Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

Fucks sake. I'm actually quite angry for you! What a first rate idiot. He is lazy and self-centred in the extreme.

(Apologies if thread has moved on since the start but couldn't not respond)

This just popped up on my FB newsfeed memories - seems appropriate for this situation...
pics.me.me/ive-been-thinking-im-the-man-of-this-house-so-3924335.png

FFS. tried to post that as a pic but MN wouldn't let me open the "choose file" thingies.

Your husband has just won the ultimate cunty fucker award from me OP
Tell me does he also refuse to look aftet the DC and refer to it as Babysitting when he does

Actually I understand what seventh is saying and it really isn't about blame. It's about taking responsibility to do something to improve the situation in which op now finds herself.

She can only change her behaviour, her response, she cannot and will not change his. She has been conditioned over many years and it takes a lot of emotional time and energy to reset the compass.

As I've said, I personally could not be with someone who had such little regard for me. If op truly is as unhappy as she says, and seems from her posts, then she has to take responsibility by refusing to enable his continued shitty behaviour towards her. Just as the partner of an alcoholic or drug addict must stop their enabling behaviour.

Often this means serious consequences and allowing their partner to fall so far down that they have no option but to pick themselves up or die. I'm afraid that in situations of abuse like this (let's call it exactly what it is) then the behaviour and personalities involved in the relationship are often so ingrained that there is no changing - at least on the abuser's part. It's at least part of the reason he's become so successful in his career - facilitated of course by op.

Therefore the only person who can do something about their situation is the person fulfilling the subservient role, by taking back control. Unfortunately though, the taking back of control is fraught with danger and personal consequences, resulting in women putting up with their circumstances for far longer than they should or than others would believe possible.

Op, your situation won't change until you do. Look carefully at his response when you tell him you want to instigate change. That will tell you everything you need to know about your chances of success.

Oh golly we all live in our bubbles of what to us is the norm.

My dad always gets my mum breakfast in bed and and has done so throughout their 35 year marriage including when he was working in a stressful full time job in the 70s and 80s and now while they are retired.

My dh also brings me up a cup of tea in the mornings and sees to the dc's breakfast and laundry before heading off to his stressful full time job ( he adores our dc and wants to spend as much time with them and helping out as possible as we are a team).

Coming on MN has been a real eye opener as I have only ever had wonderful male role models and friends in my and my dc's lives.

How women put up with so much crap, hurt, unhappiness, selfishness and procreate with these men and then produce the next generation of crappy, disgustingly selfish knobs.

The cycle is only going to stop if the Freedom programme is made compulsory and men and women are conscious about what sort of role model they are to their sons and daughters.

55 year marriage I should say

OP, is he the guy who took a friend’s bike on holiday to go road racing with the friend so that you had to get hire bikes for the kids as there wasn’t room? And he went road racing with the friend rather than mountain biking with you and the kids?

I remember that thread. I couldn't believe the OP just went along with it.

@questi0n how did it go last night? Were you able to get him to listen to you, or did he shut you down again?

I have been laughing for ten mins at the sausage roll in a work boot @ForTheLoveOfSleep I'm on a train platform shaking silently it's genius!

Thankyou to so many people on here.

I did talk to him last night and it ended up coming on quite suddenly when we were going to bed because he came and put his arms round me in the bathroom and I pushed him off and then it all came out. I told him I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and when he's at home he creates a certain vibe. I told him the children must be picking up on it. He got very defensive, "Why are you throwing this at me? Think very carefully before you say I'm affecting my own children". He was pacing up and down the bedroom and he wouldn't sit down. Then he started saying that I should be supporting him, not criticising him. He is "under a lot of pressure". This is how it always goes and it ends up being all about him. I said, "how can you say I don't support you. I've done nothing else since I met you". He said he has worked non-stop without a break for nearly 20 years and it takes its toll. I said nobody knows that more than me, but the truth is you won't stop, no matter what anyone says. I told him he is not a normal person and he surrounds himself with other similar types and look at where they've all ended up. Divorced and in rehab. He gets very edgy if I touch on this subject. He said everything he has done, he has done for his family. School fees and houses and trust funds do not come out of thin air. I told him I really do know this and I appreciate everything but he has been very successful in recent years. Everyone knows this, except him because he can't see it. One day the children will be gone and he needs to value what he has now. Otherwise what is the point?
There was more to it than that but I ended up getting very upset and I was shaking and I couldn't stop. I told him I will always help him but I feel like it's never enough. He said why would I not want to help him when he's under stress? He would do anything for me. I told him that it's not reasonable to expect me to find his keys or whatever and call me every time he can't find something instantly. I don't ask him to help with the kids in the mornings or evenings. I don't put any extras pressure on him. I said surely you can sort out yourself as an adult of 47 years old who used to be in the Navy. I told him I fit around him as much as I can and I'm not sure he's even aware of it. There are 5 people in this house. I carry all the kids stress and sometimes I need support too. He said he tries his best to give me everything and what do I want? I said I want him to stop talking "at" me as if I'm an employee or something because even the kids are noticing it and it's embarrassing. He says he doesn't realise he's doing that.
I basically told him that if he carries on like this for another ten years he will make himself ill and he will make me ill. I will support him if he wants to push this particular business through, I know I can't make that decision for him, I have no control over it, but please give me some respect in the meantime. He eventually went very quiet. He says he loves me and he only wants what's best for me. He says he has a lot to think about.

There was more to it than that, but that was the gist. This morning he gave me a hug and asked me if I was ok and can we talk later.

OP may I suggest that you post in Relationships.
Unfortunately your title is very click bait
You know AIBU is harsh
Your H is not doing this for you, this is all for him.
Only you can decide where you go from here.
There are a lot of very unhelpful comments on here, but you really need to have a long think about your future.
You need to book a holiday, just for yourself.
I know your H wouldn't bother to ask or consult you if that's what he wanted to do.

Well done OP on confronting the issue with your DH - hopefully he's taken at least some of it onboard! The only way to make changes is to actually make then though so don't allow things to continue as they are - stand firm about his habits, his tone and his 'requirements' and as a pp said, make time for yourself! 💐

Well done for being brave and talking to him. How do you feel about how he responded? I think it's a good sign that he's willing to think about his behaviour and talk further. You just need to make sure that you are clear about where your boundaries are and not allow him to twist everything back on you, but it sounds like you did that really well last night.

Glad you had that conversation OP. See how the conversation goes this evening. Maybe in the interests of moving forward positively together you can consider couples counselling/therapy? It might help him see how he communicates and how his actions affect others. 3rd party perspective might be very useful for him.

Sorry I x-posted.
Well you have certainly got the ball rolling.
But you need to keep your eye on the ball.
I expect he will now lavish gifts on you.

Your kids do not need a trust fund.
They need a father and a good role model

Op it's huge progress that you've raised it, well done.

I can tell from your recent update that there is a lot of work to do to reset your relationship. I mean this in a kind way, but you are not doing yourself any favours by submitting to the kind of language you use, and tolerate from him. He believes that money means success, that he is providing. You too are providing, not supporting. Your work in the house and with the children means he can flourish in his chosen career. You are not subservient, yet the language you use is very passive, supportive etc. You are enabling, empowering him to have a high flying career by running everything else in your lives. He hasn't had a break? He has! He's had several recently - without you and the kids. The fact that he turned everything back on you is very telling I'm afraid.

WEll I'm really glad that it all spilled out - well done. And really well done for carrying on despite his hugely obvious attempts to completely shut you down - "think very carefully" - who the fuck does he think he is? What he means is "I don't want to listen to this so don't throw it at me" which is no basis for a loving partnership.

But it seems you got most of what you wanted to say out, so now you need to capitalise on the various points - keep pointing out to him when he talks to you like an employee, keep saying "do you REALLY need ME to do that for you, as a grown-arse adult", keep saying "I need support too, you know" and so on because it's the only way he'll realise just how much he DOES put upon you.

I hope your talk later is more productive.

Oh and do tell him that his "think very carefully" nonsense is just an attempt of his to put you back in your box, and you've kicked the box to perdition and have zero intention of going back in it.

Also it's a classic red flag that you feel you must be grateful for what he has done, yet expect no gratitude for everything you continue to do to facilitate his career. Do you see how the dynamics are skewed, purely in terms of the language you both use?

I think that him having a Naval background may have something to do with this, he’s been conditioned to give and respond to orders. Also people from the services do in my experience have a very strong work ethic. But he needs to switch that off now and realise you don’t operate on command.

Great that you had the conversation OP, let’s hope things improve.

"Think very carefully before you say I'm affecting my own children"

What a knob! Zero self awareness for a start...

"I told him he is not a normal person and he surrounds himself with other similar types and look at where they've all ended up. Divorced and in rehab"

Good for you! I bet they all treated their wives like skivies for years, and convinced each other it was acceptable.

How can someone be so arragant and up themselves, yet also need their wife to get them ready in the morning? (Such pathetic man child behaviour). I bet he's a nightmare to work with. He sounds like the type to ask others to do his work, then take the credit. He prob also thinks everyone admires him, but in reality they all laugh at him when his back's turned.

Thanks so much. When he says he "hasn't had a break" I almost don't know what to say. This year alone, it's only April, he has had at least 3 trips overseas with the cars. He climbed a mountain and I can't even remember when that was, but not long ago. I'm sure there have been other things as well. He is going on a cycling holiday in another country next month for a week and this is a yearly fixture. He said why don't I come with the kids to be there at the finish line as this is what most of the wives do! I said a) it's over half-term and it's exam week for 2 of the DC when they return to school and b) I'm not sure I want to take the kids to this place as it's not exactly a common destination. So how can he say he never had a break? I might not work, but I can honestly say I haven't had a single weekend away since the DC were born, unless it's with him and /or them. It's probably my own stupid fault, but that's the truth.

Next time he says he hasn't had a break, do remind him of his numerous trips away without you all...

How long has this shit been going on? Too long.

He sees you as beneath him fundamentally and there to facilitate his life. Sure, he'll throw you the odd kind bone here and there to keep you from straining at the leash too much but at his core you're not his equal, you're his subordinate.

I'm glad he was able to listen to you op, and I hope you can have a productive talk with him later.

I would remind him that the children are your job and your life's work, as much as his business is his, and that when you come to him with a concern he needs to listen and respect that, that it goes without saying that you do 'think very carefully' about everything to do with them and how best to address it, and that you feel that credit is due for that rather than him talking down to you. I'd also suggest counselling because you need an environment where you can air this stuff without being accused of being aggressive and mean for talking about your feelings.