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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
HighwayDragon1 · 16/04/2018 17:47

So many typos.

Third=this
Test=treat

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 17:51

Highway, that's the thing, I don't think I could just say a flat "no" to him like that. What I tend to do is let it go over my head and then try and discuss it when he seems in the right frame of mind.

OP posts:
blackeyes72 · 16/04/2018 17:52

I echo what everyone else's said.

Dh gets up every morning, gets the children fed and delivered then goes to work - all by 7:15. I generally get up at 7:30.

If he us away I will do it all and get myself to work- oh and we have 4 children.

Neither of us requires assistance to get to work whilst also getting the children ready! He sounds like a child - I would laugh at him if he was my Dh..

HelenaDove · 16/04/2018 17:53

Your DH sounds like the ones mentioned in this article OP.

graziadaily.co.uk/life/opinion/i-ve-dumped-my-mum-friends-who-treat-their-husbands-like-an-extra-child/

Parker231 · 16/04/2018 17:53

Why do you need to get your DC’s up and out for school? They are all old enough to get themselves up, dressed, make breakfast, pack school bag and travel to school. If you worked they wouldn’t get a choice.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 16/04/2018 17:55

If my DH ever said anything like that to me I'd piss myself laughing then tell him to do it his bloody self. I refuse to be anyone's slave and expect my younger children to do a certain amount themselves and make it clear I am a slave to no one.

I suspect he is like this OP because you have clearly let him be for years. Even your children can see it. A poor model of a relationship I'm afraid. He treats you like an employee. He is not your boss, he clearly thinks he is, you are his equal and he needs to treat you as such. He certainly doesn't get to shut you down like he does. He is pretty clever and has done a real number on you OP.

bastardkitty · 16/04/2018 17:55

I would just stop everything. No warning. Don't wake him up. Don't wipe his arse. If he asks what you're playing at tell him he's an adult and it's over.

OfficerVanHalen · 16/04/2018 17:58

poor you op

i know people upthread are hooting with laughter etc but I find it really really sad and i am sorry for you and the other posters with tales of similar behaviour.

this behaviour is so so disrespectful and dehumanising and you sound thoroughly exhausted. And yet - it's so hard to take the 'LTB' advice isn't it? Men like this, that are not like in your face nasty, don't get pissed and hit you a slap or spend all the food shop money on coke and hookers, who are faithful and sober and into normal healthy stuff like sports and climbing and everyone at their work likes them and their friends are nice normal people, these are just funny little quirks of theirs aren't they? ha ha he thinks he's still at work bless him, ha ha he wouldn't survive without me, ha ha he would go on a works trip with no trousers, etc etc etc

but it's not funny, it's not normal, it is deeply selfish and deeply disrespectful. He has no empathy for you, does not see you as human in the way that he sees himself, he comes and goes as he pleases yet you can't even arrange a night out?

I'm not going to tell you what to do because i know for a fact how hard it is to split up a family home over something that's 'not that bad', how guilty one can feel for asking a perfectly 'nice' man to leave his home with his dc who adore him and all his creature comforts (that he worked so hard for). I'm not going to lay even more guilt on you and tell you what terrible example you are setting to your children, how they will end up as he is, how you are wasting your life, failing as a wife and mother, as these threads often go.

but I am going to tell you that you don't have to accept it, you haven't brought it on yourself, it's not 'just what men are like, useless lol' or any of the other things you might tell yourself or hear other people telling one another. you deserve better than this, but how you get there is up to you. it has to come from inside you because you deserve to be in control of your own life. do little things to take back control, arrange that night out for yourself, look into going back to work, save money up in an account that's just yours. announce you are doing xyz on a weekend day. see what happens if you stop asking and start telling. His responses will tell you all you need to know and hopefully bring clarity about what to do next. good luck.

Starlighter · 16/04/2018 18:00

Blimey! How ridiculous! My attention is on myself and my 2 dc in the morning. If anything, I ask him to help me with the kids! I can’t imagine him asking me to help get him ready! I think I’d laugh! Bonkers!

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 18:01

@WeirdyMcBeardy the reason he is behaving like this is because he wants to, not because the OP has allowed it or encouraged it. He is the issue, not the OP.

HighwayDragon1 · 16/04/2018 18:01

@question he has donea number on you. You are worth more than this, you need to believe it.

Start small, you say you wake him in the morning with a coffee? Wake him up, without the drink, when he asks where it is (because he will) tell him in the kettle. "I don't know where xthing is" he will ask why, what have YOU done with it.

When you start challenging him you will see who he truly is.

You are strong enough to say no.

mumonashoestring · 16/04/2018 18:02

What I tend to do is let it go over my head and then try and discuss it when he seems in the right frame of mind

Which isn't working - probably because it allows him to make all the right noises and then completely forget about it the next time he wants something, safe in the knowledge that you won't say no.

WickedLazy · 16/04/2018 18:02

My mother used to say "do you want me to wipe your arse for you too?" To requests lile this.

Str4ngedaysindeed · 16/04/2018 18:03

My cynical head says you put up with it as clearly there is a very large amount of money coming in.... maybe I'm wrong but why can't you just say no? so he holds his hand up and says 'I'm warning you' etc. You say you're not scared but if my dh ever did that kind of thing to me, there would be a huge row. You're timidly accepting it. Just seems very bizarre

Tinkobell · 16/04/2018 18:03

OP. No I don't have this problem with my DH. He always makes me a cup of coffee at 5.55am before I get the DC's up, by which time he is gone. It sounds to me like your DH is treating you like some kind of at home PA come skivvy not his wife. He sounds very pumped up on his own self importance.

Peartree17 · 16/04/2018 18:04

What would happen if you did say a 'flat no'? How would he respond to a perfectly polite, calm, but resolute, "No, I"m not your mum/your PA/your butler, I'm not doing that, you need to make time to do it tonight/tomorrow morning/whenever."? What happens when you let it 'go over your head and discuss it later'? From what you've said, these discussions don't seem to go your way.

Saltcrust · 16/04/2018 18:05

Great post OfficerVanHalen

TipTopTat · 16/04/2018 18:06

"No. If you want a PA hire one. Then preferably shag her and do fuck off..."

TheVeryHungryDieter · 16/04/2018 18:07

Wow!

When my husband says "I have an important meeting tomorrow, don't let me forget to pack X", I don't pack it for him... I ask when we're going to bed "did you pack X for tomorrow?" and then I tell him to lock up downstairs when he's done getting ready for the morning because I'm going up to bed now.

He gets himself up and out on his own steam and is gone half an hour before me and the kids leave for work/childminder. Half the time he's the one texting me stuff from the train like "don't forget DS has forest school today and needs to go in with wellies!"

NickyNackyNoodleNoo · 16/04/2018 18:08

Bless you OP, what a life you have. I don't even do half of that for my tweenagers.

I think he's one of those people that go from his mother doing everything to his wife taking over where his mother left off.

I guess you have 4 options

  1. Do nothing don't do this
  2. Slowly stop doing things for him
  3. Cold turkey and tell him to get a flipping grip
  4. Say nothing and show him this thread.
speedynamechange73 · 16/04/2018 18:08

My situation is very different in some ways, but DH has a long-term mental illness, and sometimes it makes talking to him about things difficult because he isn't in a good place on that day. But what I have learned is that somethings have to be discussed right there and then. 'There is no need to speak to me like that' for example, because the resentment will eat you up.

And their reluctance to talk about something is exactly that - it's not the wrong time, it's just that they don't want to talk about that issue.

And yeah, people get angry when they know they are in the wrong. He'll know he's in the wrong and that's why he's annoyed. He's annoyed with himself and he's annoyed with you for pointing out he's being a dick, because you're right.

I really empathise because I spent a long time walking on eggshells and dreading him coming home because he just made the mood change when he was so depressed. Then he had several breakdowns and actually it's been the best thing for all of us. We can now be honest with each other and it's really liberating. He also has a much better work-life balance because he realised that our family is the best and most important thing in his life (he also runs his own business).

blackteasplease · 16/04/2018 18:10

This is so sad OP. Been following for a while. You need to learn to say a flat no to him. and ignore any fallout or sulking.

Jozxyqk · 16/04/2018 18:10

When I saw the thread title, I honestly assumed the OP's DH must be physically disabled. That he's a selfish manbaby never occurred to me as it's equally laughable & terribly sad.

LakieLady · 16/04/2018 18:17

I have nothing to moan about really.

You have plenty to moan about, OP. You're being treated like a domestic servant and he cops the hump when you don't support his learned helplessness.

SimonBridges · 16/04/2018 18:18

He is very kind and generous in many ways. If he thinks there is something I need, he'll sort it. We never argue about money or the kids and there have been many times over the years when he's been so supportive.

To me that just says that he will throw money at a problem until it goes away. That’s all he’s doing.

How is your sex life? It is when he demands or more mutual?