To be sick and fed up with my husband?

[kramerr]

Today my husband forgot to pick the baby up from nursery. I'd like to say that this is an isolated incident but it's not. I feel really unsupported by him at home but he is a good man, father and uncle, provides for us all, works hard and is very kind and calm.

But fucking useless at doing anything that's not revolving around him.

Never bought (as in picked out) any clothes for the kids, shoes, xmas presents etc. Forgot my birthday last year. Forgets his family birthdays all the time. Forgets when I tell him about parents evening , doctors appointments, never made an appointment for anyone for anything apart from himself.

I sent him a message six ways (WhatsApp 2 texts Facebook and two emails) asking him to pick something up from the in-laws within a week, anytime he wanted... he didn't do it.

I feel like I'm constantly promoting, nagging, checking, second prompting and reminding. I've had enough. I left Home tonight (for about 90 minutes 🤣).

AIBU?

He is choosing to be like this by doing nothing to help himself.

I recognise that I don't have the best memory for random tasks outwith my routine so I set alarms on my phone, I write lists and stick post-its on my screen at work or I ask someone to remind me closer to the time if they've asked something of me (i.e. to pick something up at a shop).

I'm a functioning adult and I'd never let people down by just throwing my hands up and whining about how busy and forgetful I am.

My mother used to rant that my father (otherwise a perfect man!) could remember what was important to him. Well duh!

It has passed down the generations, from him to me and now to my two DD. He and we have all managed perfectly well to hold down jobs, but there is a memory problem. It has to be managed, and there are strategies that work.

I used to work for a guy who had a similar problem, and his strategy was... he had a sheet of A4 paper, which he folded, then folded again. He'd slip that into his inside jacket pocket, and everything connected to that day was written on it. Phone numbers, appointments, when something was arranged he'd write it down, he was obsessive about it. At the end of the day he'd transfer anything important to a day diary. He kept on top of things by recording everything and cross-checking with the day diary morning and evening.

Not sure if your DH has the same problem, but if it's driving you bonkers it might help if you got him to set up his own strategies. If he has a memory like ours, there's simply no point in expecting him to remember things, he has to make a note of everything.

Vlad

Nope, you got THAT wrong as well.

Bless you.

Seems to be a lot of bullying condoned on here - don't agree? Oh then that makes you a 'troll'. Okey dokey.

I also have a DH that has a very responsible job, in charge of over a 100 people. He also works upwards of 70hrs a week.

I work 2 days a week. I do my damndest to give him as little stress as possible at home. And it works. Much to the dismay of most females.

We are PARTNERS - he goes to work and earns the big money, and I keep house and spend the money.

Works like a dream :)

This is about more than the forgotten child incident though - that's just the straw that broke the camel's back. It sounds like he wants his life to be on his terms, and they don't include anything that involves putting himself out for others.

OP you're doing all the mental load here and at the end of your tether. He sounds like an extra teenager for you to look after - totally self absorbed, but expecting that you will always be there to do the donkey work.

I'm not sure what to suggest because I don't know what you've already tried, but if you end up having to do a lot for him to save him from himself, I'd say stopping all that would be a good first move.

Never bought (as in picked out) any clothes for the kids, shoes, xmas presents etc. Forgot my birthday last year. Forgets his family birthdays all the time. Forgets when I tell him about parents evening , doctors appointments, never made an appointment for anyone for anything apart from himself.

Oh shoot him! I've been guilty of all those things. It was a huge relief when my DDs were diagnosed with an SLD connected to memory problems, I was finally able to forgive myself for what I'd seen as mental laziness and self-involvement.

Why not look into whether he has a problem memory, rather than blaming him for something that may not be his fault?

Omg I can relate. He's never forgotten our DD but forgets birthdays, Mother's Day etc. I've recently let it go and just let him forget. I'm not living two people's lives and doing all the shit that comes from that. I just stopped. It hasn't improved yet but it's HIS Mum and it was HIS Dad's birthday. The consequences are on him.

If he has undiagnosed ADHD, he isn't choosing which things his brain decides is important enough to remember. There are free online assessments he can try. I'd only be raging at him if he isn't bothered enough to try and work out WHY he's so forgetful. And putting coping strategies in place.

@joanna 'bless you' - patronising much?

It's absolutely fine that you have decided to treat your husband like an additional child and be happy with that but it is clear that this is not what the OP signed up for and she's obviously not happy with the situation.

BTW it is actually possible to have a responsible job, employ 100's (it's always 100's) of people and STILL be a responsible father, husband and adult. It's amazing how these men can be so successful and competent at work yet total (lazy) fuck ups at home

Are you sure he hasn't got undiagnosed Asperger's? I only ask because it's something I've grown up with and a lot of what you've said sounds familiar (I'm an Aspie, so is my dad). Appointments etc. can be a nightmare to remember without the help of phone reminders and post-it notes, and obsessions (including work) can easily take over from everything else. It is selfish but isn't done with malice, it's just how we're 'wired up'. It might be worth looking into, even if it's just as a next step to trying to understand where he's coming from and to help you to decide what to do next.

It's absolutely fine that you have decided to treat your husband like an additional child and be happy with that but it is clear that this is not what the OP signed up for and she's obviously not happy with the situation.

TBH I thought that poster was just taking the opportunity to do a bit of swanking and rubbing our noses in her perfect life. 😁

Arrange a system of 'fines' so that when he 'forgets' something important to the family, he loses some treat/luxury or gets an additional least enjoyed family chore - and you gain something that you really want (or time to do something that you want)?

Aka treat him like a toddler! You are both adults and I hope you can find a way to resolve this together. What leapt out at me from your post was the fact that your DH manages to do things which are important to him

the fact that your DH manages to do things which are important to him

As I've mentioned in a previous post, my mother used to accuse my father of the same thing. But it just isn't that simple if you have 'working memory' problems. I've had people explaining things to me in several different ways, thinking one of them will get through, but it's pointless.

(I never forgot to collect my children though...)

www.additudemag.com/working-memory-deficit-weak-short-term-memory-symptoms-test-adults/

@juells haha you're probably right.

Not my idea of a perfect life though. It would drive me bonkers!

PS, think that test is just clickbait, apologies

My ex husband was exactly like this.

EX. For that reason.

Well juells if it is, it seems to affect a very large proportion of the male population, and very few females. You and your DDs must be an exception.

Why do memory problems only occur when they need to remember something that's benefits someone else? Why do they never forget anything that they want or need to do?

Why do memory problems only occur when they need to remember something that's benefits someone else? Why do they never forget anything that they want or need to do?

I'm not the right person to ask, as I'm guilty as sin.

Because they lack empathy perhaps? So the fact that something will annoy/ upset/ disappoint the other person does not compute. So it's forgotten (not really important to them).

I'm not sure why it's my responsibility to look into whether my 40 year old husband may have an undiagnosed condition... no i am not sure that he might not have XYZ but that's up to him to get what he needs if that's the case.

The Joannas of this world are why we have this idiots walking among us, imagine dating her son if this is the role model 🤣

Anyway I'm off to my friends for a large wine and I've left all the dishes in the sink!! 😆

enjoy the wine, and honestly, stop bailing him out, he won’t change but at least you will see how bad he is in reality.

I stoped doing things for the ex to show him. He went abroad for a week without pants (it was my fault), he forgot the passports on another trip (my fault as well), the house was a mess (my fault), he was going to work wearing different shoes and socks (my fault), he was wearing ripped clothes to work (my fault), the fridge was empty (my fault so he started eating DS, baby food), and... I was not supporting him enough so he could train for a marathon (bad wife, I was... obviously now, it’s ALL. my fault ).

I assure you, you will look back at things like this in the future and think: why on Earth did I put up with this?

I have dyslexia and am awful at remembering dates, I managed to accidentally book something on my dc's birthday last year. My poor wider family know I may well forget their birthday. I gift everyone during the year so everyone gets something even if not on the right date.
I have paper and electronic calendars that I check several times a day. I set alarms for really time sensitive stuff. If he has poor short term memory it is up to him to try and make better systems. Regular routines help. That said my DH is very patient with me.

And honestly, if he has memory problems, it is still your prerogative to ruin your life putting up with it or move on if you cannot stand

sounds like a twat to me

reminds me of the other poster who had to assist her dh in everything because he couldnt organise himself

bet it never happens at work