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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 16/04/2018 20:20

Marriage counselling?

Nah, sorry. Why on earth would you want to put that kind of effort into being with someone so horrible? Mind blowing. I left my ex husband for WAY less than this. I know it's not just as simple as leaving but you can't fix something when somebody is just a horrible person.

FrancisofAss · 16/04/2018 20:28

@questi0n - do you feel beholden to him as he earns the money and you don’t work?

This is an issue I have always had with my dh as he works full time and earns a LOT more than me (I work part time). He NEVER makes me feel like this, it’s entirely my issue!

I had a revelation recently when I was talking to a head of HR at a big company. She works full time, her partner doesn’t work. She loves it. She said she felt so grateful that her partner dealt with the children etc and enabled her to work. She said she would hate to be at home all the time. She 100% recognised that it was the way their relationship worked that allowed her to do what she wanted (work full time).

The implication with your dh seems to be that you are there to service his needs (however ridiculous they are), your pay is the life he allows you to have. How lucky for you Hmm.

I’m glad that this thread has given you food for thought.

Shizzlestix · 16/04/2018 20:56

Fucking hell, some people still really do live in the 1950s! Unbelievable!

I’ll reiterate, OP, he is not a nice guy. He bullies you and stops you reacting normally by telling you ‘I’m warning you...’. Why would you let him do this to you?

Whilst you might be prepared to tolerate his bollocks, you are training your children up to believe the doormat wife is the norm. Please stop catering for his every need and start looking after your own for a change.

MerryDeath · 16/04/2018 20:57

i would die laughing. but then my H might say that but it wouldn't be with a straight face.

LannieDuck · 16/04/2018 21:06

I'd love to have a wife. She'd take care of all the housework and chores. I'd never have to cook or clean, and she'd do all the tedious parts of child-rearing plus all the school-stuff, so I could concentrate on my career. And she wouldn't complain when I went off to pursue my hobbies, which I could do whenever I felt like it because I don't have to worry about childcare.

I think DH is addicted to his work and it's been easier for me to go along with it. Also, it's very much presented as he's doing all for me, to secure our financial future and ensure the DC are sorted etc.

He's not, you know. He's doing it because he wants to be The Big Man. If it was about you and the kids, he'd be working with you as a team. What you wanted would be relevant. But it's not about any of you at all, it's all about what He wants.

That's why you need to sort him out in the morning. Because The Big Man doesn't think about irrelevant details like packing bags the night before. That's what you have a wife for.

(Incidentally, I learned to pack my bag the night before when I was in secondary school. If a kid can do it, so can A Big Man.)

pallisers · 16/04/2018 21:07

but recently I've been feeling so worn out by his demands and mood swings, I feel detached and I never have before.

You are detaching from him - inevitable considering how he behaves. Pretty soon you will find him simply boring. Then irritating. Then you will feel nothing but a faint contempt. Your marriage will be over at that point, whether you intend it or not. Either he gets a grip and treats you with respect and consideration (if your teen noticed it, I think things have gone pretty far) or it will end anyway - you will simply not care anymore.

You'll probably hang in there until the kids are well into their teens and then say fuck it I'm still young enough to have a life and a decent relationship and split. He'll say things like "i have no idea what got into her - some sort of mid life crisis perhaps" and then marry a much younger woman who is impressed by his wealth and status. He might get a shock the first time he asks her to pack his bag for him though.

Or else you'll develop your own life as the kids become more independent and do your own stuff/job/hobbies and simply not be around for him much anymore. When he tries to tell people that he is upset you aren't there to serve him dinner/pack his bag every night of the week, they'll murmur sympathetically and then laugh at him behind their backs. He may have an affair at this point which will of course be your fault.

fannyanddick · 16/04/2018 21:33

I have a similar model. I think they breed in the finance industry which justifies their attitude in their culture.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 16/04/2018 21:38

Shizzlesticks, the 50s were not all about fembots and desperate housewives. It is such a lazy cliche. My mum and aunties (and lots of other women their age) were not treated like this. It is a bit of a myth!

Women and jobs, and even in the 50s most husbands respected their wives, you know, they were people just like us more "modern" folks

pallisers · 16/04/2018 22:15

agree completely Peanut

My parents married in the 50s. My mum used to tell the story about how her oldest brother in law (almost 20 years older than my dad and not married) came to visit when they were newly married. My dad wanted to bring mum breakfast in bed and she was saying "ah no, I'll get up". Her BIL took her aside and said "you might not want breakfast in bed now but you will some day- better to start as you go on". She took his advice. So my dad worked, my mum didn't. Every morning my dad brought her a cup of tea and toast in bed and had breakfast with us. The day he died - after 50 years of marriage - he brought her up tea and toast for breakfast. My parents - who would be almost 100 now - would not recognise the marriage OP is describing.

Motoko · 16/04/2018 22:20

I don't believe he loves you, if he did, he wouldn't treat you like this. You love him, and you say yourself that you wouldn't dream of asking him to do the things he asks you.
He wouldn't shut you down every time you try to talk to him about things.
He would make sure he got home so that you could go out.
He would be present on your family holidays, and would be there for the whole holiday.
He wouldn't spend most of the weekend following his own pursuits.
He wouldn't be having 3 holidays with his mates in 3 months, and only half a holiday with you and his children.
He wouldn't "warn" you not to carry on a conversation you're trying to have with him.
He wouldn't move the goalposts when he tells you to do something for him.
He wouldn't tell you to do things for him.

None of those are a sign of a loving relationship.

I really hope you change things. I really hope you go out on Thursday. I really hope you go and have counselling (just you), because you need it.

Worieddd · 16/04/2018 22:23

I can’t believe people still live like this Sad

gingergenius · 16/04/2018 22:30

To summarise, op, MUMSNET thinks he's a Knob!

Graphista · 16/04/2018 22:33

I'm hoping op comes back to thread so we know she's safe, I really don't think this guy would be beyond turning violent I suspect there's rage bubbling under the surface.

For the same reason I really wouldn't recommend counselling, he sounds highly skilled in manipulating people.

Op I think you need to carefully and quietly arrange your exit from this relationship - he won't change.

fuzzyduck33 · 16/04/2018 22:34

Full assistance? Mental image of you pulling up his underpants whilst spooning weetabix into his mouth Confused

KERALA1 · 16/04/2018 22:35

Thinking about it my dad has brought my mum breakfast in bed everyday of my life so far (both 70s am in my 40s). She had years of sahm and then worked again for 20 odd years but didn't affect the breakfast in bed.

pallisers · 16/04/2018 22:46

I'm hoping op comes back to thread so we know she's safe, I really don't think this guy would be beyond turning violent I suspect there's rage bubbling under the surface.

Sorry but this is pure melodrama. I don't need OP to come back to "know she is safe". She is a grown up who can come back to this thread or not as she wishes. I suspect she is processing a lot but the idea that her husband is going to be imminently violent based just on what she posted ...

RosaRosaRose · 16/04/2018 22:48

pallisers I come from a similar family. My parents married during the war. Every morning my father brought us, mother and three daughters, a cup of tea before we got up. Every evening, he did the washing up, because my mother had cooked. He worked long hours in an absorbing job. She stayed home and looked after us all. Those actions, in that small way, showed us that he valued her and how proud he was. Never took her for granted.

gingergenius · 16/04/2018 22:49

@KERALA1 can I borrow him please? On a 'rent a breakfast' basis? Only thing I miss about my ex was that he brought me a cuppa on a Sunday!

gingergenius · 16/04/2018 22:50

@RosaRosaRose and that is exactly as it should be. No one person trumps the other.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2018 23:02

He'll get the shock of his life if one day you snap and walk away. His life will fall apart and it will be the last thing he'll expect.

He really is an old-fashioned 'provider' who needs to come into the 21st century.

OP have you ever thought about counselling for you to help you work through the best way for you to change things?

Graphista · 16/04/2018 23:18

Of course op can come back to the thread or not but I am genuinely worried for her safety.

Op has said things like he's controlling, demanding, volatile has said things like "I'm warning you"

I'm not getting that feeling from thin air.

Turkkadin · 16/04/2018 23:31

OP has said she has 3 children to organise in the morning but then goes on to add that they are secondary school age. They hardly need much seeing to?? I don't think any of the assistance she is providing is wrong. What is wrong imo is her husband's entitled and disrespectful attitude towards her. She also has said it has been going on for years so she has been shutting up and putting up for a bloody long time. Why all the discontent and thoughts of a revolt now? Not many women have the perfect husband. Some women are prepared to put up with a self serving, full of his own importance partner in life. They put up with it because there is always something in it for them and that is usually money. Not having to worry about how the bills are paid, having a nice house, a new car, no food budgets to stick to in Aldi every week. No Aldi at all probably. No woman sticks this shit out for this long without it being her bread and butter.

pallisers · 16/04/2018 23:34

well we'll have to agree to differ Graphista. OP has a tough situation on her hands but the idea that she might be in imminent danger of being physically assaulted by her husband seems far-fetched in the extreme to me.

You saying such an unlikely and far-fetched thing is in my opinion more likely to make the OP think "oh my god these women are over the top - they think he will hit me - nuts - I'll disregard the thread".

Not every bad marriage is a violent or even an abusive marriage. It can still be bad though.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 23:34

Read the OP's posts and stop blaming her for her husband's shitty behaviour.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/04/2018 23:44

When I used to try to raise things like you've planned, OP, then-H used to change the subject. Usually with some irritation, occasionally in an air of concern about me. Whatever the manner, my aim for the conversation always got lost along the way.

Hope you're ok.