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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 16/04/2018 16:38

Definitely speak to him tonight like you said you will - please stay strong and put your points across. Don't let him walk all over you or try to stop you saying your piece. Doubt he'd want to lose you because he'd never find anyone to take your place - good luck OP Flowers

Mitzimaybe · 16/04/2018 16:44

OP, the penny is dropping. Three motor racing holidays for him but he can't manage one family holiday of less than a week? Yep, another example of his selfishness. More will come to mind. Write them down (doesn't have to be here on a public forum, you could do it privately if you want.) Make a list, so you can re-read it when you doubt yourself.

I know it's a lot to take in all at once, so take your time, OP. Only you can decide how much you are prepared to put up with, but you can see that no one else thinks your current situation is in any way acceptable.

You might decide that you are still prepared to baby him by getting his stuff ready for him (or, like most people on here, you might not. But that's up to you.) But you shouldn't accept being spoken to the way he does, or shouted at for not predicting that he was going to cycle today when he hadn't mentioned it.

You shouldn't accept that he has time for whatever holidays, hobbies and social events he wants to do with his friends, but no time for family activities, and there is no equivalent time off for you to pursue your own interests.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 16:45

I couldn't go on strike because it's not fair in the kids. Otherwise I would. He has never had to get the kids up and out for school and when I have gone out in the evenings during the week, they're generally up in their rooms awake when I get in.

Yes I should be more selfish probably. He did say to name a few weeks ago that one if the things he loved about me the most is that I'm a "selfless" person and he sees this as a real strength in women. He made it sound like a compliment!

I am going to tell him that in these recent weeks I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells and it feels like bullying at times and if he wants to flip out about that, then so be it because that's how I feel.

OP posts:
ToothTrauma · 16/04/2018 16:46

It sounds like you could really benefit from marriage counselling. If he won’t come then you should get some counselling on your own to give you tools to deal with him. A friend of mine did this, and eventually her husband did decide to do counselling with her as well, and things have started to improve.

You’re not his secretary or housekeeper. You’re his wife. He needs to start acting like it.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 16/04/2018 16:49

How telling that he sees selflessness as "a real strength in WOMEN"! Because in his view they are just accessories in the important lives of men....

SilverySurfer · 16/04/2018 16:53

How very fortunate he doesn't see selflessness as a real strength in men as he would have utterly failed in every respect.

Bahhhhhumbug · 16/04/2018 16:56

My 'D'bil is like this with my sister and similar circs. She gave up work look after three dcs (she works now they're all teens) whilst he climbed the greasy pole and was eventually in charge of a lot of people and going on business trips and important meetings etc.
He too kept up the 'business speak' outside work such as 'I need you on board fully with this' when doing a few family chores and 'keep me in the loop' about what's for tea and so on. He tried it with me a few times over our dad's funeral and got very short shrift as in wrong sister you're dealing with mate and he toned it right down. But my DSis has become so cowed by it all over the years she just takes it but is better at standing up to him now she's back at work and more confident.
Thing is he's not a bad bloke and can be charming when you put him in his place and is a good provider etc.
My DH to a lesser degree used to do this occasionally as he is in the building trade and used to be a contracts manager. So all day he'd be chasing electricians plumbers etc up and everyone moaning blaming every other trade etc so highly pressurised and he'd occasionally still have his 'dont take prisoners ' head on when he came home.
A quick reminder that he was no longer on the building site did the trick after a couple of times. We laugh about it now.

coconuttella · 16/04/2018 16:58

I couldn't go on strike because it's not fair in the kids.

You can still do what you need to for the kids whilst containing your strike to him.

Doublemint · 16/04/2018 17:00

I am utterly agog at this thread. You poor poor woman he's done a right number on you.

Go on strike. Your kids will remember it at respect you for it- I remember when my mum did it it's a thing of family legend now.

Go out on Thursday.

Quartz2208 · 16/04/2018 17:00

You can go on strike in relation to some of the things that as an adult he can do himself.

He can get it all organised - he has taken the piss so much and you have let him

MonkeyPoke · 16/04/2018 17:01

God I thought this was going to be a post about a medically incapacitated husband whose health was deteriorating.

Anyway, back to the topic in hand. He sounds less capable than my three year old.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 17:01

You don't have to go on "strike" but start to reduce what you do for him, and make it clear that it's going to continue. So maybe start with not being responsible for waking him up, tell him he's responsible for himself and go from there. Small steps, if it helps.

Trinity66 · 16/04/2018 17:03

He did say to name a few weeks ago that one if the things he loved about me the most is that I'm a "selfless" person and he sees this as a real strength in women

What a load of sexist drivel. Translation : I see women as beneath me and basically prefer when they know their place-serving me and my needs

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 17:07

Silvery, I know it's ridiculous.
Bahhh - yes all those type of phrases, that's exactly it -
"I need you on board fully with this"
"I need your primary objective today to be.."
"Can you get to the conclusion of this?"
"Are you clear as to the logistics?"
"Are you on task with this?"

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 16/04/2018 17:07

He sounds more and more like my friend's dickhead husband. He thinks women should be wives and mothers, which equals martyrs in his mind. He was on and on at my friend to give up work after they had kids, and gave her zero help in finding childcare, until she finally caved and gave up a job she loved. He does stuff with the kids and does stuff around the house, but only if it doesn't inconvenience him in any way. Work absolutely comes first and she has to pick up the slack as required and is not allowed to have any opinion about that. He's an utter wanker

Have your say tonight OP - you have every right to feel the way you do. It remains to be seen whether he will be able to hear you and respond in a supportive way

Quartz2208 · 16/04/2018 17:08

You wake him up make him breakfast - stop that

stop sacrificing yourself to him. you are not a person in this relationship at all he cant possibly love you as a human being

MorelloKisses · 16/04/2018 17:09

I’m a senior in a City job and work with me. Like this- senior people with lots of responsibility but couldn’t/wouldn’t make a fucking sandwich.

Professionally they drive me crazy- I have no respect for these men. I can’t imagine how it must be to live with.

StillMissV · 16/04/2018 17:10

I think there's a possibility I'd die laughing if my husband asked me to do anything like this. There's two of us. We both get ourselves ready and share the burden of getting the toddler out on time.

Full assistance Grin

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/04/2018 17:11

OP you need an outside commitment. If you don’t have the confidence to find employment, try a volunteering role. Become a magistrate. Anything that breaks this pattern of being on call 24/7. It sounds like you have forgotten what it feels like to be valued and respected. You deserve better.

AmysTiara · 16/04/2018 17:14

Ok so half the posters thought this this was a funny sex tale and the other half thought it was about a disabled husband needing help.

No-one could possibly guess correctly that this man just requires help to get to work. What a cheeky twat.

Bumblefuddle · 16/04/2018 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M0RVEN · 16/04/2018 17:15

I don’t see the point of him really. He works all day and most evenings, then spends the weekends on his hobbies.

He bunks off from any family events you arrange. Or is ‘difficult’ and ‘tense ‘ .

I can’t imagine that a selfish man like him is any good in bed.

He’s not kind to you or good company.

You’re be better off divorcing him and having every other weekend to yourself. And one less child to pick up after.

Think how much free time you will have when you evenings aren’t cluttered up with thinking about and listening to his issues. You can concentrate on you and your children.

Gazelda · 16/04/2018 17:17

OP, how would you like your role within the family to ideally look? How does this differ from the role you currently fill?
You've facilitated his career progression, how can he facilitate your future? Not in terms of funding, but in terms of supporting you to study, work, learn hang gliding over a weekend, explore naturism, whatever ... I'll bet all of his salary that he wouldn't be as unquestionably supportive to you as you are to him.

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/04/2018 17:17

It sounds like you could really benefit from marriage counselling. If he won’t come then you should get some counselling on your own to give you tools to deal with him. A friend of mine did this, and eventually her husband did decide to do counselling with her as well, and things have started to improve.

I don#'t think that is a good idea. He sounds kinda emotionally abusive and I think the OP needs counselling on her own rather than with him.

GnotherGnu · 16/04/2018 17:18

You can at least go on strike when it comes to do stuff he's perfectly able to do himself. So that means no more waking him up or putting coffee into his hands, no more packing up his work bags for him and putting his stuff ready, no more catering for his guests. If you're going to cook for him, it's on condition that he helps with serving up and clearing; etc etc. Tell him it's for his own good, you're scared he will lose basic skills unless he starts doing more for himself, and you need him fully on board and on task.