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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
YoloSwaggins · 16/04/2018 18:25

Is your husband John Veals from "A Week in December"?

tobee · 16/04/2018 18:26

I have to say if I found at my Dh spoke to a pa or staff like this I'd be mortified. Let alone to his wife.

Cosmos45 · 16/04/2018 18:39

Great post @OfficerVanHalen. Halo

Graphista · 16/04/2018 18:41

This sounds seriously if covertly abusive.

What happened when you had DC 2 and 3 in terms of the older children being cared for?

What would happen/has happened when you've been incapacitated in some way? I'd be very surprised if in at least 14 years you've never been ill or injured.

He treats you like shit on his shoe, you need to find a way to get out of the denial re "he loves me". He is not acting in a loving way at all. Even your kids are aware of it.

I suspect they're very frustrated and angry on your behalf BUT also likely to internalise this dysfunction as a template for their own future relationships.

Do you have sons, daughters? Would you be proud of a son that treated a wife like this? Be happy to see your daughter treated like this?

I think you're infantilising the children too - at those ages they're more than capable of sorting their own uniforms the night before school. They're also OK to be left for a couple hours without a babysitter in my opinion.

I suspect the real reason a babysitter is needed is because your husband would expect certain things done for him when he gets in from work. Very much doubt he ever cooks or does dishes.

Re a comment you made upthread - it's not hard for him to switch off from work... It's easy for him to dump all the shit work on you.

NapQueen · 16/04/2018 18:48

He sounds like he is a hideous boss. You should quit, no job is worth this.

《Re reads OPs posts》

Oh, you are his wife? Fucking hell.

frieda909 · 16/04/2018 18:49

I had one of these too and I cannot believe how wonderful life feels now that I don’t have to run around ‘assisting’ him every morning.

We both worked full-time but he had to leave for work earlier than me. It started off as the occasional ‘oh shit I’m running late, can you grab my lunch and put it in my bag for me?’ but as he gradually got used to the ‘assistance’ it ended up that I would get turfed out of bed before him so that I could iron his shirt and make his breakfast for him. He would actually stand over me barking orders about how to zip up his bag the right way, tapping his foot impatiently and telling me how he was going to be late if I didn’t hurry up.

If I ever tried to say no he would do the wounded puppy act and say ‘but I thought we were a team! I thought you liked helping me’.

He was a fucking prick.

Blaablaablaa · 16/04/2018 18:50

If I heard my DH speak to his staff the way you husband speaks to you I would be mortified. If he spoke to me like that he'd never have the opportunity to speak to me again . I'm so angry on your behalf

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 18:59

Thanks sorry just catching up.

VanHalen, your post very much rings true because he is a good man and husband in most ways. Nothing is obviously "wrong." I'm definitely not just with him for the money. He didn't have that particularly when I first met him, but this is how it's played out over the years. If you met me you would (hopefully) think I was fairly normal. I'm not passive or shy in general life and I get on well with the majority of people and situations. He likes me to have friends, but I guess I'm in the habit of seeing them when it doesn't impact him. I do know DH is very committed to me and to the DC, but he is quite controlling through his volatile moods.

It's hard to explain, but for instance, I could say, I want to move house and he would go with it. Many of the big decisions we've made have been down to me over the years. If I told I'm buying this or that for myself he's generally very easy going and never begrudged me or the DC having anything. He's not controlling like that. But if I told him not to leave his cups all over the house, he would say I was being aggressive. He will sort out my car, he deals with financial stuff mainly and he's fantastic in that sense. But he is demanding about my "assistance" and he asks me things that I wouldn't dream of asking him to do in a million years. It's lots of small things that add up really.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 16/04/2018 19:02

How is he with the children your posts don’t mention that at all.

LiteraryDevil · 16/04/2018 19:04

Are 700+ comments not enough OP?? Why are you still making excuses for him and trying to rationalise things? This is your life and your choice. Stop being a doormat and try taking the advice of all these comments for once.

Parker231 · 16/04/2018 19:13

OP - I think you and I have different views of how a ‘good man and husband ‘ behaves.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 19:13

He's lovely with the kids but will get short-tempered if they're being lazy or don't want to go out at weekends. He's not great at hanging round in the house. He can have fun with them and he has a lot of enthusiasm for doing more active stuff, but he also plays games with them. He wants to give them opportunities and secure their future financially and he's very focused on that. My eldest son clashes with him a bit as he's getting older. I would say he lets out daughter get away with a lot more than the boys, but that could be because she's the youngest as well. But in general, I would say he does really try with the kids. No he's not home at 6 every day, but that's typical in this area and probably most places I would think. I deal with the schools mainly, but he'll support whatever I think is best with their education.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 16/04/2018 19:13

Abusive behaviour comes in many forms and from all walks of lufe people/men who are controlling towards their families are not usually vile all of the time your husband thinks his time/job/life is more important than you and the Dc if you are willing to put up with that then crack on but if you don't then it is fine to challange him.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 19:15

I do hear all the comments, I really do. I was responding to Halen's post that things are not always obvious or clear-cut.

OP posts:
RosaRosaRose · 16/04/2018 19:15

He has come to see you as his housekeeper. Roof over your head, live in, all found. Changing his perception of you is going to be quite a journey.

Longdistance · 16/04/2018 19:16

Fuck that!

Hide his shit, don’t sort his clothes in the morning, and tell him to go fucking micromanage himself, as you leave him standing there like a twat when you walk out the door with 3 dc ready for school...

Parker231 · 16/04/2018 19:17

When your DC’s were small did he get up in the night to feed, change and comfort them, sit with them when they were sick, does he know how they like their cheese on toast preparing, which is their favourite biscuit, the names of their best friends, their favourite author?

feelingfree17 · 16/04/2018 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/04/2018 19:17

He often says things in a quite patronising way but I've tended to put it down to work stress and the fact he takes time to switch out of that mode
So he's a patronising dick at work too?

because he couldn't cope with not being put first he shouldn't be out first, he has three kids at home

OliviaPopeRules · 16/04/2018 19:18

OP, I'm sorry but wake the fuck up. He is not an honest man and nice underneath it all if he treats you that way. If you can't say something reasonable to him without him getting in a strop and acting like a 2 year old that is not normal. HE IS ABUSIVE but very good at hiding it so much so you can't even tell that is what is going on.
You are a SAHM, clue is in the name, you are not his personal servant.
Ask yourself this, would you want any of your kids married to someone like this?

RosaRosaRose · 16/04/2018 19:18

I'll correct myself, major-domo is more appropriate. I hope you do change things, you sound like a lovely person.

desertmum · 16/04/2018 19:22

I thought this was a wank thread - turns out it's a wanker thread

Best thing I've read all day Grin Grin [grin

Blaablaablaa · 16/04/2018 19:22

You have a daughter. How would you feel if she ended up living this life? She's learning from you how to be treated by a man and you're teaching your son's how to treat their future partners.
Isn't that enough to make changes?

64BooLane · 16/04/2018 19:22

@OfficerVanHalen, you have put that so well.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 16/04/2018 19:24

He is used to you and the kids doing as they are told

You have chosen to go along with this, for whatever reason (a quiet life?) but once your boys will start to lock horns, as teenagers, he won't know what has hit him (unless they are meek and compliant like you)

I would not "assist" my husband like he is my superior, yes we do things for eachother that is normal.

But in your shoes I would let him flap about and (oh horror) pack his own bag. I mean, what would happen if you did not? Would he hurt you (physically or verbally)?Sad