To be sick and fed up with my husband?

[kramerr]

Today my husband forgot to pick the baby up from nursery. I'd like to say that this is an isolated incident but it's not. I feel really unsupported by him at home but he is a good man, father and uncle, provides for us all, works hard and is very kind and calm.

But fucking useless at doing anything that's not revolving around him.

Never bought (as in picked out) any clothes for the kids, shoes, xmas presents etc. Forgot my birthday last year. Forgets his family birthdays all the time. Forgets when I tell him about parents evening , doctors appointments, never made an appointment for anyone for anything apart from himself.

I sent him a message six ways (WhatsApp 2 texts Facebook and two emails) asking him to pick something up from the in-laws within a week, anytime he wanted... he didn't do it.

I feel like I'm constantly promoting, nagging, checking, second prompting and reminding. I've had enough. I left Home tonight (for about 90 minutes 🤣).

AIBU?

It's a massive luxury being able to focus on work to the exclusion of other stuff. I have a demanding job and it would be much easier to forget the kids' stuff for most of the week. But I can't. A 20 year old getting used to the world of work can argue they need headspace...if you're in your 40s and in senior management, really, the life lesson for you is how to be effective at work while retaining a bit of energy and headspace for other things.

Basically it's a bit pathetic to say all you can manage is your job. Even surgeons have things they can prioritise. I know a very senior clinician with twins and a useless husband and she never drops a ball.

It affected my work, and still does, as I ended up leaving a career because I couldn't deal with the pressure of doing everything and picking up the pieces after his fuckups

That is truly astonishing, DelphiniumBlue, your resentment must be huge.

My GP believes there is such a thing as lack of empathy, in built in some people. Hence they can't understand the aggro when they forget birthdays or whatever. So it's not really in that person's eyes, about them, it's that other peoples wants and feelings do not compute. Does seem to be men more than women ime.

But nowadays there is no excuse for not having a calendar with reminders about bdays etc and anything else come to that, bins out for example.

I forget all sorts of things, always have, get distracted by what I am doing. I have a smartphone and set reminders so it beeps at me when it’s time to do something. Not rocket science. I suggest you forget to do anything husband related for a while

What I never get with these types of thread is do these men suddenly change into these beings at some point? In most cases, the answer is always no. In other words, you're now expecting someone to change who they have probably always been, always were, and you've been choosing to ignore it. And if someone IS like that, why on earth would you marry them and have children with them, because it certainly isn't going to get any better and you know damn well who all the extra pressure and work is going to fall to. It's like sitting on a fire and then complain that your arse is burning.

He's a selfish fucker who thinks he's more important than his child. He knows you'll do all the other stuff if he doesn't. Stop reminding him about stuff. Dont do anything for him. See what happens.

50 hours is 5 x 10 hour days, say 8-6pm. My normal working week and same for many full time private sector employees. If I tried to claim that 35-40 hours was full time my bosses would laugh at me!
It's perfectly doable to work 50 hours a week and also run a home / do half of the home stuff

Sounds like my ex before his ADHD diagnosis.

It wasn't a task he forgot, it was his child

I am a busy, working single mum. I have, on more than one occasion, left my year 7/8 child outside school waiting for me whilst I have forgotten all about him. Shit happens. Our heads are full of stuff we have to do and sometimes, stuff gets missed. I love the idea that I'm a bad parent because the juggling of everything sometimes means I drop a ball.

jesus wept.

I still don’t get what makes him a good father... playing with the kids? Perhaps he is just irresponsible-but-fun-uncle material.

Things are not going to get better, he doesn’t give a hoot about you or the help you may need. He can forget he needs to pick up his son from nursery. You are already doing everything.

Options are to accept him as a manchild and to accept you cannot trust him with anything or to let him go a few years down the line, when you get to your breaking point.

Personally, having been in the same position to a t, I wish I had not wasted so much time waiting for him to change or get it. Because believe it or not, the fun dad who for years read stories at night, and played with him on Saturdays mornings but often forgot him at nursery or school and couldn’t be trusted to help responsibly with anything, has now forgotten he ever got a child (obviously I thank the CSA for reminding him monthly that his child does indeed exist)

He won’t change. My guess is that his mother was probably still wiping his arse for him when he was a teen and he never lifted a finger when growing up ... and that his dad is the same. Could be wrong.
As for leaving him notes, reminders, etc, fuck that. He is an adult, just like you, so why should you be the one picking up the pieces after him?
Would he forget something so important if it was for him related to work - an interview for a better paid job, for example? I think not.
So your solution is either suck up his behaviour as, like I say, he wont change when the status quo suits HIM just fine. Or LTB.

ohreally forgetting to pick your child up from school? You think that is a case of “stuff” just getting missed? Wtf??

Two key things:

The perennial 'why did you marry and breed with this man?' question - in a lot of cases it's because the negative qualities don't really show up for a long time. There are often small indications that a man is selfish or unreasonable, but they get smoothed over until the woman is really enmeshed, and sometimes the laziness and misogyny remain pretty much hidden until there are children to consider and the woman is daring to put something/someone else ahead of immediate gratification of the man's whims.
So let's stop battering the OP for not having 'known better'.

Secondly - is this man neurodivergent or just self-obsessed? The way to answer that is: how many times has he forgotten or ignored something that will lead to a negative impact on him (not just other people being angry or disappointed)? If he always remembers very easily to complete work tasks, or that he's going to pursue his hobby tonight, then there's nothing wrong with him other than a refusal to care about others and a belief that anything dull or necessary or domestic or considerate is 'women's work'.

YADDDDDDDNBU. But you are in denial about how bad this behaviour is.

These two statements are completely contradictory:

"he is a good man, father and uncle

But fucking useless at doing anything that's not revolving around him."

A good person is NOT someone who is this self-centred. In fact, he's a selfish, self-centred arse.

As an adult, you don't get to 'forget' vital things like your child. You don't get to farm out your responsibilities for organising and arranging things to other people. You damn well learn the skills to manage this shit - with whatever tools are necessary to get the job done. It is perfectly possible to manage a full-on career AND to remember that you are a father, who has other responsibilities outside of work too.

I HATE men like this. It is exploitation of the worst kind. Nothing excuses it.

And yes, I’m a single mother and admit I have forgotten my son at school (once).

But I am a reliable person who can be trusted to act responsibly and pull her weight. It is the lack of care for the other things that make the difference. When you are surrounded by a careless idiot who makes your mother job ten times more difficult, you start wondering if you can really deal with an adult child on top of everything. I found it fascinating to see how relaxed I felt and how little work I had once that he moved out.

As a one-off this is OK (to me) - but this is ludicrous.

If he KNOWS he is prone to forgetting, then why doesnt he cover his arse and use phone reminders/ Alarms/calendars whatever works best for him?

I get the forgetting, as I am prone to forget stuff as in it literally leaves my mind BUT I am aware of it, and as I work for myself I cannot be forgetting stuff...so, I use reminders on my phone for everything. So every morning I wake up to a list of what needs done that day and it remains on my screen until I manually complete, surely he can do that?!

My partner is like this, I too feel like his Mum sometimes, he works more hours than I do, and does do things if I ask him to but I’m always having to ask. He doesn’t shoulder any of the responsibility at all, and unless it’s to do with his own car or his bloody computer he forgets everything.
It’s really frustrating, I just think mine’s an idiot... and carry on.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I would have killed him and dumped his sorry corpse in a ditch for forgetting his own child

I get you’re not actually being literal, but there are some extreme reactions here to this particular act of forgetfulness, something most people have done at some point, and it doesn’t make them bad parents..... I was nearly late a picking up kids a couple of months back after getting engrossed in something. Life can be a juggling act sometimes and dropping the odd ball doesn’t make you a bad person or parent in itself.

However, there’s a pattern here that’s bigger than that. He does it repeatedly. If he doesn’t recognise the impact he’s having, isn’t angry with himself for his forgetfulness and take steps to deal with that, that would make him a bad parent.

The OP’s DP clearly needs to organise himself better and take active responsibility for that. He should recognise his weakness and not be expecting the OP to be his memory.

I HATE men like this. It is exploitation of the worst kind. Nothing excuses it.

You have either led a sheltered life or have no imagination if this amounts to “exploitation of the worst kind”... Why must some people turn annoying character flaws into something akin to genocidal bloodlust!

We remember things that are important to us. This man is telling you, loud and clear, that you and the kids are NOT important to him.
His working hours are no excuse. I did over 100 hours a week as a junior doctor, and still kept on top of housework, people’s birthdays, Christmas presents etc. In pre internet days, when all shopping had to be done on the high street, and there were no mobile phone reminders!
You need to decide if you want to continue living with a selfish incompetent child for a husband. Or whether an ultimatum will make him change his ways. Or whether you should leave the useless waste of space. Your call.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

And he can't set an alarm on his phone - why?

My dh works 60+ hours every week (works in advertisement) Between us we have ONCE forgotten to collect a child that was the day after dd3's birth and we had both fallen asleep (I think we allow that one the school certainly did and was very understanding)

If DH is on child duty he ensures he gets down what he needs to get done. He knows he gets distracted etc so uses timers. pretty simple

Maybe work is his mental load