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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
WickedLazy · 17/04/2018 09:50

I wonder if when he said he "hasn't had a break", if he was also thinking along the lines of "like you have for x amount of years? In his head have you been living it up at his expense, while he does the "real" work?

elisenbrunnen · 17/04/2018 09:50

OP - I had exactly the same; high-flying DH, earned lots of money and it was 'all for the family'. Except he could never take time off when I needed help, it was always the wrong time (end of month/year/quarter). Yet he could take off for up to a week per month at one stage, jollies with work, conferences, meetings, researching new offices.... And he could just phone at 530pm and say he wouldn't be home till late; work do, dinner with client, sudden crisis...
So it was all work, which he justified as 'for the family' and facilitated me being a SAHM, but there actually was NO family! It was us - and him.

He is an ex - and he could not understand why I wanted more from life/family/him.

Lottapianos · 17/04/2018 09:51

Well done OP for having it out with him. You said you felt very upset and couldn't stop shaking at one point. Think hard about that - his behaviour is taking much more of a toll on you than you realise. The shaking may well have been a physical sign of anger, which you are absolutely entitled to feel, which you have tried to keep hidden because you know that he's less than keen to acknowledge it

He sounds very arrogant and very controlling. 'Im warning you.....', 'think very carefully....' - these are nasty, intimidating, bullying things to say to your partner. Well done for refusing to back down like you were being instructed to. He sounds like the sort of man who only values Manly Work i.e. work outside of the home. Your work - sorting out the kids and home - isn't work at all as far as he's concerned, it's just skivvying. It's just what women do. It all happens by magic and is not worth anything. How very insulting and belittling.

I hope that you are able to talk again later as he has offered and that he is able to seriously reflect on his behaviour and start taking you seriously

Taffeta · 17/04/2018 09:58

OP - seriously, book yourself a weekend away.

I go every year with a girlfriend and we leave our DHs to it. It’s bloody wonderful. We often do city breaks - EasyJet flight, swanky hotel. We started out just doing one night, then it went up to two, now DC are at secondary we are doing three.

Utter bliss and a great refresher, recharger and wonderful to have something to look forward to.

WickedLazy · 17/04/2018 10:01

I don't think you've said what he's like in bed, but if he was selfish, pushy or just not really interested, that would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

Saltcrust · 17/04/2018 10:02

Very well done for sticking up for yourself op and for confronting your DH!

When he says "I would do anything for you" it's not quite true is it, because it's all on his terms, but to give him the benefit of the doubt you could take him up on that and test it out ... .

WickedLazy · 17/04/2018 10:09

Taffeta are you and your friends dh's as bad as the op's? I couldn't live like that most of the year, with only one weekend away every 6 months to help keep me sane. Two happy weekends, wouldn't justify having 50 unhappy ones.

SecondRow · 17/04/2018 10:11

It is great that you started the conversation, OP, it's not easy when things have gone so far to be the one to say "things need to change around here".

Unfortunately it sounds, from his responses, that he has a long, long way to go in order to see you as a fully valid person with the same rights to an internal and external life as him. He sees you as a satellite revolving around him and he doesn't even understand why that would not fill you with joy.

Please do consider getting counselling for yourself (I don't think the time is right for marriage counselling, personally...).

Have you heard of the book www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/070437269X?tag=mumsnetforum-21 ? It could really help you.

Also, what's the story with your night out on Thursday? Wink Could you cite to him again (perhaps by email or text) all the "breaks" he's had, and that this is what you want - for him to make sure he gets home or him to be the one to organise a babysitter?

WickedLazy · 17/04/2018 10:12

"I would do anything for you"

Anything but sort his own shit out? Which you had just asked him to do..?

ohfourfoxache · 17/04/2018 10:12

It’s all about him, isn’t it?

Stick to your guns, he might use today to come up with a load of excuses as to why he can’t be an adult

Slarti · 17/04/2018 10:16

This is a man who employs hundreds of people

Clearly he thinks you are one of them! Does he treat you like a loving partner in any other respects or as someone who has a convenient use?

flumpybear · 17/04/2018 10:20

You need to book a weekend away with your friends and leave him to sort the children - he'll soon see it's a full time job and more !

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 10:22

Wicked - I'm not sure if he's resentful about the fact I don't work. I think it's more the case that the possibility of that has never really entered his head. Years ago, he asked me would I want to work after I had kids and what was more important to me. I said not for the first few years, but it depends. He said if he was absolutely honest he'd rather have his wife at home with his kids than have to involve other people. Since then he's never mentioned it and life has taken its course. But I guess, looking back, the signs were there.

I do sometimes wonder if he is borderline mentally ill or heading for a breakdown and this frightens me as well.

OP posts:
cantitbesimpler · 17/04/2018 10:23

Well done OP! That sounds like a good start to a more equal, respected existence. Or should you decide, a world in which you forge your own path without him. My advice would be to keep up the momentum. He’s had a wake up call and was probably surprised by the strength of your emotions - but it will all slip away unless you act now. Get some counselling for yourself maybe and start booking things that take you away for a bit. His response to that will tell you a lot about how much he values your relationship. Good luck

Tatiannatomasina · 17/04/2018 10:27

He needs to smell the coffee and wake up to himself. It might help you to make notes of all his trips so you have ammunition for his 'never get a break'. Also why the chuff would you and the kids want to waste a week watching him? Me me me is all I am hearing from him, so bloody self important. He needs to come down a peg or two, sharpish.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 17/04/2018 10:35

Of course he would rather have his wife at home and not involve anyone else...the alternative would be him having to step up and take some responsibility.
Did you even get a say?

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 10:36

Sorry I also meant to say thankyou for all the points and to Assasinated for coming back with support. I do recognise I've brought a lot of this myself, but thankyou, really.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 17/04/2018 10:40

If mornings aren’t stressful for him, which it sounds like they are, maybe it would be helpful if he prepped more the night before and made a list of exactly what he needs/needs to do before he leaves the house? That way, if he needs help with one or two items on it, then he can ask - respectfully! - for that, rather than expecting you to do everything for him.

dinosaursandtea · 17/04/2018 10:41

And maybe explaining step by step what you have to do in the mornings might make him realise what you actually do.

purpleorchidwhite · 17/04/2018 11:02

My EXh was similar.
I dutifully packed for him until I had two small children. Then my brain went to mush.
He unpacked his case once to find I'd forgotten pants and trousers for a week stay somewhere. He complained bitterly and he never let me forgot my misdeed. But, he never asked me again to pack his bag 😁

I think he thought that I did nothing all day and he worked hard (which he did), so he assumed I'd wait on him hand and foot. One of the many reasons he is my EXH.

CowesTwo · 17/04/2018 11:06

So when you talk later and he mentions how he 'never has a break', please do itemise all those breaks he has had that you have mentioned above.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/04/2018 11:09

quest if he is becoming ill from overwork because he obsesses then it might be helpful for him to have to do more of his own shit, even though it seems helpful to take the stress of packing a bag off him.

I have a very stressful job. I know that for me the little things like having to remember keys and pants all help to keep my brain engaged in life not just work.

CheesyWeez · 17/04/2018 11:09

I get you OP. In the evening when you're tired and DH comes in late, you just want a harmonious evening and it can be so hard to say discordant or rebellious things to his face. It's not often the "right" time for you, and if it is and you manage to say something, he shuts you down saying it's not the "right" time for him. Well done for saying it yesterday.

Be prepared for two things tonight EITHER - he says nothing / suddenly has a work dinner and tries to carry on as "normal" OR flowers, promises, come to see me at my bike ride bla bla.

It's important now to think what you DO want, and write it down. eg:

  • You're going out on Thursday with your friend and he has to come home in time. He has to write it in his diary. And you GO, in any case OP, telling the kids dad will be in soon. My kids could be left at that age for an hour or so. *He comes home earlier/works less/works from home on Fridays *comes on family holidays, ffs, or doesn't, if you prefer, due to the atmosphere.
  • He has to look after his own clothes and equipment.
  • Go away for a couple of days in half term? I know your DS has to revise for exams but he can get organized. So when DH back from his cycling you're not there or just oldest son is home. He can think about his life without you
  • OR it's too late, too long being treated like this, and the love's died and you want a change

Think about what you want and have that ready. He sounds like a man who is used to solving problems (in his own dubious ways) and will want something concrete to work on.

Incidentally watching him doing his bike ride? I mean what? Does he watch the kids doing their ballet / judo / receiving head teachers award or whatever? (maybe he does but you haven't mentioned that. ) And when do YOU get to do something that is worth other people coming to watch?

Good luck OP this is hard. But think today and you will know what to do.

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2018 11:18

He really does talk to you terribly doesnt he:

Why are you throwing this at me? Think very carefully before you say I'm affecting my own children"

Is horrible he really has no idea does he.

And all that time he gets off.

But you havent really answered what the kids actually think about him - do they even like being around him at all?

Isayeichnotheich · 17/04/2018 11:30

OP, to let him see the truth, if he's told you all the work he's doing is for "you", tell him you think he's earned enough money, if he's actually doing it for you you don't want him to continue with this job and want to do something less stressful and family friendly, because money doesn't compensate for what he turns into under stress and his lack of being part of the family.
Say you want to start thinking what you want to do with your life apart from mothering and looking after him and the house, and him finding something less hot paced which would help to share the load of responsibility at home would benefit you far more.
I have no doubt he wouldn't consider changing a job etc, but at least you need to make him force to face his hypocrisy, that he isn't just doing it "for you", he is doing it because it makes HIM fulfilled, otherwise he just chooses to do what he wants to do and sees himself as a hero for it, for earning so much money and coping with such enormous stress Hmm

Maybe open a thread in relationships for more support? This one is running out of space anyway...