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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHippo · 16/04/2018 13:28

Its hard to explain

It's not, not at all. It's not even unusual. There are loads of men like him. They have it all their own way at work and at home and treat their wives like staff. They control their wives and their wives don't leave because they have stacks of cash and don't have to work. It's your choice. But be under no illusions but that he is deliberately controlling you to make his life easier. He might love you, but he doesn't respect you. How could he, when he respects people according to how much money they make and you make none?

Charley50 · 16/04/2018 13:28

@corlan - me too! Grin

Sparkletastic · 16/04/2018 13:29

Do you think he respects and appreciates you OP? Do you respect yourself after 16 years with him?

Saltcrust · 16/04/2018 13:30

Well fwiw I wouldn't call a 13 & 11 yr old "young adults" and the 13 yr old is only just teen, I wouldn't leave them alone at night with a 9 yr old.

I agree with Assassinatedbeauty, we need to be supporting the op not haranguing her.

I do sympathise op. I recognise the situation where you plan stuff to do and then your dh suddenly has to travel or work without much warning. It is difficult when he is the main earner, because you do feel that it is your job to facilitate everything else, but there is a balance!

Spaghettijumper · 16/04/2018 13:32

The shushing thing is just awful - how do you not tear his face off when he does that?? I can't imagine treating anybody with so much contempt.

DevilsDoorbell · 16/04/2018 13:32

Please listen to what people are saying questi0n

I’m sure if anyone (including me) has come across as having a go at you it’s try and make you see sense at how fucked up this is.

He holds his hand up as if to shush you? I am raging on your behalf. How fucking dare he. And that should be your reaction.

The trouble is,you’re the only one who can sort this. I know it’s good to get it all out and have a rant and rave, but in the long run that isn’t going to help you.

Your dh isn’t going to magically change. He isn’t going to think, ‘ooh that sounded a bit off, think I’ll apologise’ No, he’ll carry on, as he’s never been challenged before.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/04/2018 13:33

Is it really truly hard to find a babysitter?

Surely you message a bunch of your mates saying you need a babysitter for Thursday night, can they recommend anyone. That's what happens in my circle anyway and it seems to be a very effective way of finding a babysitter at short notice.

Mydoghatesthebath · 16/04/2018 13:34

I support the op but really kids of 13 and 11 can’t look after a 9 year old as the op goes out locally.

Bloody hell. My older two aged 11/12 were more then capable of looking after their 4 younger siblings including toddlers in bed asleep if I was local and contactable.

Anyway that’s the ops business and she knows her own children. Op he is so controlling on all levels even to taking you out and letting you have his attention. Flowers

DaffoDeffo · 16/04/2018 13:34

I went on a business trip recently where another colleague, who I had known for years, said he had a very urgent problem and could i help him

I met him downstairs and I said what's the matter

and he said every time I go away my wife packs for me and this is my first business trip and I am worried I won't be able to pack to come home as she normally does it for me

I promise you this isn't a wind up. Once I had finished laughing and he was still sat there look stony faced, I told him just to shove everything in the bag - if it fitted in on the way out, it will fit on the way back.

there really are men like this out there - she was a SAHM and 5 years later they ended up divorced and tbh I really wasn't surprised!

joystir59 · 16/04/2018 13:37

Gosh. Just gosh! How old is he?

Mitzimaybe · 16/04/2018 13:38

Is it fair that he can go out whenever and wherever he wants without even consulting you to see if it's convenient for you? But you can't go out even one evening because he won't confirm that he will be home to look after his own kids.

Is it fair that he spends all weekend on his hobbies and not on looking after his own kids?

OP, please take note of what everyone has said on this thread. Keep posting here. Write down the things he does - like the hand gesture to "shush" you - get them all down in writing. Then read it back. Little by little, you will see how unreasonable he is being.

It's not just the workaholic thing because he still has plenty of time for his hobbies, he just doesn't have any time for what YOU want. Yes he'll whisk you away somewhere wonderful from time to time - but it sounds like he doesn't consult you about that either. What happens if he suggests taking you somewhere and you say, seeing as he is free then, he can look after the kids while you go off and do something for yourself, maybe a spa day or something.

DairyisClosed · 16/04/2018 13:38

Just hire a nanny. Make sure you get one that is very experienced so that she will be better able to teach him basic self care.

theDudesmummy · 16/04/2018 13:42

I have not read the whole thread, just some of the beginning, about the morning routine. In my family the roles are reversed, I have important meetings etc every day, which I have to prepare for and present well at. My DH is the homemaker and carer. He does make me a cup of tea in the morning while I am doing my early morning emails etc, and he does make DS's breakfast (always toast as that is all he will eat, so very simple). But if I had to tell him to sort out my clothes and other things for work he would fall about laughing. I am not a child.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/04/2018 13:42

There was a spectacular thread on here about such a man, a few months ago. He'd broken his leg and was working at home. He somehow expected his DW to act as 'home PA' as well as general fetch-and-carrier. This culminated in him keeping her standing and waiting for five minutes, while he was on the phone, by holding up his hand to 'pause' her.

If you want to feel there are people inhabiting marginally worse versions of the same set-up, do read that.

WorldWideWanderer · 16/04/2018 13:42

Fortunately I don't have this problem with a husband any more because I don't have a husband any more.
I used to....have the problem, I mean. For years I even had to wake him up!! I used to get up, like the 'good little wife', make a cup of tea and dutifully leave it by his side of the bed as I woke him....it all went on from there including the 'making sure he didn't forget important things'.

The scales didn't fall from my eyes until I was in my 40s and filing for divorce. I explained he'd have to set his alarm clock like a grown man and make his own morning drink. He'd have to get used to it because once the divorce went through he'd be responsible for himself (for a change). I shall never forget how he said, quite seriously, "But how will I get up in the mornings?" !!!!

I wish I'd seen sense long before, but by then it was too late.....

KatherinaMinola · 16/04/2018 13:45

Another one worried that the thread title was a euphemism Grin

I think this is the way to carry on:

He often says things like this and I don't take much notice.

crimsonlake · 16/04/2018 13:46

Basically he is speaking to you like an employee.

mateysmum · 16/04/2018 13:46

OK so even when he's "lovely" it's on his terms - because he wants to take you somewhere to be nice to you. It's just another ego trip for him cos I bet you're super grateful and lap up the attention because that's all there is.
When does he really spend time with you as a family? Work all week, computer and calls at home then 1 to 1 1/2 days on his hobbies at the weekend. Does't sound like he's giving a lot to the partnership. Oh wait... that's your job.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/04/2018 13:47

I have a friend in City job with massive pay. He and wife are completely open that her job is "everything else". It seems to work because it is openly agreed and she will happily negotiate changes to the T&Cs of her "work" and he engages in those conversations. I know he packs his own bags as that would be a step too far. She is also free to hire help as needed, e.g. gardener, cleaner etc.

JessieMcJessie · 16/04/2018 13:48

You do realise OP that your husband is meant to be your friend, right? You don’t seem to have any expectations of him treating you like a friend. Friends don’t sit around hoping the other will deign to “take them out”, they make joint fun plans to spend time together.

MrsJayy · 16/04/2018 13:50

I wrongly assumed the kids were older sorry but I do think you should if you can organise a babysitter so you can go out to your friends on Thursday.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 13:53

Hi yes I'm seeing that things have to change - a lot. He has been a total nightmare recently and what upset me was that he didn't have time to come in holiday with us, but he's had had three car racing holidays in as many months. On one of them, his friend had an accident that could have been serious and he showed me the video and apparently couldn't work out why I might find that upsetting.

He does not have an alarm because he relies on me waking him up with a coffee. Then he may or may not want breakfast. This is how he carries on and I have been colluding with it. I'm going to talk to him tonight because I'm exhausted and I've had enough. He wants me to do a dinner party on Friday, but he will have no part in organising that either because he never thinks of anything like that.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 16/04/2018 13:55

He went on three car racing holidays but didn't come on holiday with his family?

OP this guy sounds a totally lost cause. Really I don't know how you stand him.

Sirzy · 16/04/2018 13:55

To an outsider the key thing is are you actually getting anything other than stress from this relationship?

I hope your talk goes well but I would make it a clear “x y and z need to change and I won’t be” don’t get into negotiations

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 16/04/2018 13:56

I regularly read mn thread were women happily do all the tasks for their dp and say it’s because despite his £££salary he cannot
Open correspondence
Shop for clothes
Buy toiletries
Organise or initiate any household task

I must emphasise in such posts the women always note their dp is well paid,top in field etc. They’ll usually reference the array of clubs,tutor etc their kids have .And they go on describe it as family tasks,wife work

So it’s not always clear cut consensus on mn about whom undertake the tasks op describe