Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

oh my goodness this is actually hilarious, why would you do that for him when he is a fully grown adult capable of sorting himself out, you are making a rod for your own back taking this kind of request seriously!

What vision does he have for your daughter’s future? Does he plan for her to have university education and a career, or is he encouraging her to work in administrative and support roles, or to become a stay-at-home-wife? Does he have different plans and aspirations for your sons?

He reminds me of the dad in the 90s movie 'Beethoven'

OP I know others have mentioned this, but am really concerned that your children are learning this way to relate in a marriage. They will totally be absorbing it. You mention that one of your children has noticed his attitude sucks - and presumably respects his father a lot less for it. Good that he knows it's wrong - but does he really want their disrespect. And much MUCH more to the point, do you want this for your kids in their own marriages, thinking it's normal?

I'm afraid have been reading some of your comments out to my DH and DD and we are united in horror that anyone would even talk to their employees that way, never mind their spouse. Please let this be the day the worm turns, for your DC's and future DIL's and SIL's sakes.

He is selfish, self-absorbed and he thinks that he is above everyone. Especially you.
I'd have laughed in his face and told him to grow up long ago.
The examples of what he says to you smacks of office fuckwittery talk.
I'm sure he's very lovely in some ways but he needs to learn how to be a husband and dad.

I see so fine when the kids toe the line but not when they have an opinion

That isnt lovely

I’m not sure why the OP is being blamed for enabling her partner’s domineering behaviour. Would you also blame a child in the playground for enabling a bully? The OP is not a child but she is in a vulnerable position, not doing paid work so more dependent, keen to protect her family. And it is the power differential that makes it harder to call the behaviour, and retain insight into her own worth.

Plus how many people would go from an “is this normal?” to leaving their partner in the space of one thread of advice from strangers on the internet?

It can take many years of very patient counselling before a woman is able to leave a relationship like this. Surely we don’t need to bully her too?

Thankyou I'm going to tell him I feel bullied by him at times and he'll probably be horrified but he does need to hear it. If he gets angry then that's what he needs to do. He'll be back soon, so I'll post if possible when I can as I don't want him seeing any of this.

He's wiping his feet on you as he heads out the door. This is very sad.

Bloody hell, wouldn't fancy living with him!

How he responds to your big no hold barred talk tonight, will tell you whether this is a bad dynamic you've got yourselves in over the years, or whether he's really the compete controlling arse.

You've let him get away with it op, and let's face it we probably all take someone a bit for granted. What he says will be very important to the future of your relationship and you must make him aware of that. His initial reaction will be as it usually is but whereas you would normally back off, you are going to have to plough on. Tell him to think about it long and hard because things have got to change. For starters make sure you make that meeting later on in the week by hook or by crook. Don't wait for him to suggest a weekend away with your friends. Tell him you are going.
If he reacts badly to the new assertive you, then you really need to think about leaving him. If he shows willing to work with you, then there may be hope. It won't change completely overnight but make sure it does change a lot over time. Habits are hard to break but this one needs to. If it's that he is just absolutely controlling, you need to tell him to do one.

Maybe you both need to see a therapist or relationship counsellor OP. For both your sakes and your kids’.

^^ I was about to say this about a counsellor. He sounds like a selfish misogynist to be honest - everything’s on his terms. Good that he’s securing the future but you can’t just wish your life away while putting up with this utter bellend.

Me, no I do not have this problem as my dp would feel like a complete prick behaving like this.

I think you need to remind him that what he can expect in the office where he is the boss is not what he can expect at home with an equal partner.

Suggest you tell him tonight that YOU will need full assistance tomorrow morning and bark orders while he sorts out pet kits etc for the children.

What an idiot

You’re not his mum, stop allowing him to act like your child. If he forgets something its his responsibility.

My OH helps me out with my 3 DC before he goes to work! Makes them breakfast & sometimes dresses them if he has time.

Your DH needs to grow the fuck up!

Tell him to get up half an hour earlier and sort his own shit out!

Your DH has got some nerve OP, you have 3 DC to get to school, YOU are the one that needs full assistance

Just going to quote @cantitbesimpler's post in full:

"I’m not sure why the OP is being blamed for enabling her partner’s domineering behaviour. Would you also blame a child in the playground for enabling a bully? The OP is not a child but she is in a vulnerable position, not doing paid work so more dependent, keen to protect her family. And it is the power differential that makes it harder to call the behaviour, and retain insight into her own worth.

Plus how many people would go from an “is this normal?” to leaving their partner in the space of one thread of advice from strangers on the internet?

It can take many years of very patient counselling before a woman is able to leave a relationship like this. Surely we don’t need to bully her too?"

Some people need to think whether haranguing the OP is actually helpful.

I think we are so angry on your behalf op it might come over as questioning why you allowed it and being very assertive.

It’s jot you lovely its him. Have the chat, maybe write down what you want to say so he can’t bamboozle you.

Couples counselling?? Relate?? Would he? I know he sounds s knob but it may be a pattern you have all got into and to him it’s normal.

It’s not.

Oh just what assasinatedBeauty said x post

OP is not at fault for HIS behaviour, he’s clearly a dickhead but she must take responsibility for her own response. I can’t see anything that points to an abusive relationship, it just seems like he’s a dickhead who treats her like she’s another colleague.

Sit down with him, tell him how hes making you feel, tell him you expect him to be responsible for himself and to show respect to you as his wife.

If you cant do that without fear of his reaction then perhaps you do have a bigger problem to solve.
If you cant do this because its not in your personality to do so then you’ll have to put up with it.

' I can’t see anything that points to an abusive relationship'

She's afraid to 'push him too far' in case he turns 'volatile'. There was an unpleasant 'atmosphere' when he joined them on holiday. She goes along with his bullying because she's afraid of his response if she refuses. He had used the phrase 'im warning you' when saying it was not a good time to discuss something.

It sounds highly emotionally abusive to me

cantitbesimpler
I agree. Calling the OP names and expecting her to walk away from her marriage because of Mumsnet is not helpful or realistic. He sounds supportive in some ways but has very rigid gender role views, there is nothing wrong with that if you share those views. OP you don't and few women do these days, but let's see how he handles being told directly what impact he's having on you and the family. It's easy to say how he SHOULD behave or view things, but there will have been things we've all done and said that others think we SHOULD do differently. It might be the wake up call he needs, it might not, but everyone deserves a chance to change (not limitless chances btw) .