To be sick and fed up with my husband?

[kramerr]

Today my husband forgot to pick the baby up from nursery. I'd like to say that this is an isolated incident but it's not. I feel really unsupported by him at home but he is a good man, father and uncle, provides for us all, works hard and is very kind and calm.

But fucking useless at doing anything that's not revolving around him.

Never bought (as in picked out) any clothes for the kids, shoes, xmas presents etc. Forgot my birthday last year. Forgets his family birthdays all the time. Forgets when I tell him about parents evening , doctors appointments, never made an appointment for anyone for anything apart from himself.

I sent him a message six ways (WhatsApp 2 texts Facebook and two emails) asking him to pick something up from the in-laws within a week, anytime he wanted... he didn't do it.

I feel like I'm constantly promoting, nagging, checking, second prompting and reminding. I've had enough. I left Home tonight (for about 90 minutes 🤣).

AIBU?

YANBU - if he's holding down a career successfully enough to support his family I can't believe for one second he's actually incapable of remembering things he needs to do. Does he have any bright ideas as to why he's so utterly incompetent?

I also work 4 days 30 hours a week. He does about 60. But that doesn't absolve him of responsibility at home IMO.

He says he gets bogged down with work. I know he works hard but so do I!! I dont want the world, just a hit if effort 😞

In fact closer to 50 hours

Let's be real, he's not a good father if he forgot to pick up his own kid...

What was his excuse for not picking them up? I would be furious!

Agree with catspaw

Yanbu.

He sounds useless and inconsiderate.

Ginger bogged down with work (working from home) and didn't realise the time 🙄

I was lost for words

I forgot to pick up DD2 from childminder once, at home for about half an hour and thought something was missing

When my husband is super busy at work he forgets everything!! He will lose his wallet, phone, work phone, keys, something on a daily basis and spend most of the evening looking for it, taking apart the flat. He just gets so distracted with work he can't function properly.

I've never tested him on picking up the baby though, I'd hope he wouldn't forget but he probably would to be honest. Nightmare!

I’d have cried 😢

I flounced out in a mood before, came back in a mood, now I'm in bed in a mood and I hate our relationship being like this! I feel like his mum a lot of the time

I may be being too lenient here, but is there any chance DH is dyspraxic or has dyspraxic tendencies? My OH has it and has no time perception and has a brain like a sieve. It's quite common for things like that not to be picked up during people's time at school.

That being said, if your DH knows he forgets things, he should probably set alarms on his phone for the important ones like picking his child up...

He sounds like his is very disorganised.

I think calling someone who works 50-60 hours a week useless is a bit harsh. If a man came on here and called his wife useless there would be an uproar.

Why do these threads always contain the sentence - he is a good man, father - and then go on on to detail all the ways in which these useless gobshites are absolutely not a “good man”.

Are your standards really that low that you genuinely consider him a good man and a good father? He forgot to pick up his own child. What would he need to do for you to consider him a shit father?

This happened to me. Frequently with my ex.

He still did it when we split.

It was awful, but I was sick of 'enabling' him. He'd turn up at the wrong day, wrong party, forget to pick DS up from school (5yo!)

I actually had a thread on here about how I felt I'd married a big baby. I did. It never got better.

I got a hell of a lot of stick on it as he worked long hours but fuck me it was like a 3rd child. Dickhead.

Awwww bless him.

Seeing as you know he is like this, why on earth do you put these massive responsibities on him?

Deliberately setting him up for a fall?

Stop being such a blooming drama Queen.

Joanna I'm going out on a whim and guessing that's a joke

Just tell him - you're not a good father. I see that now. You're just selfish. I don't want a selfish husband. Change or we will split. And I don't want sex with you any more, you feel like a 3rd child, which isn't sexy, so let's have no more sex please. Until you grow up.

Fizzy I think Is more self centred than selfish but yes a total child and a drain on my emotions for sure

He's making a choice not to do these things, and you're enabling him to do so however unwillingly on your part....

Something has to change if you want to stay sane.

He would remember if he made any effort to do so. He doesn't make any effort, so he doesn't remember. Sounds like he is completely oblivious to the mental load, while you tie yourself in knots trying to remember everything. Why does he think it is reasonable that you do all the thinking/planning, remembering?

I have a bad memory and probably have ADHD. So to remember important things, I have lots of lists, alarms on my phone, leave notes around, the whole shebang. And if I had something important like remembering to pick up my baby, I would do all the above and probably drive home chanting 'must pick up baby' until it was ingrained.

I bet he remembers things he has to do at work a lot more reliably. He simply needs to prioritise his home life by a similar amount and apply whatever techniques he applies at work to remembering to pick up the baby.

I hope you sent him straight back out to collect the baby, make his excuses to the nursery, that do not include the words 'my wife didn't remind me' and pay any fines that arose out of his own personal spending money.

If you can organise yourself in a Big Important Job, you can use the same techniques at home. Unless, of course, you think that's someone else's job.

Arrange a system of 'fines' so that when he 'forgets' something important to the family, he loses some treat/luxury or gets an additional least enjoyed family chore - and you gain something that you really want (or time to do something that you want)?

This way you don't need to feel so angry and let down - you have 'won' a treat.

Family things need to be made a priority.