Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

You are basically asking him permission to go and see a friend.
Can you see how wrong that is?

I just don’t get it.
If my husband asked me for “full assistance” in this scenario I would ask him wtf is wrong with his hands, are they broken etc. He’d get the ‘hint’ in 2 second and it would end there.

I don’t understand why you got anything together for him.

A also don’t understand why you spend time listening to his work moans. Surely it can’t be that interesting. Instead of saying now is not the time just say “actually I’m not interested” and walk away. Who wants to listen to that twaddle.

As to demanding to be “kept fully informed”, then refusing to listen and demanding spreadsheets etc. Nope, stuff that. If he is too busy to give 15mins then that’s that, too bad so sad. You are completely in control, he is out of the loop.

I used to work in the city, DH still does.

I saw a lot of men with ‘very important jobs’ outsourcing home stuff to PAs, desk juniors and wives.

Is he in Private Equity /M&A/Hedge - similar? Sorry, big egos, can’t be seen to be out of the action, too busy (important) to do menial stuff. There is a very real ‘big dick’ culture in certain sectors. Attracts are a certain type I think.

Depends on how much you want to push back.

There are so many parallels with how my DH used to be. Not unkind, a pretty good boss as bosses go, but I didn't want to be his employee, I wanted to be his wife. He is very successful, his company kept growing even through the recession. All his partners and employees think he's great, they make sure to take care of all the details and background stuff so that he can do what he's best at. So he just naturally grew to expect that at home as well, and was quite critical and resentful that I was neither good enough at my job nor grateful enough for any small thing that he did 'for me'. He had very little time available for family time, it was all work or study for his doctorate. He spent a lot of time abroad.

Like you, I let it slide for ages, I thought things would get better when the DC were a bit older or after we had moved country or once he had finished his doctorate. Then one day I realised that it would never get better, it suited him to be the boss and everyone else in his life to be his assistant. Literally an epiphany, one single thought, a moment of clarity, that this would be the rest of my life.

It didn't suit me to leave him at the time, but I separated myself from him. I moved into another bedroom, I dealt with things that affected me or the DC but ignored his instructions/requests to do administrative things for him. I stopped working around him eg I didn't cook a separate meal I just left a cold plate of whatever the rest of us had eaten. His life was much more inconvenient and uncomfortable as a result.

He asked me to go to relationship counselling, so we went. I really think that he believed that he would tell the counsellor all the ways in which I was failing as a wife and that she would make me improve. He honestly didn't think he was doing anything wrong. He had a list of ways in which he wasn't wrong, eg "I don't hit her/shout at her/keep money from her". He kept saying that lots of other women would be very happy to be in my position. And I didn't argue against that, I just said that it wasn't for me, that he knew I wasn't the 'little woman' type when he married me and he had probably chosen badly. It would be for the best for him if we split and he found himself one of those other women who would be happy with him.

Long story short, we had lots and lots of counselling and he was shocked that I didn't love him and in fact found him unlovable compared to how he was when we got together (the first 12-15 years were great). He was desperate not to get divorced and changed himself back into something closer to the man he used to be. He is now adequately considerate of my opinion and my right to my own time, does loads more with the DC and around the house, will take the time to have a conversation and even jokes around a bit. I recently even started referring to him on MN as DH, having called him H for about five years.

haha im really sorry but i think thats hilarious. my husband also has important meetings, but he never asks for my help to get him ready. maybe he needs a "nanny"

Questi0n - one of the benefits ( in fact probably the only benefit) that his demanding work provides is lots of money. If you want to go out and a babysitter is needed, then pay for a babysitter. In fact as it's a faff, why not set up a recurring babysitter once a week so you can go out on a regular basis.

By gently requesting that could Mr Important possibly come back a bit early on Tuesday night - possibly with a bit of hand wringing- you're setting yourself up for failure, and I would suggest that your DH will make damn sure that he's back too late for you to go out to a) show you how busy and important he is and b) stop you having a life of your own.

Facilitate your own life and stop expecting your DH to do it - he clearly doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself.

This is hilarious. My 4yo doesn't require "full assistance".

What's hilarious about it Hundryhippo.

You find bullying controlling men hilarious? Hmm.

Honestly if my husband barked at me he required 'full assistance' I would say ok dear, I'll set your alarm 20 mins earlier so you have enough time to get yourself sorted after I had peed myself at 'full assistance' only if I was feeling generous though, my first answer might be F off.

He's an absolute cockwomble, obviously, but the OP is just as bad for pandering to his ridiculous demands.

What an absolute farce of a relationship.

OMG!! If he's like that at home, what the heck is he like to work for? Maybe you should get him a secretary to give him "full assistance" at home as well.

Sorry *Hungry not Hundry.

OP come hell or high water you will go out Thursday. This is step 1 for all of us who have invested in you. You will tell DH tonight, I've confirmed I'm out on Thursday, if you can't guarantee you'll be here I'll get a Nanny in till I get back.

Sure you can afford a proper babysitter.

The problem with 'investing' is it's not much different to say roulette. It is gambling as you don't know if the shares will go up or down. If he wants to truly invest, get him on something like ... ahh can't think of the name ... but basically you pledge money to projects and you get something in return.

It's more ethical as he's helping a start up and it's not for gain in any way. You see on the site projects that go crazy, maybe such projects he could get in touch and ask about buying a bit of equity. That way he can know that a project is popular and can be pretty much certain on a return.

Do you ever think him going away or having days out at weekends is cheeky? I'm guessing you're a SAHM, you say he could retire now if he wants, but he loves the buzz of it all. In the mean time silly things like you doing up the house he wants to know details. Does he give you minor details about everything he does?

Not only that it's another form of gas lighting, I've thought about it, last night you get everything ready, no doubt he knew you'd got it all ready, this morning he goes I'm cycling. You feel stupid, undervalued a whole host of emotions. He says if you're renovating I want to know, but when you let him know he downplays it to a spreadsheet, then it's what's this for. Wasted effort and again under mining you.

You ARE HIS WIFE NOT EMPLOYEE!

I can imagine most of your communication is like this. Whatever you have to say is irrelevant as he did something so much better/important. How does that make you feel? How would that make anyone feel?

OK hands up it may be trivial to what he's done / doing / achieved. But you are in a marriage that should be 50/50.

You feel rough, he takes the children out. About time he did something after his day out by himself. I bet you're eternally grateful, aka another ego boost.

Does he involve himself in the children's lives, or are they primarily your concern?

questi0n I am curious why it is this particular comment by your husband which has made you post on an internet forum. You have said that this statement,( which most of us find completely weird,) isn't unusual for him so I wonder what has happened to make you question it yourself?

You keep defending him yet something must be telling you his behaviour towards you isn't 'right' or is making you uneasy

To be honest, two of the DC are secondary age now, but he was exactly the same when they were in reception.

Of course he was.

You are the person who enables and empowers him to be such an utter twat,

But there is an imbalance there for sure because he goes all over the place at the drop of a hat and never has to wonder whether I'll be home.

Because YOU allow it to be this way ,

I told him I would like to go to an event on Thursday night which a friend is hosting and it's local. He kind of huffed and puffed and said he'll see what he can do to get home for 7. What he will do now is not confirm until the day.

Get a babysitter now and tell him you have done so and that you are out on Thursday from x o'clock. End of.

Go out Thursday. Lock it in- get a babysitter, or even better say I’m leavign at x, if you’re late the kids will be on their own till you get here- I’m sure they will be fine for a little while but please make an effort to get home, you’re their father after all.

You do realise that with your house renovation project, chances are he's going to leap in at the last minute, tell you you've done everything wrong and demand that you change it all (at great cost to your time, money and relationship with your contractors)?

I'd either do a plan with budget, email him that requesting comments by a fixed date, to suit you - the project manager. Or, if you don't think you need to go into that level of detailed planning to make it work, just tell him so and get on with it.

You could ask at the outset for any general advice he has to offer, nod and smile.

Do not give him a veto or final decision-making power. If he has this, then he needs to provide input as requested, when requested by you, to a reasonable timescale. No 'being too busy', going back on his earlier decisions, or leaving everything to the last minute.

If the kids are at 2ndry would they even need a sitter?

How long would they be "alone"?

Either way, make sure you go out on Thurs!

When I lived in London I had a once a month night out with other mums. I booked a baby sitter for it. The deal was that she would get paid whether or not DH came home before I needed to go out. DH was really pissed off with me about it. I didn't understand why at the time so I just ignored it, but when we were having counselling he explained that he always tried to get home for me to go out (and only managed it half the time, hence the babysitter on standby) and I was showing a lack of gratitude for his trying by expecting him not to make it. To him it was more important that he tried, and less important that I made it out for dinner.

Sorry. I thought I was going to read a post about how your DH is profoundly physically disabled. I would burst out laughing if my DH did this. He would be told he can use the assistance of his very own fair pair of hands.

Wow Black. I'm glad you got there. Thanks to everyone for their experiences and views. It's given me a kick I needed because to be honest, I've been feeling a bit worn down lately and kind of on edge and feeling like nothing I do is enough.

I think DH is addicted to his work and it's been easier for me to go along with it. Also, it's very much presented as he's doing all for me, to secure our financial future and ensure the DC are sorted etc. I think this is mainly true, but also he'd probably be exactly the same if we didn't exist. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I'm really not, but he doesn't do his work just for the money. I think he's an addictive personality, rather than an abusive person.

The DC are 13, 11 and 9.

Is this a joke?? The fact he employs hundreds of people is completely irrelevant to your relationship as EQUALS in a marriage. As someone else said, this is especially worrying as your children will think this is a normal way to be treated in a relationship and could very well end up being treated by/ treating their spouses the same way in their own adult relationships. I speak from experience. Tell him it's unacceptable and stop doing it immediately for the sake of your children and your own mental health. Tell him to learn how to use his alarm clock and grow up. Please.

Another one here that needs her mind taking out of the gutter... 😁 I thought it would be something else..
DH not quite so bad but can never find his phone, keys, belt whatever and charges about the house at 5:30 am looking for it all and waking the kids in the process. 😠