home is best.
Xenia - completely disregarding people's viewpoint and shouting louder (and perhaps in a posher accent than others as you have mentioned) is not democracy, it is bad manners which ever side of the railway you live!

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mozhe · 18/05/2007 11:53

Why is it that those trying to put forward ideas that support a WOHM-lifestyle are often the targets of..outright abuse/vitriol OR 'forced' off the thread ? And those who utterly defend the SAHM-lifestyle are so prone to misinterpretation and defensiveness ? I've read the whole thread and Xenia hasn't been rude or discourteous, agree she has strong opinions,( and they are in direct opposition to others ? )but why should she start another thread ? because you don't want to hear what she says, and you are angry with her....but ask yourselves why ?
BTW not stirring but genuinely interested..
wasn't going to post on this thread but couldn't resist...

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MamaMaiasaura · 18/05/2007 11:57

mozhe - obv your interpretation of her comments and implications are greatly different from mine and it appears others.

Caroline - very well put. I have been unable to express myself on here so well.

mamazon -

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Judy1234 · 18/05/2007 12:14

It's perfectly possible just to ignore views of course, isn't it? Some of us know in our heart of hearts all adults should work or all mothers of under 5s should be at home. But I don't think it's wrong to say what you think is right as an objective truth - e.g. wrong to cane children or wrong to allow men to have two wives or whatever the point is. There are genuine rights and wrongs in the world and it's important people state their views. I think most women benefit from working and their chidlren do too. Most people don't say that. There's some kind of cost cartel of lovey dovey stay at home mother pathetic-ness which seems to think they have some kind of moral high ground when they don't. Perhaps.... wait for it... they have moral low ground and damage their children for staying home in some cases.

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Caroline1852 · 18/05/2007 12:48

I have a problem with SAHMs being pathetic and WOHMs being seen as champions. I think there are all sorts in both camps (and they are not mutually exclusive). Why does it have to be a competition? Why can't we be comfortable with each other's decision (which is not always made by choice). I don't resent Xenia having her opinions but I do resent having her opinions foisted upon me as though I am not able to make my own decisions for myself. I have my own principles thanks Xenia, they are well formulated and clear and make me comfortable living the life I live.

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mozhe · 18/05/2007 12:59

Where's the foisting???!!!

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MamaMaiasaura · 18/05/2007 13:04

mozhe - your obviously seeing the posts from xenia in a very different light.

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MamaMaiasaura · 18/05/2007 13:04

mozhe - your obviously seeing the posts from xenia in a very different light.

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ScottishThistle · 18/05/2007 13:05

"Stay at home mother patheticness!"

That's surely quote of the week!

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ScottishThistle · 18/05/2007 13:08

Mozhe, I think it's fair to say that a Woman who fails to understand why any woman would wish to spend her day with small children (Xenia) will not be able to say anything which a SAHM will not find offensive tbh!

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Judy1234 · 18/05/2007 13:15

I am not a Government or abuser forcing anyone into any kind of view. You don't have to read what I post. You don't have to read any press article saying working parents damage chidlren or stay at home parents damage children or whatever. I don't strap you to a chair, deprive you of food water and sleep and hypnotise or drug you into adopting my views. But don't forget women and men fought very hard to get women equality in the work place and every woman who might have done well professionally who chooses to stay at home instead is damaging other women and their daughters. May be a Judas betrayer? Slink back to your kitchens with guilt....

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mozhe · 18/05/2007 14:16

yep...couldn't have put it better.

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Elasticwoman · 18/05/2007 14:26

I don't feel any guilt for staying at home. But I do think I should vote at every opportunity and contribute to the good of the community in other ways (than going out to work).

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Stargazer · 18/05/2007 14:29

I don't think being a SAHM is unreasonable at all. I am and am proud to be. I worked full-time until I was 41 (went back to work following birth of DS). I am now in the fortunate position of not having to work - so I stay at home and look after my children. I love it. I realise just how much of my DS's childhood I missed and am making up for it now. In a few years, when my DD (5) is older I shall go back to work - in the meantime I enjoy caring for my family.

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mamhaf · 18/05/2007 14:33

Actually, I have more of a problem with WOHMs or WOHDs who would clearly rather be a SAHM/SAHD. Imho there's a tendency to think the employer owes them a whole lot of 'rights' which they might have the right to request, but might also be refused on perfectly legitimate grounds.
For instance, IABU in thinking that a dad employed by the same company, whose wife, also employed by the company and on paid maternity leave, has the right for paid time off to accompany them to a regular immunisation session?
A whole new debate, I know, but forcing parents to work when they'd rather be at home with the child is counter-productive and, again imho, damages the cause of equality in the workplace.

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belgo · 18/05/2007 14:35

interesting point mamhaf. Maybe worth starting a new thread to discuss them.

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Caroline1852 · 18/05/2007 15:03

lol @ "slink back to your kitchens with guilt".
Xenia, you are not a government or an abuser (at least not a physical abuser) but your stance against SAHMs is misguided. I think you will find that some spend a lot of time in their kitchens and some hardly go in there at all. Just as there are all sorts of WOHMs there are all sorts of SAHMs. They are no more likely to be dim, working class, unqualified, stepford wife-ish and pathetic than WOHMs.
Just a thought, but have you had your testosterone levels checked recently as the agression and anger you display may point to some hormonal imbalance?

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yellowrose · 18/05/2007 16:16

"but forcing parents to work when they'd rather be at home with the child is counter-productive and, again imho, damages the cause of equality in the workplace"

mamhaf - excellent point, i said as much on the tax credits thread.

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yellowrose · 18/05/2007 16:19

oh and i love freedom of speech, yet stop myself from persistently critising other cultures (i.e. men who have 2 wives, the French, the working classes, etc. that is NOT my definition of freedom of speech, it is just rude).

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