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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar · 16/04/2018 14:15

Thought he wanted a hand job.

He's a cunt though.

yerbutnobut · 16/04/2018 14:15

men that 'make' you do things for them that you wouldn't otherwise do if not asked, do not see you as their equal, and you are being a doormat in obliging, however each to their own. DH and I walk along side one another, not over one another.

fairislecable · 16/04/2018 14:16

I was a SAHM with 4 children under 5 DH had a stressful job with long hours and nights away.

To assist him I always used to pack his clothing for his overnight trips until he came home furious, I had not packed his swimming stuff and the hotel had spa and pool etc.

I pointed out that as I was so useless I would never ever pack for him again. He got the message and I have never packed for him 30 years on including holiday stuff.

Ljlsmum · 16/04/2018 14:17

Bloody hell OP “ full assistance”. Sounds like business speak to me. I’d have laughed and told him to organise his own work things.

Ickyockycocky · 16/04/2018 14:18

but there is a level I'm probably scared to push against with him, yes

On top of everything else you've posted, this is a massive red flag. You're clearly living in an abusive marriage. Abuse presents itself in different ways but that doesn't mean it isn't abuse.

Wake up OP, your life with this man is shite.

blackteasplease · 16/04/2018 14:21

That is some level of incredible about the.towels and clothes!

BitchQueen90 · 16/04/2018 14:24

It's weird. People always feel "sorry" for me because I'm long term single but I feel beyond lucky when I read threads like these. It makes me sad.

Anyone who is putting up with crap like this - you deserve so much more.

LittleLionMansMummy · 16/04/2018 14:24

You say you think he is addicted to work rather than abusive. He is both, op, and I hope you are beginning to see that from the multitude of replies here, all of them saying to varying degrees that he's an abusive prick.

G5000 · 16/04/2018 14:25

I have a fucking high flying stressful job with plenty of international business travel. Amazingly, I manage get myself dressed and my bags packed, AND get the kids (4 and under) dressed. In clothes I bought and laundered.
Why are there so many men who need to be waited on hand and foot because they are sooooo busy and important they can't possibly find their own socks?

LiteraryDevil · 16/04/2018 14:27

FFS what is wrong with all these women who put up with this kind of shit?! It's already been pointed out the OP has posted similar before and appears not to take the advice offered. Hundreds of comments later and I'd bet my bottom dollar nothing changes and in a few weeks there'll be another similar post. What do you want OP??
I get that some women are in difficult situations and leaving is not easy but there's help out there to leave difficult domestic situations and women who are in violent relationships leave successfully so why can't others?
As mothers we are responsible (as are fathers) to raise our children to have respect for ourselves and others and to have good self esteem. What are women who stay in these situations showing their kids? Where is your self respect?

I have every sympathy for women who get into relationships and then the man shows his true colours and they don't know what to do. But when the woman has been told time and time again that her partner or husband is abusive and controlling and that she needs to leave then I've no sympathy for those who choose to stay and frequently complain about their situation. Every one advises counselling for these women to enable them to be assertive but I'm not seeing any evidence they take this advice.

OP I hope you finally take all this advice that people are giving you and find your self respect and do something about your situation.

BlueUggs · 16/04/2018 14:29

Remind him he's a grown up and that you're not going to help him. Then don't help him!!

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 14:33

Don't do a dinner party for him on Friday. I wouldn't even organise catering etc and do it that way. If he wants a dinner party he can organise caterers and host it, or cook himself (unlikely, I imagine).

It is telling that he went on 3 holidays for himself and couldn't make your family holiday. He obviously doesn't think that the children are worth any of his time, which is incredibly sad.

Serin · 16/04/2018 14:33

As he already employs hundreds of people he needs to employ one more, a nanny (for him).

TurningWood · 16/04/2018 14:39

I did.

He is now my XH.

He had a lovely turn of phrase, “why have a dog and bark yourself?”

I was a SAHM and sucked it up for far longer than I should have. Lost any respect I had for him and saw him as a man-child. A deeply unattractive quality in someone you are meant to consider your lover.

If DP tried that shit he’d be told to fuck right off.

Nothing as unattractive as an immature man who thinks putting others down raises him up, these men don't know what love is and are the biggest losers of all that is good in this world, as a result.

Ellie56 · 16/04/2018 14:40

Sometimes he even has a way of holding his hand up when I'm talking to him as if to shush me. Shock

I would not be putting up with this shit. You shouldn't either. Who the hell does he think you are?

feelingfree17 · 16/04/2018 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 16/04/2018 14:45

It sounds like your life runs along as long as you never voice your opinions about what you might like for your life and are there to support and service him completely.

  • he doesn’t let you go out with your friends but goes off without consulting you for his hobbies.
  • he can take holidays but can’t spare time for a holiday for you
  • he won’t let you speak and raises his hand to silence you
  • when you try and voice a discontent he warns you it is not the time

What does his warning mean? It sounds like a threat.

All of this is really really not good. He treats you like a servant, not a partner.

Saltcrust · 16/04/2018 14:45

Yes, the hobbies thing is the red flag I'm afraid op.

Some of this thread has given me pause for serious thought, because my dh's job never stops, phone calls just as dinner is being served, calls at weekends, calls in the middle of the night sometimes, business trips with less than a couple of hrs notice etc. And he enjoys springing "surprise trips" on me which I hate.
It's v stressful sometimes and I've had to really fight to maintain my place in all of it as he can be (very benignly) controlling sometimes but when I call him on it, he says he is controlled by his job too (which is actually fair without giving away more detail).

But when he is not working he spends all of the rest of his time with us. He doesn't have time to play golf any more but comes out on dog walks with us when he can or drives our teen to activities etc (even if he has to make calls when there) or adapts things so he works from home occasionally or comes home for lunch every so often so we can have some time alone. It's not often but it does help.

But the hobbies thing is a choice. Your dh is choosing to spend long periods of time with his mates instead of you and the DC. Does he ever adapt his schedule to fit around you or the dc?? Or is it always the other way around? If he is the boss he should have a fair degree of adaptability surely? What would his reaction be if you suggested any of the things above?

TheWeasleytwins I think I would pull down the duvet and drop sopping wet towels on your dh from a great height. That would presumably wake him up?

Situp · 16/04/2018 14:46

OP I think you have killed my husband.

I just read him your OP and he appears to have died laughing Grin

Seriously though, he is a knob.

Elementtree · 16/04/2018 14:46

I haven't trawled through 23 pages so idk if someone has already said this but I read the op title thinking he was suggesting he'd need "sorting out" to get up in the morning, and I was outraged before I even clicked.

This seems tamer but almost the same level of cheeky fuckery.

MistressDeeCee · 16/04/2018 14:49

Black American interesting & insightful post.

TurningWood · 16/04/2018 14:51

OP once you become rebellious to a man like that they get worse. I wish I had left when he pushed me too far. He asked me to get up at 5.30am each day to make him a pot of coffee and hot breakfast ready for 6am amongst other things. I said I wanted a divorce, he pretended to be nice for a while, then would threaten me I wouldn't find anyone as good as him again. I have stayed single since. I don't hate men, I simply don't trust them to treat me as an equal.

Saltcrust · 16/04/2018 14:52

Quite so G5000 this is precisely why we need more women directors, more women on boards etc , in all the higher echelons, to stamp out this ridiculous male behaviour.

findingmyfeet12 · 16/04/2018 14:54

I work part time and my dh leaves me a cup of tea beside my bed when he leaves in the morning.

OP he doesn't respect you at all and is an entirely selfish individual. As for people saying the op has allowed him to get like this, I don't accept that.

I don't berate my dh daily or try to modify his behaviour. Why hasn't he or countless other men become like the op's husband?

He's just a selfish, inconsiderate individual and you certainly haven't made him like that.

MistressDeeCee · 16/04/2018 14:56

Oh..just seen that you've posted before a couple of time OP. So I expect there'll be yet another thread in a few weeks time.

All good if you just want the occasional vent. But FFS - aren't you bored?! Dont you have any dreams, aspirations for yourself, as small or large as they may
be? Even if it's just to be at peace?

Who were you before you married this man...& became a grey shadow of a housekeeper? That's what you need to remember.

When this man grows older and no longer has work and other activities to occupy his mind and time, you've had it...