Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP Mr Pomposity!

Why are you putting out school uniform for teenagers? They can do that for themselves and get ready in time to walk/bus themselves to school. You are enabling another generation to behave in the same way as your DH. Take yourself away for a week and leave them to look after themselves.

@questi0n - I hope it goes well when you talk to him tonight. I would suggest thinking through the points you want to raise, and deciding which ones are most important to you so you can raise the most important ones first.

I would also suggest you sit down with the children, and tell them that they are going to have to start organising themselves and their stuff. As other posters have said, you need to teach them that it is NOT OK for one partner to treat another like this - and you also need to teach them the skills they will need, to live independently in the future.

By the time my three dses went off to university, they were all capable of cooking for themselves, doing laundry and ironing, planning their schedules and getting themselves organised, sewing on a button or taking up a hem, changing a lightbulb or a fuse - frankly, I would have thought I had failed as a parent if they couldn’t do these things.

I am not suggesting for a moment that I was perfect at this, from the word go - I had to learn about teaching independence too. When ds1 started at senior school, he went through a phase of forgetting stuff (homework, mainly) and ringing me and asking me to bring it to school - I was a SAHP and lived near the school, so it wasn’t much of a problem for me to do.

After the third or fourth time, when I met him at the school office to hand over the missing homework, the secretary came out and very sternly told him that I was NOT allowed to wander into the school willy nilly, and this must stop. As soon as he had scuttled off, she turned to me and said “I hope you weren’t upset by me saying that - you aren’t forbidden from coming into the school, but I am sure you have better things to do with your time than coming up here every time he forgets something - so I’d give you a reason to say no to him!” She was a star - and I realised that I needed to work a bit harder on teaching ds1to be independent.

To be fair, her husband is also enabling this by not doing anything to change his children's lack of responsibility.

Might the "full assistance" request be of a sexual nature? That'd surprise him!!! 😬 .....otherwise the request if as dull & mundane as it probably is, sounds Dickensian. What an A Hole.

Hobbies that take up lots of time outside the home, when you have a consuming career and children, are something most loving parents put aside, then resume when they retire or the children mature.

I did post about a year ago about a DH related situation, but not this. This morning I expected people would say he's being a pain etc, but not this strength of reaction.
Obviously it's difficult to give the whole picture in a few comments. Thanks for all the comments. I'm feeling quite low today and some of it's a lot to take in.

"FFS what is wrong with all these women who put up with this kind of shit?!"

To all those who have posted similar, I understand the anger but it is really unhelpful. There is nothing wrong with women who "put up with" being abused. The diminishing and the control are often insidious - it is an incredibly powerful way of making a woman, particularly a SAHM who may lack external validation, feel gradually worthless.

On Day 1 of a relationship, this kind of behaviour would stand out as intolerable. On Day whatever, years down the line, lines are blurred and confusion has set in.

The fact that the OP is asking "is this normal?" is step 1 in her recovery and is a brave move.

If you have never had to "put up with this shit", or you have had the support early enough to call it quickly, then you are lucky. Nothing else, not stronger or more assertive or braver. Just lucky.

There is nothing wrong with the OP - even if she has posted similar before - quite the opposite. There's plenty wrong with her partner, though.

@cantitbesimpler spot on.

@questi0n there's a lot to think about, but each day when the children are at school take some time to think about what you want and what you might want to start doing to change things for yourself.

OP you've had this strength of reaction because people are rightly flabbergasted at your husband's obnoxious behaviour. No right minded person would think this is OK, would they?

You don't have to give the full picture, it's up to you. What you've said is clear enough. I'm sure it is a lot to take in of course you're feeling low - but your husband, the man who should be "for" you in life, is the cause of it.

Maybe just look at the comments from people who've been through same thing, and how they resolved it. As a start.

The fact that the OP is asking "is this normal?" is step 1 in her recovery and is a brave move.

Yes, and well done OP.

In some ways I think it's more important to set boundaries for your DCs as they have long and full lives and relationships ahead of them.
It may be too late for your DH.

Am really sorry but he’s a poor excuse for a DH and an even worse father.

Am really sorry but he’s a poor excuse for a DH and an even worse father.

You will all do better without him, he is too selfish to benefit any of your lives.

Who is raising these entitled, selfish men? I can just imagine my MILs reaction if my DH tried just a fraction of what i have read today. She would be so ashamed. As would I if my son ended up behaving like this when hes older.

You need to make it clear that they way he treats you is unacceptable - not just for your sake but for your children. If you have sons they need to know this is no way to behave and if you have daughters you need to teach them not to put up with this sort of behavior.

If you have never had to "put up with this shit", or you have had the support early enough to call it quickly, then you are lucky. Nothing else, not stronger or more assertive or braver. Just lucky.

True.

Abuse is so common that lots of us have experienced it in some form or other. & at least got out the other side and are here to tell the tale..which is something good to come out of it all eventually. It's an aim.

OP have you considered going back to work. If DH earns well you can choose something you enjoy or are passionate about. Building an identity outside of the family might help the way you feel about yourself and give you more confidence to set boundaries. Added bonus, you'll be less available to fulfill the demands of DH and DCs and they'll have to be more self sufficient.

"Who is raising these entitled, selfish men?" - entitled selfish fathers, perhaps?

Wow! He has you trained. If my husband said this I would think he was apologies for not being able to help with the kids not that he wanted me to do stuff for him. I don’t make his lunch or find his shoes or iron his shirt- he’s a grown up!!

I second, that my mother in law brought up her son to do the same as her daughters. So he never had an expectation that he wouldn’t do stuff as a dad, even though his own dad is useless. So it’s possible to break the cycle.

OP, you don’t just sound low, you sound exhausted and I am so sorry to read your posts.

Tomorrow morning your new life starts when you follow up on some of the excellent suggestions other posters have made.

Please go out on Thursday, book the babysitter today, get the DC to school on Thursday morning and then the rest of the day is for you. Haircuts, manicures, treats, treats, treats. Then go out and have fun in the evening. When you go home no doubt your DH will be frothing with rage but so what.

No - if my husband said that to me I would assume he meant he wouldn’t be free to help with the kids and i’d still be mildly pissed off. Nobody over the age of 8 receives any help in leaving our house in the mornings.

@assinated well it's often learnt behaviour.

Recognising something has to change is a beginning, continue with baby steps. Make your children responsible for their uniforms and bags and try organising a babysitter for Thursday (cut your h out of the equation)

Loand - sounds like we have similar MIL’s. DH and his sisters were treated the same and DH is a good cook (much better than me) and a hands on Dad. We both have full on careers and if we hadn’t worked as a team we would have really struggled, particularly when DT’s were small.