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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DSD excluded by my mother!

125 replies

carolinegoescrazy · 17/04/2018 13:39

I'm marrying DP later this year, he has two teenage children who I have a great relationship with. I don't have my own children and i'm super lucky to have great stepkids.

My brother has three daughters, aged from 11 to 6. My parents adore them, quite rightly. My parents and brother live closely, they all live several hours drive from us. My brother and his family have always benefited from very many gifts from the grandparents whilst I actually had to ask my mum to send my step kids a Christmas card as she "forgot" to include them on our card!

Roll into this year - my stepdaughter and my nieces will be bridesmaids at our wedding. My mother has offered to pay for the dresses for my nieces (very kindly), but has once again excluded my DSD! I have never benefited from the gifts my parents have showered on my brother and his children and now feel quite pissed off that this one opportunity to spoil my DSD has been totally overlooked!! She won't go without, i'll make sure of that, and we don't necessarily need the contribution, but i'm sooo pissed off. AIBU??

OP posts:

Tinkobell · 17/04/2018 14:29

Why don't you take her cash contribution for the 2 dresses and let her know if will just be divided up equally across the board. I think I'd just impress that you and your DP are a forever item now, his kids are your kids and it would be great if she could treat everyone as equals.....let her know that kids are super sensitive and they DO most definitely pick up on favouritism.....!

InsomniacAnonymous · 17/04/2018 14:30

MumofBoysx2 How would it be "two more dresses" for the SD who is going to be a bridesmaid?

Mydoghatesthebath · 17/04/2018 14:31

Also as a grand myself I would be wary of ‘doing the big I Am’ in case the dsd had an equally close Gran who wanted to pay for her own Dgds dress.

Don’t they have a family too??

Newtothis2017 · 17/04/2018 14:34

Definitely depends on the answers to the questions. But inclined to think yabu

CuntPuffin · 17/04/2018 14:35

This is another MN anomaly. Most of the time, if grandparents won't treat stepchildren as equal, they are called all sorts of names and people are told to go NC. There was a post a couple of days ago where an OP wanted to treat her niece differently because she was 'not a blood relative'. She rightly got shouted down for this.

Yet, here we have a load of people all saying it's fine for these two kids to be excluded.

roseannabanana · 17/04/2018 14:35

She's not going to have the same relationship with step grandchildren who she presumably hasn't known for very long, and who probably don't even live with you and your stbdh full time.

She's known your nieces since they were born - you can't just strike up the same relationship with a teenager.

Besides, your step dc presumably have their own grandparents, don't they?

CuriousMama · 17/04/2018 14:36

I agree depends on the answers.

Slievenamon · 17/04/2018 14:37

This is another MN anomaly. Most of the time, if grandparents won't treat stepchildren as equal, they are called all sorts of names and people are told to go NC

No they aren't. There are situations they may such as an actual step child who lives with the family full time and has been known to them long term, but that is in no way similar to a pair of teenagers you don't know who are not even yet related to you.

Eatalot · 17/04/2018 14:38

Id just have dsd as bridesmaid as its her dsm and df getting married and your dm is going to make it all about your neices. I dont think it will be just dresses but comments on the two beautiful bridesmaids etc. It is hard enough for your dsd without being made to feel like an outsider at her fathers wedding. Im sure this wont be pppular with your dm but she clearly has issue with your dsd beyond simply forgetting.

Mydoghatesthebath · 17/04/2018 14:39

Exactly it’s very situation dependant, she dependant and what extended family each child has.

Mydoghatesthebath · 17/04/2018 14:41

Eatalot

Ridiculous over reaction snd projection there to the facts of the post. Good grief

jannier · 17/04/2018 14:42

Are you paying for the dresses if so Id just say thank you for the contribution towards the dresses. If your asking the parents of your nieces then I guess that's up to her and them as you are not paying and maybe she thinks its wrong not to pay for your bridesmaids as it always used to be normal to buy the dresses.

If you want her to have a relationship with you s kids then your going to have to work at it not just assume it will come because your together ....for the fact that you don't live near and they are teenagers when she met them. Who do they live with? If they don't live with you that may also make it harder for her to see as being yours.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 17/04/2018 14:43

YABU. As you live a long way from your parents and DB then it is likely that your parents barely know your DSC so of course they will feel differently about them.

DanceDisaster · 17/04/2018 14:45

Yanbu. I think your mum is being very ungracious and ill-mannered.

diddl · 17/04/2018 14:46

Does she think that she is doing you a favour & that your step daughter's dad will be paying for his daughter's dress?

Or does she think that you would ask your brother to pay & it is to save him money?

Won't you be shopping with all the girls together-in which case it would be obvious if she didn't pay for all.

I would have though that if a parent was paying for bm dresses then they would pay for all?

Perhaps she could pay for something else?

PieAndPumpkins · 17/04/2018 14:47

She sounds vicious. I'd tell her straight. These children are your family now, she should accept that and show some grace.

Mydoghatesthebath · 17/04/2018 14:47

I feel sorry for the mother.

The op says her brother is spoilt and she’s bitching that her mother won’t pay for all the dresses just 2!

Jees.

TheHobbyKing · 17/04/2018 14:48

Do they live with you? Has she even met them?

Shiftymake · 17/04/2018 14:49

I'm a SM myself, but I have had to talk with my family on what level of involvement they would be comfortable with and respect that there is a difference for them. The fact that she has offered to pay for her dgds is understandable as she's their grandmother. Because regardless of how this makes you feel, your dsc have their own sets of grandparents already and it can take time for the "step" family to get used to the idea or even try to warm to the idea of step children and being involved. It is a very tricky balance, there is emotions and even the lack of emotions that need to be respected. You can set some demands towards your parents in relations to your dsc re: cards for celebrations and not openly differentiating when the families are together, but you also need to listen to them and what they are comfortable with and allow them to be grandparents for their dgc. As for the brides maids dresses I would personally tell my mother that she could help with the costs towards the dresses but will oppose to her buying only for the nieces/dgc as this is "my" wedding. Offer her to go splits and in that she can still say she had a part but without there being an apparent exclusion of one.

Hissy · 17/04/2018 14:52

Why don't you suggest MIL pays HALF the cost for all the BM dresses if she likes?

Slievenamon · 17/04/2018 14:55

She sounds vicious. I'd tell her straight. These children are your family now, she should accept that and show some grace

YOU sound vicious.

OP's poor mother, kindly offers to buy her grandaughters bm dresses and all she gets is unfounded abuse from randomers and a pissy attitude from her own daughter.

Mydoghatesthebath · 17/04/2018 14:56

Slievamon

Well quite.

Likejellytots88 · 17/04/2018 14:57

Imo its U to expect her to include someone she doesn't really know but its rude considering the someone is going to become her family. If its about favoritism you should speak to her and possibly decline the offer unless she gives you a good enough reason why shes only paying for your nieces. If its because of money, tell her to save that money for herself and not spend it on your wedding gear if you don't need the help. Maybe she's thinking that someone from your DP's family might want to pay for you DSD dress and doesn't want to step on any toes? You won't know unless you speak to her and get some answers

jacks11 · 17/04/2018 14:57

I think your mum could be more tactful but I think it can be hard in these situations. Perhaps the christmas card was genuine oversight. And the dress thing? Well, yes, a bit tactless/thoughtless.

I don't know how long you and DP have been together, but assuming that it's not since the children were little then I think you can't expect your mother to have the same relationship with teenage step-children as she does with her biological grandchildren whom she will have known since birth and forged a bond and relationship with. Instead they will be teenagers she doesn't really know that well and probably have their own grandparents in their lives. She is maybe wary of stepping on toes- both those of the teenage children (who in return don't have a relationship with her either) and their grandparents.

It will take time to build any sort of relationship between your parents and your step-children. And given their ages, I think you have to accept that the relationship will not be the same as that your parents have with your nieces and nephews. They can try and build a relationship where they are friendly/fond of your step-children, but it will never be the same and it would be unreasonable to expect it to be.

Obviously, if you and DP have been together for many years, since the children were very little, and they have known them all along then my answer would be different.

allchangenochange · 17/04/2018 14:58

Does your DM understand that you would like her to treat your dsd in a similar way other children in the family? I see this is going to be harder for her as she will not know them as well and may also have some blood thicker than water ideas. I would try and have a conversation with her about how you would like them to be treated as it may just not have occurred to her.

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