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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD excluded by my mother!

125 replies

carolinegoescrazy · 17/04/2018 13:39

I'm marrying DP later this year, he has two teenage children who I have a great relationship with. I don't have my own children and i'm super lucky to have great stepkids.

My brother has three daughters, aged from 11 to 6. My parents adore them, quite rightly. My parents and brother live closely, they all live several hours drive from us. My brother and his family have always benefited from very many gifts from the grandparents whilst I actually had to ask my mum to send my step kids a Christmas card as she "forgot" to include them on our card!

Roll into this year - my stepdaughter and my nieces will be bridesmaids at our wedding. My mother has offered to pay for the dresses for my nieces (very kindly), but has once again excluded my DSD! I have never benefited from the gifts my parents have showered on my brother and his children and now feel quite pissed off that this one opportunity to spoil my DSD has been totally overlooked!! She won't go without, i'll make sure of that, and we don't necessarily need the contribution, but i'm sooo pissed off. AIBU??

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 17/04/2018 14:59

It's hard to say without more information really. How old were the children when you got together, how well does your mother know them? etc I mean you can't realistically ever expect her to feel the same way about them as she does her GC but if she's known them since they were very young she should atleast try to make them feel more like part of the family

SecretIsland · 17/04/2018 15:03

Totally calling reverse on this...the way the post is written is laying it on too thickly imo.

Joanna57 · 17/04/2018 15:03

They are NOT your step-children.

They are NOT your parents grandchildren.

They have their OWN grandparents.

What has their own grandparents had to say about all this? Or have you not bothered to ask them and get their input?

billybagpuss · 17/04/2018 15:03

I think distance is the issue here rather than your Dm deliberately ignoring DSD she hasn’t had the opportunity to bond and it could be they’re just not on her radar. You should maybe have a chat with her.

Trinity66 · 17/04/2018 15:05

Totally calling reverse on this...the way the post is written is laying it on too thickly imo

Which person do you think the OP is in the story then? Grin

HazelBite · 17/04/2018 15:09

Gosh the attitude on much of this thread appalls me, like the attitude from friends of mine who tell me that my Gc's are not "proper grandchildren" because they are adopted!
FFS even though the SD is a teenager she needs to feel accepted and loved, her future stepmother is accepting and loving, sorry, but grandmother needs a talking to.
if i were the Op I would decline the offer saying as all the bridesmaids should be treated the same you will be taking them out to buy the dresses and paying for them all.

PinkSkyAtNightAngelDelight · 17/04/2018 15:09

I have to be honest, I had a friend years ago who had a step daughter, and I didn’t put her name in a Christmas card. I never met her, she didn’t live with them (lived about 200 miles away). Maybe I should have done, but again why would I have done.

Slievenamon · 17/04/2018 15:10

Gosh the attitude on much of this thread appalls me, like the attitude from friends of mine who tell me that my Gc's are not "proper grandchildren" because they are adopted!

That isn't remotely similar and you should be ashamed of yourself for suggesting that it is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2018 15:11

Trinity: The vicar?

Mydoghatesthebath · 17/04/2018 15:13

Hazel

You are comparing eggs to fish. Your post situation isn’t remotely like the ops.

MissP103 · 17/04/2018 15:16

Yabu, why would she pay for YOUR stepdaughter? That is no way comparable to her own grandchildren. I think you have a cheek to expect her to pay for the dress, why don't you do it?

bengalcat · 17/04/2018 15:16

If you're not happy about it then just tell your mother you will be taking all three girls to get fitted for their dresses at the same time and you'll pay but at
The same time time thank her for her original offer - leave it at that and see what happens

Trinity66 · 17/04/2018 15:19

Trinity: The vicar?

Grin
Springnowplease · 17/04/2018 15:23

DSD has her own grandparents. Would you expect them to pay for your nieces?

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/04/2018 15:24

Trinity - the dressmaker?

summerinthecountry · 17/04/2018 15:27

I would pay for all of the dresses, and use the fact you will be married soon and have them as your family to set the record straight about this. Sit with her and tell her how much they mean to you, that you consider them very special to you. Ask her to write down their birthdays on her calendar and also encourage a relationship.

Perhaps a day out/picnic with the dc and your mum, so she can get to know them. She will have known your brother's dc from birth so it is no wonder she adores them.

I would absolutely make my dsd the chief bridesmaid with special bouquet and extra special flowers in her hair, this can be your moment to make her feel truly special and loved.

You sound like an amazing stepmum, they are all blessed to have you. Enjoy your wedding!

ParisUSM · 17/04/2018 15:28

Some of the comments on here are weird, I bet it hasn't even entered the mum's head to pay for her daughter's fiance's children. They're not your stepchildren until you're married.

t I suppose it depends on how long they've been together, if the children have lived with the OP for years then I suppose it would be different

MissP103 · 17/04/2018 15:31

DSD has her own grandparents. Would you expect them to pay for your nieces? good point. Would you OP? Can you see how ridiculous and grabby you sound?

bellabasset · 17/04/2018 15:34

It isn't a simple question. Had you and your dp been bringing up the dsc and they had been part of the family from babyhood then possibly your dm might be unreasonable. But if your dsc already have 2 sets of gps who they see your mother is right not to include them as her gc and just buy them a token present at Xmas.

Your mother has offered to pay for her gds' bridesmaids dresses, perhaps just look at this as her giving you a contribution towards the cost of your wedding rather than leaving your dsd out. Just say thanks for helping out towards the cost of the bridesmaids dresses and that you appreciate it.

Hope the wedding is enjoyable

hairymorag · 17/04/2018 15:35

Its unclear how long you have been with your OH. When my DM married again I became the 'step child' when I was 11. I had my own GP already and whilst my step dads family were lovely I was not there GC. Never felt like I was and wasn't bothered either. Not sure why you expect your parents to jump into the role as GP to two DC they don't appear to know. I wonder if your DSC DM has an opinion about your expectations.

SirVixofVixHall · 17/04/2018 15:40

From the other side - my Mil told us that she has left sil’s step children, who she sees maybe once or twice a year and isn’t close to ( they are teenagers ) the same in her will as her Grandchildren. I know if my dcs knew about this they would be incredibly hurt. They would see it in black and white as their ( only ) grandparent valuing them the same as children she hardly knows, who have their own Grandparents. I was so hurt by this I almost severed all contact.
Children understand who their Grandparents are, and although I think when presents are given out altogether, such as at Easter, and the children are under 10, then giving everyone the same is the kindest thing, when they are older it is perfectly reasonable to do things solely for your Grandchildren. Could the other Grandma not buy her own Gd her dress ? Then that would be fair.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 17/04/2018 15:50

Right I have two grandchildren from one son who split with mother of his children and is now with a partner who has a son aged 9 a year older than our GD. It's a difficult one, there are already two sets of his natural GPs on the scene who live fairly nearby as does his natural father. I have no wish to usurp their position. He addresses my son, my husband and I by our first names. I would always address a Christmas card to my son, his girlfriend and include him on that because he lives with them during the week. Since they became a family unit I buy him a Christmas and birthday present and an Easter egg. I try to be inclusive without playing the whole step grand parent thing though I think it's unnecessary.

Charolais · 17/04/2018 15:52

I have adult sons and if one of them married a woman with teenage children I wouldn’t feel like their grandmother at all, and I’d probably forget (not on purpose) to add them on a christmas card if the teenagers lived elsewhere.

The children would already have their own set of grandmothers.

Clutterbugsmum · 17/04/2018 15:52

All of you who are saying this is ok, what happens when OP has children will be ok for OP DM to spoil that 'child' with gifts while ignoring OP SD.

I would speak to you DM and explain that you will not allow her to ignore your SD and as and when you have children.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/04/2018 15:54

Slievenamon

YABU.
Their grandchildren are their sons children, they have known them since birth and love them, they are family. Add to that they live close by and enjoy a close loving relationship.
You have a fiance with 2 teenagers who your parents barely know. They aren't even your step children yet

It's ridiculous to imagine that your parents should treat them equally. Your DSD has not been excluded, she has just not been included, which is not at all the same thing.

You have nothing to be pissed off about here, and you are being unfair to your mother.

This! Your massively been unreasonable