Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

Is his name mr banks? Does he wear a bowler hat? Are you mrs banks? Where's Mary poppins and for goodness sake will no-one think of the children??

And FGS go out on Thursday. Plan it yourself, for yourself. Don't give him the power to stop you (why would you try to rely on someone who so clearly has other priorities and will let you down? That's just silly - or your way of saying you don't really want to go).

The more you use a babysitter, the easier it will become to arrange things with them.

People need to stop blaming questi0n for her husband's behaviour.

This house renovation project. You don’t work so presumably he is funding it all? Is it for a rental, or a holiday home, or are you working with a friend or something? My concern is that if you are project managing this, whatever it is, then he will indeed be seeing you as an employee and in that context it might be a little bit more legitimate to treat you as such. Easy however for the relationship to bleed into other areas of your life/marriage.

What worries me is that it sounds like you are breeding a new generation of mini DHs. Your OP is heavily focussed on how you have 3 kids to deal with in the morning, 3 kids to get out the door. You don't. You have one child and two secondary age young adults. I did nothing for my kids post year 6 other than make sure their drawers were full of clean clothes. They got themselves up, showered, dressed, breakfasted and off to school with no help from me or their father, except to borrow bus fare or lunch money if they hadn't made a lunchbox.
Even if your remaining child is in reception, they don't need any assistance except with tights or ties and having a lunchbox packed for them if appropriate.
You are an enabler and soon you will be living with 3 adults who can't do a thing for themselves and another teenager in training.

I teach my children the skills they need to be organised eg pack bag,leave clothes & shoes out
incrementally increasing in complexity according to chronological age
So an adult man doesn’t need your help he just needs to organise himself

Youre not his butler and aren’t responsible for getting his stuff together

My exh asked for my advice on his clothes during his weeks away. It was to make him more attractive to his now partner. There were times when I said to him to sort it out himself but I would go to bed with clothes laid out and had to give my opinion, despite being extremely tired - 6 year old autistic son and recovering from a 4 hour surgery.

Off topic. Why would a male with a healthy sex drive need assistance to masturbate?

If your kids are teenagers why do you need a babysitter? Let thr teens hold the fort.

Op you are over parenting and over ‘wifeing’ I get you I am similar but you need to back off. Be busy yourself! Get a hobby or a part time job.

OP, just get a babysitter for Thursday without waiting for your husband. I bet he manages to plan four days ahead at work, so there is no valid reason for not managing it at home.

I'm sure you're right that he works this way because he wants to, for his ego and sense of personal satisfaction, with providing for the family a benefit, not the motivation.

I read a very sharp observation on here once, about such men. Poster after poster was saying 'the SAHM enables him to work like this, he couldn't have the great career without you'. The insightful person pointed out that these men would work like this regardless. The SAHM doesn't enable that. They enable him have a family, alongside the career.

You're the one providing and providing for the family. He is being himself and enjoying it to the full, by the sounds of things. Do pull him up on that.

She doesn’t need a babysitter she has teenagers. Teenagers should not need babysitting for goodness sake

ur not alone.him needing/asking for stuff to be ironed.expecting really stuff to appear done.like his receipts.his shirts.expecting meal before he goes.all he wants is to get up breakie and go.and even then after all this will wake you asking where every dam thing is."any pants!socks,did you fill the petrol"etc etc.
its becomes the norm so now when you miss just one of these things you originally did for him he spouts off."ive so much to do you know.these meetings deadlineprojects on the go!your hear with the kids all day ive got to go on and get my work done so cant you just do this for me.
hmmmm its gets tiring real quick.

Thankyou MrsJack. Yes he does make me feel undermined and like I'm interrupting him. Sometimes he even has a way of holding his hand up when I'm talking to him as if to shush me. I know that sounds terrible when I write it, but he does really do that. Plus he's always on endless calls or doing some urgent thing in the computer, so in general I just leave him to it.

Then other times, he'll say let's go out to such and such, I really want to take you to this place or that place, etc. Then he goes into super-attentive mode and he's lovely.
Yes, the City Index is like a form of gambling. He even admits this.

OP

It sounds like your DH’s behaviour is making you very unhappy on a number of levels. It also sounds like you realise that he has s being disrespectful and selfish.

You do not have to put up with this, and if you don’t change things then this will just continue. Moreover, you will create this as a blueprint for your DCs and their relationship.

Some of the responses on here seem unhelpful and simplistic regarding how you tackle this. I suggest you look further online to think about your options for breaking this unhappy cycle. You might also benefit from counselling for your own benefit- perhaps to get some clarity on what you want, and your family dynamics. You may also want to try couples counselling, but that only works if your DH will participate. If you get things clearer for yourself first, then that may help you tackle this meaningfully with your DH.

In the interim, you may also want to consider saying no when DH treats you like a PA. But I am uncomfortable with people blaming you about this; it sounds to me like you want to change this but don’t know how.

Good luck OP x

Not a chance I'd accommodate this on a morning given the circumstances, DH would never demand this anyway.

Not read the whole thread as I'm too lazy.

You're husband is an idiot, obv.

'Then other times, he'll say let's go out to such and such, I really want to take you to this place or that '

He is SUCH a control freak! Everything is marvellous so long as it happens entirely on his terms. He reminds me of my friend's husband, who is also a He Who Provides type

I think it's really healthy and positive that you're starting to question all this OP.

I suppose I've never pushed him enough to know, but there is a level I'm probably scared to push against with him

It sounds like you don't really know him. I don't think you can know the true nature of a person until you see how they behave when you are not doing what they want you to do. You've moulded yourself around him for years - do you feel like you know yourself well?

My DH was like this, work and hobbies before everything. Then he retired and what do you know, it wS still him and his hobbies before everything!!
I think you need to get a life, so you aren’t always there making his life easy, sorting the DCs so he doesn’t need to. And once you aren’t always around smoothing his path see how your relationship changes. Will he step up, do more, take interest in your more varied life. Or get grouchy and critical and make your life harder. That will help you sort out your future.

I wouldn’t leave three those ages to their own devices unless I knew the eldest could and agreed to. Could you book a babysitter?

And I bet I'm not the only one who assumed 'full assistance' in the morning was something else

If DH ever ever held his hand up to me to shush me, his next action would be packing a bag.

As for the "full assistance", he's a wanker. Or not very bright.

Please go out on Thursday. Maybe consider getting a job.

I know it’s sound tricky to pick your time but you need to sit down and tell him he’s treating you like an employee. If he tries to shut you down, point out this is what he does when you try to talk to him. The ‘I’m warning you’ is downright sinister, tell him that too.

As others have said maybe suggest counselling. You need to get across to him that there is a problem here.

halfwitpicker Yes, I thought it was help with wanking. Still makes him a wanker