DSD excluded by my mother!

[carolinegoescrazy]

I'm marrying DP later this year, he has two teenage children who I have a great relationship with. I don't have my own children and i'm super lucky to have great stepkids.

My brother has three daughters, aged from 11 to 6. My parents adore them, quite rightly. My parents and brother live closely, they all live several hours drive from us. My brother and his family have always benefited from very many gifts from the grandparents whilst I actually had to ask my mum to send my step kids a Christmas card as she "forgot" to include them on our card!

Roll into this year - my stepdaughter and my nieces will be bridesmaids at our wedding. My mother has offered to pay for the dresses for my nieces (very kindly), but has once again excluded my DSD! I have never benefited from the gifts my parents have showered on my brother and his children and now feel quite pissed off that this one opportunity to spoil my DSD has been totally overlooked!! She won't go without, i'll make sure of that, and we don't necessarily need the contribution, but i'm sooo pissed off. AIBU??

Yanbu. Your mum should have been more thoughtful. I think some of the comments on here are very mean.

As for reverse?? Yeh I'm the dressmaker and pissed I'm only making three. Nuts!

Does she live with you? That will impact the extent to which she is seen as part of the family.

Does your mum see much of the kids? Do the children live with you? If they do and your mum has had the chance to see them frequently, then I can see why you would want her to view them as yours. But if they aren't being raised by you and have their own very involved mother, then I can see why from your mum's pov that they are just your fiance's kids and not really anything to do with her in grandparent terms.

They live with their mum but are with us EOW + 2/3 nights a week so almost but not quite 50/50. My parents live a few hours drive away. I guess I'm being unrealistic, I just see the children as part of my family and I'd like my parents to understand that. I don't expect them to treat them the same as their bio GCs just a bit more thought.

I think that seeing them as part of the family takes time spent together, because there is isn’t the visceral response that there would be to a very young grandchild, whether biological or adopted. Most families will grow to love children they see regularly, and form a relationship with. Then it would hard not to love a child.

YANBU.

I get that the DSD isn't her biological child but what should be important to the mother is how her daughter feels. If her daughter sees them as family, she should respect that.

She may not spend as much at Christmas or perhaps take them on holiday alone but a nice card and a treat when she sees them seems really reasonable tone.

If she didn't offer to get for nieces too I'd say that is fair enough- but she's leaving one girl out. It's not like their is 5 and she's paying for 2 - it's DSD who is going to stand out here. She won't likely know butthe OP and her H2B will know and as OP can't have kids herself, she really cares for her stepchildren.

It's not even so much what she's done but the tone you say it in OP. It makes me think she's been inconsiderate with them in other ways.

I am also really pleased to see a step Mum sticking up for her step kids as many don't. Just shows you thought that being a step parent means you need to be judged, whether you're kind or an evil stepmother.

If I were you OP I'd have a chat with her without anyone else there. Try to remain calm but explain why it has upset you. Perhaps when she realises how truly invested you are in DSD then she may be a little more considerate herself.

Good luck OP and congratulations 💐

Yes, I do agree that once you've made it clear to your mum that these children are very important to you and very much your family, then it would be mean if she didn't try to get to know them and that she should see that doing nice things for them = doing nice things for you. But yes, I think it is too much to expect her to view them as her grandchildren.

So they predominantly they reside with their dm and no doubt have a relationship with extended family members? You see them at certain times during the week and two weekends a month and you live away from your family? They will have very limited opportunity to actually build a relationship with them.

Your mother may not feel the same about your husbands children, ever.
Should could at least not make it obvious, that is very hurtful.
I think the “not your step kids” comments are because the children already have a mother.
My situation is similar to yours, I don’t consider myself a step mum. They have a lovely mum already. It is wonderful that you welcome them but give it time.
I would buy all the dresses myself btw and say why.

Given they've known them since they were kids and you're unable to have biological kids I think it's reasonable to expect more than what sounds like zero effort.

My step-grandparents treated us the same as their blood grandchildren. Although they did know us from ages 2.5 and almost 6. They also knew they would never have biological grandchildren from their son because my Mom couldn't have more children after I was born.

It's not unreasonable to expect your parents to treat them as family. Even if they don't live with you full time they should at least write name on family card. Do they buy xmas/bday presents for them?

As to dresses that is a difficult one. If Mum wasn't buying your DN dresses who would be buying them? Your brother and you/DF for your own girls or would you be buying them all? Unless they are older girls paying for own dresses then I can't see she is leaving anyone out.

However if your DB was going to be buying for his daughters and your your dsd then I could see why you would be upset as she is saving your DB money but not you.

If I was OP's dm I wouldn't have specifically mentioned my gd's but offered her some money towards the cost of kitting out the bridesmaids, dresses, shoes, posies etc. Then left her to spend it without expecting to know what it cost.

OP's dm is looking at it from the wrong perspective. Is she taking the girls out to choose the dresses or is OP? Or are they being ordered online? Are the dresses OP's choice or her dm's choice? I think dresses should be the bride's choice of design and colour.

Gosh..
I am a bit shocked that people seem to feel that step children should immediately be adopted by grandparents and treated exactly the same as their own grandkids.
Surely that is completely unrealistic especially given that these sc will have their own gp who hopefully love and spoil them and that the grandparents may barely know their step grand kids.

For those who are saying the DM is being reasonable, what if OP could have DC and those DC go on to have DC. Would it be reasonable for OP to treat her biological grandchildren any different to her DSD's children?

Yes.

Niece has married a man who already had a child, she already had one. They also have one together. Relationships with the mother and her family are good and all try to be fair at birthdays and Christmas.

But in their will BiL and SiL are leaving their estate to their grandchildren. DSS has his own family to leave him stuff.

YABU. Step grandchildren aren't the same as blood ones who your mother has known since birth. You're also very ungrateful. Why can't you just pay for the other dress without making such a big deal of it.

"They would see it in black and white as their ( only ) grandparent valuing them the same as children she hardly knows, who have their own Grandparents. I was so hurt by this I almost severed all contact."

Why would they see their value (which is an odd word anyway) to their grandmother being in terms of how much money she gives them?

Do they value her for the money they get from her or the money they expect to get when she dies?

Why can they not value her for being a woman who sounds like she understands that being kind and generous is a good thing, and that money is not the same as value or love?

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. They might not know your step children as well as they know your neices, but they know YOU.

It's your wedding, you clearly love your step children, and it would be nice if your parents could recognise that. Even if they just said they were buying all four dresses because it was their contribution to your wedding it would be better than saying they will buy three for the children they are biologically related to.

People who seem so focused on 'blood relatives' rarely seem to treat them very nicely, for all the shouting they do about it.

Leaving them off a Christmas card is particularly odd and unnecessary and seems mean. How hard is it to put two names on a card?

I think it's probably quite natural that your parents love their granddaughters and don't feel a strong connection to your step-children if they haven't known them for very long (or has it been years?).

On the other hand your step-kids are part of your family now so maybe discuss your feelings with your parents- tell them that you'd like your step-kids to feel included as part of the family and ask if they could try to treat them as step-grandchildren.

I agree with NotAnother. My sister has two SDCs and although I (and my parents) don't know them all that well at the moment, we do recognise the important part they play in my sister's life and treat them accordingly.

My DPs don't spend the same on them that they would on my DCs (and my sister wouldn't expect that), who they've obviously known since they were born, but they do send cards and a present for their birthdays and Christmas. And, more importantly, they wouldn't deliberately leave them out of something like the bridesmaid dress situation.

It's not about suddenly expecting grandparents to treat step-children identically to their actual grandchildren (seeing as we are talking about teenagers) but recognising the role they play in their own daughter's life and how they can respect that.

You sound like a fab step-mum, OP, and they're lucky to have you. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!

In my case this sort of discussion with my mother didn't go at all well. I mentioned that my stepdaughter had a birthday coming up, and that if she felt like sending a small gift - that would be appreciated.

My mother sent her a small packet of notelets. I didn't ask her to send anything after that.

From the other side - my Mil told us that she has left sil’s step children, who she sees maybe once or twice a year and isn’t close to ( they are teenagers ) the same in her will as her Grandchildren. I know if my dcs knew about this they would be incredibly hurt. They would see it in black and white as their ( only ) grandparent valuing them the same as children she hardly knows, who have their own Grandparents. I was so hurt by this I almost severed all contact.

This is such a weird, grabby attitude. I'm glad a PP picked up on it too. If you think your DCs would see this as 'We mean less to her because we're getting a smaller share of the cash' instead of 'what a lovely gesture to treat everyone equally' or at the very least 'inheritance is a gift not a right and it's her money and her decision' then I'm afraid your values have rubbed off on them.

Cannot understand people who are so open about the fact that their focus is on who gets the loot when their parent dies and ensuring every penny is distributed in the way they see fit. It's not your money. It's hers.

I just see the children as part of my family and I'd like my parents to understand that. I don't expect them to treat them the same as their bio GCs just a bit more thought

They probably DO see them as family, but in a different way to their actual grandchildren.
You don't know how they see them, you are guessing based on bad info.

@IDrinkFromTheKegOfGlory thank you, you have put my situation into a nutshell. i don't expect the stepkids to be treated the same as my mum and dad's grandchildren, but just a bit more thought and care. The relationship with my stepkids is massively important to me, and therefore I don't think i'm being unreasonable asking them to understand this as I am their daughter.

I'm not at all ungrateful to answer another PP's comment, I am grateful for the contribution, but would much rather her say, i'll give you a contribution towards all of the dresses and I will use this to buy all four, rather than "i'll pay for my three grandchildren and not include DSD".

As for the will conversations, that is an entirely different story. The will is being split six ways, one sixth to me, and equal sixths to DB, DN x 3 and DNephew x 1. But I will not get upset about this, it's not my business, it's their will and they can leave their money to who they wish. My DH2B and my SIL will benefit from mine and DB's inheritance. This was decided on the birth of DB's last child (definitely no more children).

I would ring up your DM and have a heart to heart. Explain that these are really important people in your life and you recognise that step families don’t all work the same way, but for you, including them is really important and would be an act of love to you.

She may just not really have twigged the significance they have for you.