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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/04/2018 23:56

Does he have any challenges (learning difficulties) or physical restrictions that would prevent him from remembering what he needs and packing a bag?

Because those are the only circumstances I'd be assisting in. If not..my response would be... never mind my response. I wouldn't be doing it.

MistressDeeCee · 17/04/2018 00:34

Turkaddin generally that's a reality that most don't ever want to admit. It's not the done thing really to acknowledge this type of set-up exists. Even though it's nothing new.

There's always a trade-off and some women can and will cope with all sorts of shit for the sake of it. I won't judge them for it though. Life and needs can be complicated. Albeit I've seen often enough that the price to pay is just too heavy...and what you can cope with in say your 20s/30s has worn you down when you reach your 40s/50s and are wondering if it was all worth it.

pallisers · 17/04/2018 00:37

Turkaddin generally that's a reality that most don't ever want to admit. It's not the done thing really to acknowledge this type of set-up exists. Even though it's nothing new.

yes indeedy. Although it isn't the reality that the OP described so why the fuck are Turk's musings on the her view of the transactional nature of male and female relationships in any way relevant???

Bramble71 · 17/04/2018 00:43

You're his wife, not his employee. And I hope he doesn't talk to his employees like that either!

I'd be leaving him detailed instructions in how to get the famiky up, ready and put of a morning and book myself a couple of nights in a hotel.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2018 01:10

Hope you have scheduled your "chat" with him into his work flow, else you're not going to be listened to!

I'm sorry, you definitely don't count as his equal life partner, do you. More his "general factotum" and housekeeper. In fact, I'd be tempted to buy one of those black dresses that housekeepers wore in the early 20thC, and a lace cap, maybe a pinny and start calling him "sir" to get the point across. Then go on strike and demand fair pay.

What a toss remark and situation though - to expect you to nursemaid HIM through his morning as well as your actual children! Fuck that.

I hope you manage to get him to see just how disrespectful his attitude to you is. :(

OfficerVanHalen · 17/04/2018 01:41

I agree with cantitbesimpler and AssassinatedBeauty. Sometimes ryping ot out loud can be the very first step to knowing something’s amiss. And realising that someone you love so very much is being actually shitty to you is a horrible realisation to go through, without immediately getting to the practicalities of slinging them out.

Op really needs mn, there is so much wisdom here, i hope she (and other women like her) aren’t put off using this as a place for support while they get their head straight about what’s going on in their relationships because people get so impatient with them for not immediately laying down the law, or making them feel crap by being so gung ho like ‘well i would never put up with this/my dh would never do this he is great and does xyz instead’

I feel for you op Flowers i hope you come back.

seventh · 17/04/2018 06:03

Read the OP's posts and stop blaming her for her husband's shitty behaviour.

It's not about blame.

If I am in a situation where I'm not happy/things aren't going the way I'd like,

and that situation continues year after year

and I allow that situation to continue and nothing changes .....

then.... as I am responsible for creating my own life and making my own happiness

I am also responsible for creating my own dissatisfaction and unhappiness

@questi0n is allowing her husband to treat her this way , not once or twice, but over and over again. She's empowering him to continue to be who he is.

KC225 · 17/04/2018 06:09

Its not your asisitance he needs, its a butler he needs.

GREATAUNT1 · 17/04/2018 06:19

Just tell the twat to fuck off!

TammyWhyNot · 17/04/2018 06:28

OP, is he the guy who took a friend’s bike on holiday to go road racing with the friend so that you had to get hire bikes for the kids as there wasn’t room? And he went road racing with the friend rather than mountain biking with you and the kids?

Even if that wasn’t him, cycling seems to be popular with many men who behave like this.

flumpybear · 17/04/2018 06:40

Yesterday I got myself and my kids up and out the house to breakfast club before 730 for my first 8am meeting - had four further meetings throughout the day, didn't have time for lunch, was home, after my weekly food shop, cooked dinner and set down to eat at 8:15 ish ...

My husband didn't even help as he had a new job so sloped odd super early .... then went for a run and out the kids to bed .... and guess what .. I'm still alive ShockWink

MrsLemonadeBrain · 17/04/2018 06:41

If I’ve got something important on DP might cook me breakfast before I go, or run me a bath the night before and vice Versa but no - we are both adults as a general rule we can manage without “full assistance”

littlebillie · 17/04/2018 06:45

I would smile and ignore 😁

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/04/2018 07:31

"It's not about blame." - then goes on to blame the OP for empowering her husband's behaviour.

VladPutin · 17/04/2018 07:34

You shouldn’t be getting anyone out the door apart from yourself to work. Your kids either

VladPutin · 17/04/2018 07:36

Ah you don’t work. Christ sake op. Get a job

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/04/2018 07:41

Fgs, is haranguing the woman helpful? "Get a job" is the sum total of your advice? Guaranteed that if she did so, then she would still be doing everything for everybody whilst also working! It's going to take time to rebuild confidence and to be able to change a dynamic that has been happening for 16 years. If it was as simple as telling him to fuck off then she wouldn't be here asking for advice.

VladPutin · 17/04/2018 07:44

These women who don’t work. It always ends up like this. The blokes an arse/adulterer. Then “where do I start getting a job”? I mean. Come on women

FluffyWhiteTowels · 17/04/2018 07:50

I think the OP may have got the message that most people think she is way down the list of important things in her DH's view and his actions give the impression he finds her a bit of an irritation.

But let's support OP please. She came for support not more harassment.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/04/2018 07:50

It's easier to rebuild confidence and change the dynamic when you change something significant about the situation, like getting a job.

Trying to change everything by changing only your attitude is ridiculously hard for patterns that have become entrenched over years.

Mix it up easier with something big. Job and/or moving out are the obvious ones.

blackeyes72 · 17/04/2018 07:59

I do agree about the principle of getting a job, more from the point of view that he might be forced to change due to practicalities.

Flisspaps · 17/04/2018 08:00

How are you this morning @blackeyes72?

Flisspaps · 17/04/2018 08:01

Sorry, phone showed wrong person as OP on tagging list!

How are you this morning @questi0n?

nellly · 17/04/2018 08:02

Oh wow I totally misunderstood, I thought your husband was disabled and you were struggling with assisting him in the mornings and sorting your kids Grin I was all set to sympathise with how hard that must be! But no, I've never known an able bodied adult need any sort of morning assistance like that I'm afraid

Steala · 17/04/2018 08:04

"Get a job" is rather trite advice but doesn't this thread highlight the change in relationship once one party doesn't work outside the home? The drama of man out to work, everyone rushing around to assist the conquering hero while he (what does he do????) gears his brain for the day ahead. The partner at home keen to make an equal contribution and gradually losing herself to a supporting role. Power dynamics can shift no matter how loving the relationship or enlightened the couple.

Getting a job causes all sorts of problems too. I've personally tried all sorts of work/stay at home/combination scenarios and I haven't been happy with any. I do think, though, that issues like this deserve an open debate.