Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
NooNooHead1981 · 16/04/2018 17:19

Goodness, most of our DC are probably more capable than your 'D'H! Why are you being such a martyr for him? He is a fully grown man, perfectly capable of a decent career and looking after himself, and yet he expects his wife to bend over backwards for him without so much as a 'with your leave' from her....

I haven't RTFT but I am presuming most of the advice here is pretty sound. I'm sure it will be hard to break such long-established roles and habits, but for the sake of everyone - and most importanly YOU - please, for the love of all things good, do something about your situation and get some time back for yourself.

I'm also sure that you don't really need us all to tell you what to do and how to do it. You are probably very astute and more than aware of what changes need to be made and what needs doing.

Just bloody do it and get your life back.

Best of luck...! Wink

Loandbeholdagain · 16/04/2018 17:20

My dad was like this. He isn’t a bad person and loves my mum, but to be honest needed a wake up call as he was so engrossed in his work he had lost perspective as what was normal! I still think my dad is ridiculous in his ideas but he is hugely hugely better since my sisters and I took him to task. I wish my mum had done it years ago.

iklboo · 16/04/2018 17:22

I thought 'full assistance' was a euphemism for a hand job before he got up in the mornings. Blush

spanky2 · 16/04/2018 17:23

I would set out really random things, like one flip flop, a tin opener, two pieces of Lego and a toilet roll.
He has got you confused with a personal assistant. Maybe set out a selection of hand tools to see if he's clever enough to work out your secret message to him. What a tool.

AviatorShades · 16/04/2018 17:24

iklboo,spot onGrin

DownTownAbbey · 16/04/2018 17:25

He thinks you're bought and paid for.

He wouldn't 'do anything' for you. He won't prioritise a family holiday because work or his hobby is more important. He won't even hear you out when you have something to say about your life!

How would you feel if he traded you in for a younger model in a few years? Would all that 'assistance' seem worth it then? Don't say he'd never cheat on you because that would be naive in the extreme.

KERALA1 · 16/04/2018 17:25

What everyone else has said obviously. Plus if he cycles that's very specific kit dh would never let anyone else sort that (or anything for that matter as he does it himself but def not fiddling with his cycling kit). If anything I get into trouble if I accidentally move any of the stuff he has a carefully calibrated going to work in cycle kit system. He is German so very particular.

Have a sinking feeling that I am actually like ops dh when I started cycling I did need dhs full assistance the first few times Blush

Bumblefuddle · 16/04/2018 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblefuddle · 16/04/2018 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomeKnobend · 16/04/2018 17:28

Ugh. Perhaps you could tear off the requisite number squares of toilet roll, line them up and label them, in case he needs a shit?

"Full assistance" ridiculous baby. Translation: I cba to get my shit together myself tomorrow so you do it for me.

BerylStreep · 16/04/2018 17:30

On reading the thread title alone I thought 'full assistance' was a euphemism for sex and a bj every morning.

rainbowstardrops · 16/04/2018 17:30

Woah, stop!!!
I'm sorry OP but he is treating you like a doormat BECAUSE YOU ARE LETTING HIM!!!!!

Actually, he's treating you like some menial employee. This has to stop!

Don't pussyfoot around - TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO TREAT YOU LIKE HIS WIFE!!!

I can appreciate that you've got yourselves into a rut but I do honestly shake my head in wonder why anyone even begins to tolerate this level of shiftiness and disrespect.

Seriously, sit him down and lay down the law otherwise you'll be a doormat forever. Thanks

rainbowstardrops · 16/04/2018 17:31

*shittiness
Not shiftiness Confused

theredjellybean · 16/04/2018 17:31

Sorry but everyone talking about 'going on strike' are inadvertently perpetuating the idea that the OP's 'job' is to do all this stuff for her dh.
It is nobodies job...
He is an adult and he can and will manage to do basic life activities if the op just stops doing them and is not negotiated into doing them again.
When you strike it is for better or different conditions and thus lay yourself open for negotiations.
I think that if you are a sahp it's not unreasonable to do stuff for working partner.. Like picking up dry cleaning or posting family birthday cards (two things I did today for my dp as I am wfh).
But you are frankly mad if you routinely do basic stuff... And as for it being unfair on dc.. Well they should be getting there stuff ready themselves unless they are tinies. And you don't stop doing their breakfasts etc and expect dh to do them if he has to get put door to office, of you don't have to get to office. But really... I did wonder if you put the tooth paste on his brush for him and wipe his bottom for him too

expatmatt78 · 16/04/2018 17:34

I actually thought he was requesting a different type of "full assistance" when I read your title!
But yeah he can f-off you have enough to do and he can get his own stuff ready if its so urgent

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 17:34

I have a distant relative who spent her whole life with a man like this, raising 3 children basically on her own. She was a SAHM the whole time, as he didn't want her to work. He wafted in and out, played lots of golf and did what he liked. When the last child was 18 he requested a divorce, citing the "reason" that she was no longer svelte and attractive enough for him. As it happens she was very attractive for a woman in her early 50s, he was just a pig. She had leave her family home, start working and so on at that point in her life, very little confidence by that point. Her relationship with her children suffered, the son is just like the father and treated her badly.

I hope you can start to find a way to change things.

theredjellybean · 16/04/2018 17:36

I fully intend to tell my dp I need 'full assistance' tomorrow morning Wink

Greenyogagirl · 16/04/2018 17:37

Remind him you’re his wife not his pa

junebirthdaygirl · 16/04/2018 17:38

Haven't read the whole thread but l thought( with my clean mind) that your poor dh was disabled and needed help to get in and out of bed ..his wheelchair etc. I thought you were his caer. Well you are in a way.

NamelessNinja · 16/04/2018 17:39

He needs to get a grip and realise you are his wife not his PA and that he is an adult not a child.
Working in health care I honestly thought this was going to be him requiring 'full assistance' with his personal care. As in he was unable to wash and dress himself. himself.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 17:40

I think the only reason I put up with it is because I've been with him through all the ups and downs over the years and I know what he's like underneath it all. But still it's no excuse. I would say he is a very honest person. I don't thinks he's ever lied to anyone about anything. We've always been very close in the physical side of the relationship. If he was with another woman, I would know. I've never had those kind of doubts which is something, I suppose! But the more bossy he is in the day, I don't feel like intimacy.

OP posts:
Ivorbig1 · 16/04/2018 17:40

This is madness, however I’m sorry to say it takes two to create this type of monster.
Ignore and remind him gently you are not his personal arse-istant and let him get on with it.
You have my sympathy and it’s hard to not conform when are used it or worry about the consequences. If he wants a high level of assistance he hires himself someone.

Ivorbig1 · 16/04/2018 17:41

Looking after your husband as if he were your grown up child can’t be very sexy. Yadnbu.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 17:45

Stop blaming @questi0n for being complicit in this abusive relationship. This man is responsible. When in a relationship with someone who you could dominate and control, the onus is on you not to do so!

HighwayDragon1 · 16/04/2018 17:45

You need to practice saying "no" in the mirror, it sounds silly but it will make it easier. No, no, no I'm not doing that, no, you're an adult, no I'm not your mum, no. Repeat.

DH woke me once at around 6am, to tell me he had no clean boxers and ask me why I hadn't washed them. Once. Boy did he get both barrels.

You need to find a strength from somewhere OP, and for the shit to hit the fan.

Do you have daughters? Would you be happy for this to be their lives? Because this is the first relationship they see, third is their 'normal' this is how men test women. Not anymore.