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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick and fed up with my husband?

124 replies

kramerr · 17/04/2018 21:32

Today my husband forgot to pick the baby up from nursery. I'd like to say that this is an isolated incident but it's not. I feel really unsupported by him at home but he is a good man, father and uncle, provides for us all, works hard and is very kind and calm.

But fucking useless at doing anything that's not revolving around him.

Never bought (as in picked out) any clothes for the kids, shoes, xmas presents etc. Forgot my birthday last year. Forgets his family birthdays all the time. Forgets when I tell him about parents evening , doctors appointments, never made an appointment for anyone for anything apart from himself.

I sent him a message six ways (WhatsApp 2 texts Facebook and two emails) asking him to pick something up from the in-laws within a week, anytime he wanted... he didn't do it.

I feel like I'm constantly promoting, nagging, checking, second prompting and reminding. I've had enough. I left Home tonight (for about 90 minutes 🤣).

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
kramerr · 17/04/2018 22:08

Good that still feels like parenting my husband tbh

OP posts:
Makingdinner · 17/04/2018 22:09

I think some of you are being unfair. I really struggle wiyh remembering things that aren't part of my routine. So I'm fine at work because I do the same things every day. Same with ds. Drop off pick up, feed, get dressed, put jamas on - Same every day so I remember.

However I was supposed to ring someone about something which isn't part of my routine and I forgot for literally a week with reminders both verbal and messages from dp. Also forgot important docs this morning to take to work because it's not normal. Colleague had to remind me literally outside my house so I would remember to get them.

I forget things that I want to do so for me it's not a case of forgetting when it suits me. It's becoming a real issue for me - could it be the same for him?

Original poster
kramerr · 17/04/2018 22:09

Yes I have come to realise that it is a choice, he chooses to not prioritise these things, and it makes me angry exhausted sad and want to cry

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/04/2018 22:10

He's absolutely not a great dad.

He's not even a particularly good adult.

And he's certainly s crap husband

Wdigin2this · 17/04/2018 22:11

You have got one extra big baby! Tell him you are 'forgetting your wifely duties' until he grows up!

NotTheFordType · 17/04/2018 22:11

^^ And also you get to parent the guy you're fucking, whoooo!

VladmirsPoutine · 17/04/2018 22:12

Take no notice of Joanna57*, s/he is a blatant troll.

Otherwise what you have on your hands here is a case of deliberate incompetence wrt your husband.

Have you spoken with him? Where are your boundaries because he is clearly storming all over them with no consequence. If you're going to be a single parent then you might as well be without the added hassle of having to wrangle him into toeing the line.

DangerEgg · 17/04/2018 22:14

It wasn't a task he forgot, it was his child.

OP, you may be better off as a single parent as right now you are carrying all the load and have the added mental strain of a DP who won't step up.

CuntPuffin · 17/04/2018 22:16

Leaving aside all the 'wifework' shit (cards, presents etc) for the moment, is collecting the baby a one off he was asked to do or something he does regularly? If something is not routine, it can be easy to not remember it.

That said, because my job is home based, I do the childcare drop off/collection. I have been known to be late because I have got my head in a task and not seen the time.

hellsbells99 · 17/04/2018 22:17

How old is he?

Original poster
kramerr · 17/04/2018 22:18

Cunt usually once a week but I always remind him.. today I didn't...

Hells 40 😱

OP posts:
CocoaGin · 17/04/2018 22:19

Do you both have iphones and can sync a family calendar? Set reminders on his phone etc. You shouldn't have to, but if it means you can lessen your load, it may be a necessary evil. DH uses Siri constantly for "remind me when I get to work/home" and it works well for him. You can do this after a fairly frank discussion about all the work of being a single parent with none of the perks and that his presence in the home isn't a positive one..............

C0untDucku1a · 17/04/2018 22:22

If your struggle remembering how to function as an adult, make notes. Or set alarms. I bet he has a phone where he could set an alarm with a reminder.

CuntPuffin · 17/04/2018 22:22

Not so excusable then. I set it up in my calendar to remind me to leave home on time on the days I am collecting at a different time. Would he be amenable to setting that up for himself?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2018 22:27

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I would have killed him and dumped his sorry corpse in a ditch for forgetting his own child. Do you think it's fair to say you have enabled him up until this point in being a thoughtless, forgetful idiot? That needs to stop. You are his wife, not his mummy or personal assistant.

You need to tell him this in no uncertain terms, and then you need to stick to it. If he can't grow up, you don't need to be married to him.

LannieDuck · 17/04/2018 22:30

I assume he can remember to show up on time or work meetings? Then he can remember to pick his kid up. Suggest he schedules it in his work calendar as a meeting.

hellsbells99 · 17/04/2018 22:37

I asked his age, as both DH and I are forgetting things at times, particularly DH! But we are in our 50s. Sometimes I think your brain does seem to get overloaded. I now have to write myself reminders and I text myself lists of things I need to do.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/04/2018 22:38

Is his job something that's actually a) very all-absorbing and b) important? If he's a brain surgeon or something, or has to make decisions that affect dozens of other people's lives, then it might be worth cutting him a bit of slack. But if he's just a bog-standard cubicle mouse, then it's time he got his thumb out of his arse and understood that you are not his servant and he needs to contribute more than just his paycheck to family life. Too many men just assume that women are there to pick up all the slack and Important Man's Importance takes priority over all the other people in the household.

backsackcraic · 17/04/2018 22:38

Tell him he has to set alarms for such occasions and have a diary so he doesn't forget. Then forget his birthday, tea, ironing etc etc and say you were bogged down with life. He will soon man up!

listsandbudgets · 17/04/2018 22:45

Like a pp I was going to suggest a shared diary. Its made our lives so much easier. One of us puts things in and the other knows about them and we set reminders. No texts and emails just one simple system....

I'm fairly disorganised so DP insisted on it eventually and its made things far easier for us both

Lavender928 · 17/04/2018 22:53

YANBU
Was he always like this?
I thought I met a perfect guy. We have two kids and he's EX now but it took me along time to realise that he was always the same. I just refused to see it so now he doesn't understand why I don't want to be with him and I can't believe I'd even consider having kids with someone like him (Hindsight it a great thing) so the point I'm trying to make is that if that's how he's always been, he's probably never going to change but then I might be wrong and if he never used to be like this what has changed?
Sending lots of positive energy your way

Original poster
kramerr · 17/04/2018 23:21

I'm fed up and cross and thinking of running away 🤣 can't sleep too fuming

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 17/04/2018 23:21

I think some of you are being unfair. I really struggle wiyh remembering things that aren't part of my routine. So I'm fine at work because I do the same things every day. Same with ds. Drop off pick up, feed, get dressed, put jamas on - Same every day so I remember

I have this problem too. I put a reminder into my phone for picking up dgd, because even though it is everyday if I get stuck into something everything else goes out the window.

BeansandSausages · 17/04/2018 23:25

You need trello in your life. Sync it to your calendars. My dh is forgetful and this helped him no end. He can check it on the app anytime (I suspect on the toilet...)

BrutusMcDogface · 17/04/2018 23:32

good - are you actually serious? Set up a reward system?! What the.............?! Treating him like a child will make him behave like an adult, will it? My dp would quite rightly laugh at me if I suggested that! 😂

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