DSD excluded by my mother!

[carolinegoescrazy]

I'm marrying DP later this year, he has two teenage children who I have a great relationship with. I don't have my own children and i'm super lucky to have great stepkids.

My brother has three daughters, aged from 11 to 6. My parents adore them, quite rightly. My parents and brother live closely, they all live several hours drive from us. My brother and his family have always benefited from very many gifts from the grandparents whilst I actually had to ask my mum to send my step kids a Christmas card as she "forgot" to include them on our card!

Roll into this year - my stepdaughter and my nieces will be bridesmaids at our wedding. My mother has offered to pay for the dresses for my nieces (very kindly), but has once again excluded my DSD! I have never benefited from the gifts my parents have showered on my brother and his children and now feel quite pissed off that this one opportunity to spoil my DSD has been totally overlooked!! She won't go without, i'll make sure of that, and we don't necessarily need the contribution, but i'm sooo pissed off. AIBU??

Yes meant to add I'm veering with those who say as your step children have been propelled into your parents lives recently I feel you are being slightly unreasonable.

*All of you who are saying this is ok, what happens when OP has children will be ok for OP DM to spoil that 'child' with gifts while ignoring OP SD.

I would speak to you DM and explain that you will not allow her to ignore your SD and as and when you have children.*

Well they're teenagers not babies, they would probably find it odd to be treated like a GC of their dads new wifes parents, they probably have 2 sets of their own

I have adult sons and if one of them married a woman with teenage children I wouldn’t feel like their grandmother at all, and I’d probably forget (not on purpose) to add them on a christmas card if the teenagers lived elsewhere.

But the gm surely didn’t forget that there were more bridesmaids than her gc. It is supposed to be a gift for the B&G surely as the children were hardly going to be buying their own dresses. That’s why it’s rude, as the groom is the dsc’s dad. She has bad manners, favouritism aside.

To be fair the stepkids have two sets of grandparents. Appreciate the mum’s side might not spoil them at your wedding, but where are your partner’s parents?

Your mum is a cow.

Sorry, but she is.

So much for welcoming your new family members.

Can you afford to say “thanks, but no thanks as it seems you’re favouring nieces above my dsd and we can’t be having that!”

Maybe your parents need a not so subtle reminder that your step child will effectively become their granddaughter after your wedding and you expect her to be treated as such and not as a second class family member.

YABU for all the reasons others have already stated.

If your DM wrote into her will that all her grandchildren would inherit X amount of money upon her death would you kick off if she didn't include DSD in that too? Because it could happen. Yet DSD will inherit from her own family, it's bonkers! Your DM is under no obligation to this child whatsoever.

holiday101 Tue 17-Apr-18 13:57:42

My brother and his family have always benefited from very many gifts from the grandparents

That's because your brother had children and you didn't. This makes you sound resentful of your parent's money going towards your neices and nephews.

Interesting. My dad some years ago told me he felt bad that he hadn't supported / spoiled me financially as much as my (co-habiting, no children) brother. I pointed out that, whilst he may not have spent that much on me directly, he'd spent plenty on my kids so it was pretty equal actually. Had my dad been like OP's parents however, I think my brother would have been justifiably pissed off about it.

Yes I agree MissTeri, I personally wouldn't include my son's partner's son in my will, my grandchildren will always be that grandchildren, there is no guarantee that a step grandchild will always be in our lives, given my son has split from the mother of his children. He also has two sets of his OWN grandparents so no I just don't get this newly acquired step grandchildren should be treated as those you have known since birth unless of course they have been in the grandparents' lives since they were tiny. Someone further back made a remark about adopted children being treated differently, that's an entirely different matter and they should of course be treated the same as any other grandchildren.

While the mother is not necessarily unreasonable for not considering the DSD’s to be her grandchildren, the Christmas card thing is massively bitchy and spiteful. It’s very simple. If you have x number of people living in your household then you address the christmas card to all of them. If all of the children are at the same event then you treat all of the children the same. No I wouldn’t consider it unreasonable with regards to wills and inheritance etc, but the rest most definitely is.

The more I think about this the more I feel it is about the DB getting more or 'benefitting' as the OP put it in terms of financial gifts.

I'm trying to put myself in the DSD's shoes...I was the same age when I acquired my second DSM and her family were kind to me, asked after me etc but I was not their dgd/niece etc, and I most definitely did not consider them to be my family either.

I'm trying to put myself in the DSD's shoes...I was the same age when I acquired my second DSM and her family were kind to me, asked after me etc but I was not their dgd/niece etc, and I most definitely did not consider them to be my family either.

Yeah that's the thing especially since the kids are teenagers, they're almost adults they're not going to suddenly see their dads girlfriends parents as their GPs. It's like people are trying to paint step kids as poor orphans looking for love when in reality they probably already have loving GPs who they've known all their lives

I notice the OP is conspicuous by her absence.

Yabu. Two teenagers who your mum may barely know are not her grandchildren. I would only think she is being unfair if you have raised them since they were babies.

I remember going to a wedding of my husband's business partner some years ago, his two children aged 10 and 12 from previous marriage were there. It was the first time they had met his new wife's parents and they greeted the children with "you can call as grandma and grandpa". I saw their granny, who played a huge part in their life wince. The children looked stunned and uncomfortable I thought it was very crass on the part of the new wife's parents

This makes me especially grateful for the attitudes she behaviours of my parents, siblings and friends in loving and embracing my husband and step children. They’re my family and my family sees this. It’s that simple.

Some of you sound absolutely awful.

Or an oversight, as she doesn't think of staying EOW as "living" at an address? I agree that they should be included in the card but I'm not convinced their ommission was spite rather than thoughtlessness.

I doubt your dsd expects or wants your parents to act like grandparents- they already have grandparents of their own, I would think it odd if it were any different, different of course if the children had been in the family since a very young age, but I don't think your mum is being unreasonable

It’s very hard to know OP without you coming back and explaining.

Your teenage soon-to-be step kids are not their grandchildren. The only way I would think otherwise is if your parents have known them since they were very young and watched them grown and actually spent time with them. If you got with their dad when they were already teenagers it's not quite the same is it?

I actually think the “treating them just like their own gcs” is probably a little much to expect from someone who maybe doesn’t know the dscs well, or at all.

What I think makes the op’s mum U is that she has offered to buy some bridesmaids dresses, which are really a gift for the bride and groom, as it’s their wedding. The children aren’t likely to be buying their own dresses. I think it’s rude to the groom that she has decided to make this contribution to the wedding, but only the dresses being worn by her blood relatives. That’s very ill-mannered and not really in the spirit of what a wedding is meant to be about; the couple. That’s why I think she has very poor manners. I don’t think she should be including the dsd in her will or buying her expensive presents or anything.

What I think makes the op’s mum U is that she has offered to buy some bridesmaids dresses, which are really a gift for the bride and groom, as it’s their wedding. The children aren’t likely to be buying their own dresses. I think it’s rude to the groom that she has decided to make this contribution to the wedding, but only the dresses being worn by her blood relatives. That’s very ill-mannered and not really in the spirit of what a wedding is meant to be about; the couple. That’s why I think she has very poor manners. I don’t think she should be including the dsd in her will or buying her expensive presents or anything.

yeah that's true enough I guess

Anne generally speaking O do think steps should be viewed as family, but when they are older and the relationship is not long-standing (is since the dc were young) I do think it can be uncomfortable for both the adults and the children to have a new family foisted on you. I remember when I announced my first pregnancy and dsm said 'Ooh I'm going to be a granny!' and I inwardly recoiled thinking 'I hardly even know you'' even though she had been in my life for 7 years. As harsh as it may sound she was always my dad's family, but not mine. I do appreciate that families are different in how they view/respond to new people.

My stepchildren are very important to me and have been since the earliest days of my relationship with their father.

However, my mother has never been anything more than polite to them. She simply has no idea that they're part of my family and people who I have cared for and looked after. This became all the more apparent when my own daughter was born - and was lavished with grandmotherly care. Any interest she'd shown in my stepchildren dried up entirely.

While I'm pleased that my daughter had a caring grandmother, my mother's lack of interest in my stepchildren - or in the dynamics of my family life - has severely weakened my relationship with her.

So in this situation she can make the choices that she wants to make - but it may impact on the relationship she has with you.

My apologies for the late response and thank you for your messages. I have been with DH2B for four years, since DSD was 9. I take onboard the comments about them not being biological GPs. I should have explained a little, I couldn't have my own children, I tried several rounds of failed IVF with my ex, so these step children are the nearest they'll ever get to my children. I don't expect them to treat the step children the same as their bio grand kids but just a bit Of thought could have been applied. My fiancé's mother is unlikely to contribute towards anything. We don't need her to, none of this is about money, it's about caring for others and being thoughtful and kind even when the children are not naturally your own.

Wow!!! I've just read the comments about them NOT BEING MY STEP CHILDREN, etc. What does a name matter?? I care for them, look after them, and I'm marrying their father in a few months. The dictionary definition of a step mother'/parent is the wife or partner of their father/mother. Some sickos on here!! I hope for your sakes that you're never in a blended family situation with an attitude like that!