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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
SpringNowPlease2018 · 16/04/2018 15:33

have you posted about him before? He complained that he could see dust on a door frame or something?

Apols if not you, but if it is you, then ....still need to get something done about him, it might be divorce.

theredjellybean · 16/04/2018 15:35

Just stop doing it...
When he or kids ask 'where's my xyz', you shrug and say 'I don't know' and carry on with what you are doing.
If they persist just ignore
Takes approx 2weeks max for them to get the message

TERFousBreakdown · 16/04/2018 15:37

Haven't RTFT, but surely child marriage is illegal?

He needs to grow up and learn how to deal with stuff like 'meetings'. Or find a job that comes with a PA (though mine would tell me to FO if I wanted my bag packed and she'd be right, too).

ToffeeUp · 16/04/2018 15:43

Dust on the door frame guy, that's the one I was thinking of, not the smoothie guy who whilst similar wasn't quite as disrespectful.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/04/2018 15:47

My DH works with a similar type of man. The company have a much higher turnover of staff in this man’s department and there’s an employment tribunal going on at the moment. He tells people off for not giving him detailed information then tells them he’s not interested if they do. He can be heard shouting at people down the phone from another office. Luckily my DH is based in another department!

questiOn, could you get some counselling and some assertiveness training? It sounds like you’ve lost your own identity because you are married to a nasty, controlling man. I know you’ve said he can be nice but it’s always on his terms when it suits him. In a normal, healthy relationship people are respectful and kind to each other all the time.

frasier · 16/04/2018 15:48

Tell him you do your job and it's not your fault he can't do his.

What a baby.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 15:53

He often says things in a quite patronising way but I've tended to put it down to work stress and the fact he takes time to switch out of that mode. When he said he would require "full assistance," its not the first time he's said something like that, but it suddenly struck me as ridiculous because I would expect more from the kids. I am not making it up. This is actually how he talks to me on a fairly regular basis. Then this morning, I felt like he was being awkward on purpose. So even though he's done what he wants all weekend he's still in a volatile mood by Monday.
To be absolutely honest, I suspect if I had been working all these years our marriage wouldn't have survived and that is the truth because he couldn't cope with not being put first.

I do love him and I know he does love me. He tells me he does, but recently I've been feeling so worn out by his demands and mood swings, I feel detached and I never have before.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 16/04/2018 15:55

Sometimes he even has a way of holding his hand up when I'm talking to him as if to shush me
What are the circumstances though? Everyone is saying how rude it is (and in some situations it is) but if he's trying to concentrate on something and you start going on about something non-urgent then it's entirely feasible that he'd do the hand-signal equivalent of 'hang on a moment'. He's not actually telling you to be quiet, he's signalling that you need to hang on a mo. If you were in the middle of something that required your full concentration and he interrupted would you immediately stop and give him your full undivided attention or ask him in some fashion to hang on until it's more convenient?
I don't think he's bullying and controlling, I think he's got a very narrow focus, isn't good at seeing the bigger picture (which OP has said herself earlier), and has been enabled for so long that it's second nature to expect it.

Spaghettijumper · 16/04/2018 15:55

You know he does love you? How?

StormTreader · 16/04/2018 15:56

"The Demand Man - There's nothing wrong with being old-fashioned, but this type of abuser believes it's your job to take care of him, 24/7. You have no right to ask him to do anything, including cleaning up after himself - in fact, it may make him angry enough to verbally or physically assault you in retaliation. If he is unhappy about anything, it is clearly your fault."

At all familiar?

elisenbrunnen · 16/04/2018 15:57

OP - sometimes it really is something small that makes the scales fall from your eyes.

It sounds, from your posts, that you have 4 kids - and honestly, all of them (including DH) Should be sorting themselves out in the mornings! I have 3 boys and they got themselves up, and packed their own lunchboxes, from about age 8. (I refused to do it for them, as they wouldn't eat what I'd packed)

They can, and should, be doing more for themselves. You are not helping anyone by just doing it for them.

Sweetpea55 · 16/04/2018 15:57

If your putting out teenagers school uniforms then your not doing them any favours. They'll never grow into well rounded adults if you dont teach them life skills,including preparing for school.
An especially if they see you wiping DH 's bottom when he needs'full asistance'

Userchooser77 · 16/04/2018 16:08

@cantitbesimpler Spot on!!

allchangenochange · 16/04/2018 16:08

My DH asked me to pack his clothes for holidays a couple of times, I once forgot pants and once trousers, not on purpose but it did the trick.
He can be inclined to try and treat me like a home based PA but nowadays I just remind him I'm not a staff member of his and he backs off. I also keep the threat of insisting on going back to work real if I feel I am being treated like a skivvy and he knows I am not joking.

maggienolia · 16/04/2018 16:14

I thought that he was disabled and needed help with washing and dressing. Was just about to help with advice on personal care.

But I think the only personal care he needs is a kick up the rear aspect.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/04/2018 16:16

You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, if you haven't already. I found it really useful for me to crystallise what it was about my marriage that really bothered me and not be sidetracked by the endless petty and trivial problems that were distracting me from looking at the real problem of not being treated as an equal.

IAmMatty · 16/04/2018 16:16

@Theweasleytwins he is an utter cunt. I cannot believe you live that way. He tells you when you can feed your children? Are you fucking insane?

Korg · 16/04/2018 16:16

I thought you must be your dh’s carer, from the thread title. What a horrendous situation you are in. I am amazed that the teenagers need assistance in the morning, let alone an adult. But perhaps if you don’t have a job, that is simply what your dh thinks you are there for.

SilverySurfer · 16/04/2018 16:17

OP, ask yourself one question - are you happy to live the remainder of your life like this - where he places unreasonable demands on you, takes holidays and goes out but won't commit to going on holiday with the family or being home so you can go out once in a blue moon, you walking on eggshells so as not to upset him, your needs and wants being ignored, him only thinking of himself, him contributing nothing to your life except money? You say you love each other but sometimes love is not enough to make a relationship work.

You say you met him when you were very young, which made me wonder, if he is a lot older than you? Whatever his age is no excuse for his controlling and extremely selfish behaviour.

I wish you well when you speak with him tonight - good luck.

LittleLionMansMummy · 16/04/2018 16:21

recently I've been feeling so worn out by his demands and mood swings, I feel detached and I never have before.

Dsis got like this and is now working towards divorce. It took a massive health scare having lost a huge amount of weight due to stress and not taking care of herself before she realised he will never change and she cannot continue to run herself into the ground for him. She initially became detached before having a light bulb moment - but not before she experienced first hand just how inconsiderate and unsupportive he is.

Twickerhun · 16/04/2018 16:25

Your DH isn’t called Matthew is he?

December2018 · 16/04/2018 16:26

I would honestly go on strike if I were you
Feck the uniforms, feck everybody else specially the DH
And spend a little time on yourself for a change.... sounds like you need to live a little hun xxx

lottiegarbanzo · 16/04/2018 16:30

Do seek counselling for yourself OP. Nothing to lose (except some cash, which doesn't sound a problem) and you could find it really helpful.

ChristianGreysAnatomy · 16/04/2018 16:35

Dear OP, in absolutely the nicest possible way, I think you should get a job.

Lottapianos · 16/04/2018 16:36

Another recommendation for counselling for yourself. Taking a good hard look at your life and questioning stuff is much easier and more productive with professional support. I was in therapy for 7 years and it was the best money I have ever spent

And please make sure you go out on Thursday night, and organise caterers for the Friday dinner party