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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD excluded by my mother!

125 replies

carolinegoescrazy · 17/04/2018 13:39

I'm marrying DP later this year, he has two teenage children who I have a great relationship with. I don't have my own children and i'm super lucky to have great stepkids.

My brother has three daughters, aged from 11 to 6. My parents adore them, quite rightly. My parents and brother live closely, they all live several hours drive from us. My brother and his family have always benefited from very many gifts from the grandparents whilst I actually had to ask my mum to send my step kids a Christmas card as she "forgot" to include them on our card!

Roll into this year - my stepdaughter and my nieces will be bridesmaids at our wedding. My mother has offered to pay for the dresses for my nieces (very kindly), but has once again excluded my DSD! I have never benefited from the gifts my parents have showered on my brother and his children and now feel quite pissed off that this one opportunity to spoil my DSD has been totally overlooked!! She won't go without, i'll make sure of that, and we don't necessarily need the contribution, but i'm sooo pissed off. AIBU??

OP posts:
Travis1 · 17/04/2018 13:43

YANBU and I wouldn't let her pay for the nieces dresses

OohMavis · 17/04/2018 13:44

Hmm, it's a tough one. Do they live with you? The Christmas card thing could have been a genuine oversight. If they're teenagers, does she spend a lot of time with them?

I'm not sure she is wrong for not paying for DSD's dress... But she should have made it clear that she'd be paying for your niece's dress, rather than 'the bridesmaids' dresses', if she never intended to.

OllyBJolly · 17/04/2018 13:46

A bit. It's unrealistic to expect GPs to think of DSCs in the same way they think of GCs, especially when they're older and haven't had the same shared history. It's nice if they have an interest.

My ILs are great with my DCs (not their son's) - always remember birthdays/christmas etc but spoil their own DGCs rotten. I feel that's the way it should be.

I'd just match the generous offer to fund the nieces and spoil your DSD.

Winter7 · 17/04/2018 13:46

YANBU. I would suggest having an open conversation as this will only get worse and resentments will grow.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding Flowers

CapnHaddock · 17/04/2018 13:47

I would tell her that you will pay for all the dresses. It is not 'very kind' to offer to pay for dresses for your nieces - it's unkind and cruel to exclude one child. And I would tell her that.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 17/04/2018 13:47

YANBU. In for a penny, in for a pound. You're a family and whilst theyre not her biological grandchildren when you have an even where all the kids are together, you treat them the same.

Babyplaymat · 17/04/2018 13:48

Do they live with you? How long have they known them?

OohMavis · 17/04/2018 13:49

But I assume DSD won't even know who paid for the dresses, so she won't feel excluded on that basis?

mimibunz · 17/04/2018 13:49

Meh, sounds like she's still getting used to having these children as step grandchildren. Give her time!

Marylou2 · 17/04/2018 13:50

Presumably your DSD has two sets of grandparents of her own. Your mum isn’t her grandmother. She’s paying for her own granddaughter’s dresses. If you have children and she treats them differently to her existing grandchildren you might have a gripe but I think at the moment YABU. Sorry.

tickingthebox22 · 17/04/2018 13:50

The card thing is all down to whether they live with you. If I were sending a card to my friend and her new husband (step kids over EOW) then no I would write "To Jane and John"

If they live with you a significant amount of time then it would be rude not to put "To Jane, John and family"

Also with the best will in the world DSD is not her granddaughter, and I imagine doesn't see her frequently.

Just think if you had 3 nieces and a friend - would you expect your mum to pay for her - no.

CurlyRover · 17/04/2018 13:50

YANBU! My family is the same although I am now NC with them. But when I did see them, I saw they doted on my nephew but never so much as even asked about my DSD. Drove me absolutely mad.

I wouldn't let them pay for your nieces tbh.

Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2018 13:52

You need to answer the question asked.
How long have you been together?
What other family does your DSD have, does she live with you?

TheFaerieQueene · 17/04/2018 13:55

I don’t think think where the DSC live matter at all about the card. The GM was going to send one to their main residence, if with their mother, was she?
She is clearly showing that your DSC are not family, in her view, which is just nasty.
I agree with others and pay for all the dresses and tell her why.

dancinfeet · 17/04/2018 13:56

Where is your husband to be's mum in all of this? Surely she is your DSD's grandmother - why doesn't she pay for her granddaughter's bridesmaid dress to make it fair? That way all of the bridesmaids have their dress bought by their own grandmother.

holiday101 · 17/04/2018 13:57

My brother and his family have always benefited from very many gifts from the grandparents

That's because your brother had children and you didn't. This makes you sound resentful of your parent's money going towards your neices and nephews.

OP you need to provide more info. If they have been in your life since they were toddlers and always known your DP's then I would say YANBU. If they met them 2 years ago I would say fair enough. You might consider them your family (which is very admirable and great that you have a great relationship) but it doesn't always translate that way down the family line.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2018 14:15

Send her a text. “Thanks, that’s lovely mum. Will you be paying for all the bridesmaids dresses? It wasn’t clear as I have 4 bms” It may be an oversight. Doesn’t sound likely. Best to take it as one to allow her to check her behaviour. It’s perhaps more difficult to adjust to teen sgcs than littlies. However, you need to be clear on expectations. It sounds as though there may be more going on anyway. Is your brother the favourite child?

OneStepSideways · 17/04/2018 14:15

Why should she care about your DSD? She's a teenager your mother hadn't known until recently. She's under no obligation to treat her like a grandchild, 'spoil' her or send cards and gifts.

It would be different if DSC were younger, but it's hard to get to know (or feel warm towards) someone else's teenager. I think you need to lower your expectations. Pay for her dress and luxuries yourself, spoil her and make her feel welcome and loved, that's part of your role as stepmother. Your mother didn't choose to become a step grandma to teenagers so I'm not sure why you expect her to play the role.

ChickPeaSoup · 17/04/2018 14:18

She sounds nasty.

My MIL had a go at me and DH last year because we spent the same amount of money on SIL's step-child and her biological child. Apparently we should've just bought the stepson a "token" present because he isn't "proper family"

Sad
BarbarianMum · 17/04/2018 14:19

You need to talk to your dm. There are things that your dsd should definitely be included in - like cards - but YABU to think that she's suddenly going to become a 4th grandchild to your mum. For that to happen, your mum needs to be willing and you'd need to build the relationship bw them. And it may be your dsd doesn't want another gran.

Mydoghatesthebath · 17/04/2018 14:21

You need to answer the questions put to you above. It’s imoossible to tell if you are reasonable or not just by your post.

Bluelady · 17/04/2018 14:22

What an awful thing to do. You either pay for all the bridesmaids' dresses or none. You're a much nicer and fairer person than your mum, OP.

Slievenamon · 17/04/2018 14:24

YABU.
Their grandchildren are their sons children, they have known them since birth and love them, they are family. Add to that they live close by and enjoy a close loving relationship.
You have a fiance with 2 teenagers who your parents barely know. They aren't even your step children yet

It's ridiculous to imagine that your parents should treat them equally. Your DSD has not been excluded, she has just not been included, which is not at all the same thing.

You have nothing to be pissed off about here, and you are being unfair to your mother.

MumofBoysx2 · 17/04/2018 14:25

She might not think she is doing anything wrong (eg could it be a money thing? - two more dresses = a lot more), but if I were her I would treat everyone the same even if understandably her own grandchildren are dearest to her. I think I would say something like 'since they're all wearing the same dresses I will pay for theirs so they don't feel left out'. Something that gets the message across without being confrontational so (hopefully) when something next comes up they will be more considerate.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/04/2018 14:27

YANBU at all. If she won’t pay for all of them then say no thank you.