To be sick and fed up with my husband?

[kramerr]

Today my husband forgot to pick the baby up from nursery. I'd like to say that this is an isolated incident but it's not. I feel really unsupported by him at home but he is a good man, father and uncle, provides for us all, works hard and is very kind and calm.

But fucking useless at doing anything that's not revolving around him.

Never bought (as in picked out) any clothes for the kids, shoes, xmas presents etc. Forgot my birthday last year. Forgets his family birthdays all the time. Forgets when I tell him about parents evening , doctors appointments, never made an appointment for anyone for anything apart from himself.

I sent him a message six ways (WhatsApp 2 texts Facebook and two emails) asking him to pick something up from the in-laws within a week, anytime he wanted... he didn't do it.

I feel like I'm constantly promoting, nagging, checking, second prompting and reminding. I've had enough. I left Home tonight (for about 90 minutes 🤣).

AIBU?

Any chance he has adhd? Look up Richard Bacon and his recent diagnosis

You need to sort this and follow everyone’s advice asap. Forgetting to pick up your kid is bad enough - what if one day, he forgets to drop them off and they’re left in a hot car? Your husband needs to be part of the solution to, otherwise he won’t stick to new systems and it’s just another way that you’ll be sucked in to organising the mental load.

God it's annoying me and I don't know the man.

@CrispsForTea :
"I may be being too lenient here, but is there any chance DH is dyspraxic or has dyspraxic tendencies? My OH has it and has no time perception and has a brain like a sieve. It's quite common for things like that not to be picked up during people's time at school.

That being said, if your DH knows he forgets things, he should probably set alarms on his phone for the important ones like picking his child up..."

My DH is diagnosed dyspraxic and is exactly like this (no time perception and a brain like a sieve) but he mitigates it a bit by eg putting all important things in his work diary (a separate app doesn't work as he won't remember to look at it and doesn't check his phone regularly so wouldn't see reminders) and finding systems to help him not lose things etc. He's not absolved of home responsibilities and he knows it!

I still carry more of the mental load (as planning and organising are genuinely difficult for him) but I don't resent it as he overcompensates in other areas (eg he cooks every night, I don't - I don't plan meals/shopping either but he muddles through inefficiently). I also don't do wife work like organise his family's birthday presents, he usually remembers them eventually

OP what has your husband got to say for himself? It does sounds like he is prioritising work over everything which isn't ok.

It isn't normal to forget about picking your child up because you're engrossed in a work task. I've had DH forget he was meant to be home early because a meeting overran (did he think to check his phone or text me? Of course not) as at the time all that exists is the task at hand (these men must be so relaxed!).

I haven’t read the whole thread but in all fairness it is easy to lose track of time. You said he was working from home and didn’t realise the time. That’s plausible. I remember when dd1 was in nursery I decided to give the house a good clean. It felt like only a short amount of time had gone by looked at the clock panicked and farted out the door. I was about 10 mins late getting her. It’s easily done. However, put everything else In there is a bit odd.

Mind you my dh doesn’t know anyone’s birthdays apart from mine and the kids (that’s probably only because we don’t let him forget it 🤣). But as you say about your husband. He’s a good man and Dad.

I suspect his mind is on work all the time if he does that number of hours. He won't have much time left for anything else or head space

YANBU. He sounds like a total nightmare. Can’t beliebe you’ve put up with him this long or managed to have a kid with him. I wonder if counselling might get through his thick skull? He’s taking you for granted.

50/60 hours isn’t that much. Certainly not enough to forget to pick up your baby!

60 hours a week is 4 x12 hour shifts. That's a lot

If he has work on his mind all the time then I can understand it. I'm self employed and get completely immersed in my work and really can't/hate having to turn my attention to other things. My OH used to do 12 hour shifts in a highly pressured environment plus sometimes overtime, and could not even think about anything non work related. It was work-sleep-eat. Repeat.

I feel like his mum a lot of the time
That is the job he has assigned you. If you are good friends you may be able to renegotiate.

Perhaps he should drop his hours to part time like you OP, instead of work twice as hard.

or do you need the income to keep a roof over your head?

This is a crunch point and a good time to work things out between you.

Tell him to organise babysitters and go out to a pub, cafe or somewhere you can sit and talk uninterrupted (restaurants are a bit busy). Talk about how you both see your lives and your future. You've married this chap and had kids with him. He must have good qualities. Feel the anger, tell him how you feel, talk about what needs to change.

My dad forgot to pick me up from school once - it doesn't make him a shit parent! He always did drop-offs and mum collected me from after school club. Because I never got home until late anyway, he didn't think it was unusual until the headmistress rang him to ask see where he was and he was at home cooking dinner!

I don't think mum ever let him live it down but I can see why it happened!

60 hours a week is a lot

Have you asked him to cut down. Hes currently doing over 1 1/2 full time jobs

He doesn’t sound that bad tbh. 60 hours a week is a lot- it must be exhausting (I’m not for a second saying you’re not exhausted too op) forgetting to pick up occasionally isn’t really a big deal- I’ve done it a couple of times- and as for the constant birthday reminding, just don’t bother. He’s an adult and can deal with the consequences of forgetting

60 hours is a lot, and twice what the OP does. I would expect to be picking up the slack in the OP's position. At the same time, that doesn't mean he shouldn't do anything, ever, to contribute to childcare or the household.

I work from home and can get very absorbed in my work. It literally takes seconds to hold down the home button on my phone and get Siri to set an alarm for me.

This isn’t the OP’s responsibility to fix him. He needs to sort himself out.

It doesn't actually matter if he has adhd or whatever. If he's crap at remembering stuff, he needs to find ways to get better!

My memory is poor so I make sure I have systems in place to remind me of thing - reminders on my phone, alarms etc.

Everyone can set those up. There's no excuse.

I get bogged down with work sometimesand often lose track of time. Sometimes its hard to remember when its my day to do pickups and such as its often ad hoc and arranged on the day
but I can set a phone with a 30 minute reminder when we agree its my turn to pick up so I compensate for this. Not hard for an adult to come up with a way of dealing with a problem like this: if they recognise the problem and take responsibility

You say he does 60 hrs a week - is this just an expected part of the job? or does his poor timekeeping prioritisation and task management influence his job too?

Its actually about 50

But fucking useless at doing anything that's not revolving around him.

And there is your answer. Some PP are trying to be supportive by suggesting what the core 'diagnosis' might be but if he always remembers things that benefits him, then that is your answer. He is just selfish.

I've seen people do this before. They do everything they are asked to do (but don't want to do) really badly so that others get frustrated with them and eventually they are not asked to do those tasks again. It is a huge result for them. Going through life doing only the things that they please.

You didn't answer my question - would you be happy for him to go part time like you, Op, or would that cause a drop in money ?

He isn't a good father or husband. He's an extra child.
He's not taking responsibility for anything because he knows you will pick up the slack.
Both me and my husband work full time in occasionally all consuming , stressful jobs but neither of us have ever forgotten to collect our child and both contribute to the practical responsibilities of having a family and running a house.

He's taking the piss and needs to step up to his responsibilities

My DH used to do this. We have 3 DC and I reckon he forgot to collect them from school or childminder at least 10 times over the years. He claimed it was absent mindedness and " didn't notice the time" - he'd often be at home, ( shiftworker) tinkering around on the piano or some such.
We're still together, but for a long time his fai lure to adult really chipped away at our relationship. It affected my work, and still does, as I ended up leaving a career because I couldn't deal with the pressure of doing everything and picking up the pieces after his fuckups. He even left the front door open, more than once! Luckily I had good neighbours who phoned me!
DC are grown up now, but I can feel my blood pressure going up just thinking about it.
No advice though, I tried everything and nothing really worked. Tell him how you feel, see if he changes, and decide if it's a dealbreake r.