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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 16/04/2018 12:11

ASD is a bit of a red herring - because: how does he cope packing to come home if he has to go away?

If he really can't cope then you need to jointly give him coping strategies. I have one DC with ASD, and a husband with "traits". They both have ways of packing their bags (when DH goes away he has a packing checklist on the computer which he prints out). They have routine, and I see my role as making sure they have space and peace to sort themselves out in the morning.
There is also no way that I'd let them get away with speaking disrespectfully to me - (except if DC was in meltdown they would apologises asap afterwards). But a meltdown is very different from being disrespectful really - more like fearful screaming/crying - and is usually because something can't be found.

But if your DH can be out most of the time, and sort his sports equipment it doesn't sound as if he really needs your help - just that he feels entitled.

MistressDeeCee · 16/04/2018 12:11

Actually I agree with what Suki says. & he needs the grey rock and broken record techniques. Honestly...he's very skilled in making himself totally unappealing isn't he?

I hope you're thinking about the future years - those years that arrive far quicker than we think they will, OP - when your DCs have grown up and gone off to Uni, and/or have flown the nest permanently etc. & it's just you - and him. With his silly, petty demands and controlling tendencies drilling at your brain day in day out.

You'll be crying buckets and likely have pulled your hair out. Don't allow this to happen. He's not the Manager of your life and you've the right to a happy life.

LittleLionMansMummy · 16/04/2018 12:12

You are showing your sons it’s ok to treat women this way.

You are showing your daughters it’s ok to be treat this way.

This, 100%.

Op, you can't change his behaviour but you can change your own so that your dc will grow up with realistic expectations of healthy relationships, which is not that of parent/ child or employer/ employee. For me, that would mean leaving him if he cannot/ will not change. I accept that many women feel that is not an option, so please please consider changing your response to him.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 12:12

The other thing from last night is I told him I would like to go to an event on Thursday night which a friend is hosting and it's local. He kind of huffed and puffed and said he'll see what he can do to get home for 7. What he will do now is not confirm until the day. This makes it hard to plan anything and why I don't go out in the evenings hardly at all because it's hassle finding babysitters. I don't feel isolated because I see friends during the day, so in that sense, I'm not that bothered. But there is an imbalance there for sure because he goes all over the place at the drop of a hat and never has to wonder whether I'll be home.

OP posts:
Astrabees · 16/04/2018 12:12

Corlan and TSSDNCOP - yes! those were my thoughts too.
My DH also does lots of important things at work most days, but he tends to get up an hour before me, and go swimming on the way to work, he also used to walk our now deceased dog when we had him. Really all a man has to do is to assemble a fairly straightforward set of clothes and remember his phone etc. It would be more understandable if a high powered career wife wanted this assistance with all the complexity of dress, makeup hair etc. to think about as well.

JessieMcJessie · 16/04/2018 12:13

OP, you found the courage to tell him that you felt you were walking on eggshells around him. His response was to shut you down with a threat - “ I am warning you this is not a good time”. This is shocking behaviour and far from how a loving husband should behave. If one of your children came to either of you and said that had a concern about how they were being treated, would you consider it acceptable for the parent to shut them down with a threat? I am sure you would not.
You say you don’t know if you want to go back to work. It sounds like you have allowed yourself to get into an almost zombie like state of subservience. Snap out of it! Instead of laying out school uniform like a robot for kids who do not need to be mollycoddled, stop, focus and THINK about what you want from your life.

I’m also a bit perturbed about how little you seem to understand about your husband’s work. Could you explain to a stranger what he does, other than that it has to do with finance and markets? It’s in his interest to keep you dumb and ignorant so that you’ll swallow all his flannel about how terribly Busy and Important he is.

londonmummy1966 · 16/04/2018 12:13

You have my sympathy OP and you sound like someone I know and have often wondered how she manages - your surname doesn't begin with O does it?

I got fed up with my DH acting like the Chairman of ICI at home and read the riot act. He now deals with the dc in the morning and I get coffee n bed Grin

Flowers for you as I know it can be grim and sometimes you just need to vent on here.

5BlueHydrangea · 16/04/2018 12:14

My ex used to say quite regularly to me "I'm not actually very interested " when I tried to discuss things with him. How rude!! However, I can imagine your dh saying that to you...
Nasty way of dismissing someone's thoughts/opinions as clearly they are inferior..

MrsPepperpot79 · 16/04/2018 12:14

I thought my DP was old-fashioned, but this seems to be a reversion to the 50's - listen to his day but not him to you, wifey prepares everything for busy husband! So no, not normal by my standards!
Agree that with the house renovation, putting it is a spreadsheet probably is easiest (looks like work, he can read it whenever suits etc). As for the rest - a gradual (given you have been allowing this for so long) re-education is probably needed on why he can't organise his own belongings. Regarding his time away - perhaps inform him when you need a break - but with his I'd almost let it slide, as if it isn't actively bothering you, and in fact you find it easier with him out, then why try to "fix" it?
My DP doesn't require me to do anything for him in the mornings - but I do everything for the kids and don't let them mither him (except when I'm in the shower and the kids can bother him all they want then!)

ohfourfoxache · 16/04/2018 12:15

I’m gobsmacked that people like him exist tbh.

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 12:16

I think it's worth finding out about all the investments, because as you're married, he's investing family money. If something were to happen to him you would need to know what money is where and be able to access it if needs be. Equally, if you decide at some future point to divorce you would need to know the same. Plus, it's part of not seeing you as an equal - not discussing it with you isn't important because he doesn't value your opinion. I'd want to know what risk he's exposing the money to, at the very least.

Rockclimber12 · 16/04/2018 12:17

You've got your hands full in the morning with the children as it is.
Wondering does he have a PA/ EA at work who usually takes care of this sort of thing at work, and then simply expects the same at home?
Far from acceptable but I don't know anyone (male or female) whose partner has to prep for them in the morning like this.

DevilsDoorbell · 16/04/2018 12:17

So don’t let him have the control. Get a babysitter sorted today and go.

Stop allowing him to get away with it.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 16/04/2018 12:18

Why do you need a babysitter if your eldest two are at secondary school?

madeyemoodysmum · 16/04/2018 12:18

He is treating you as one of his employees

Occasionally my dh does this. Really winds me up I pull him Up on it now.

Serialweightwatcher · 16/04/2018 12:19

I may be totally wrong because we obviously only have your posts to go by, but it seems from things you've said that you don't challenge him when he says something dickish and therefore he thinks he can get away with it and it's become a habit. If someone said to me 'we're not going there right now - I'm warning you', I'd give them what for and I expect you just meekly go about your business for a quiet life. Unfortunately what that does is show him he can speak to you like that and you will keep walking on eggshells ... you need to confront him and tell him you don't want to be treated like you are being and if he is as kind and decent as you say he is, he will apologise and try to treat you as an equal

Saltcrust · 16/04/2018 12:20

Noooooo op! Bless you, but no! Do not say you would "like" to go out. Tell him you "are going out". Say nothing else. (Obviously book a baby-sitter but don't mention that unless he does.) I'm assuming money isn't an issue. Just go out. Don't involve him.

Clandestino · 16/04/2018 12:21

You need a valet for your DH.
He earns lot.
You have access to the bank account.
Tell him you hired a valet to take care of him as you already have three children to take care about.

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 16/04/2018 12:29

My partner needs a lot of assistance as he’s blind but he still microwaves the hot chocolate in the morning for the kids breakfasts and helps to get the oldest dressed ( she has ASD and is very slow without constant reminders). He does what he can as he should. We help each other out

ADishBestEatenCold · 16/04/2018 12:30

"But there is an imbalance there for sure because he goes all over the place at the drop of a hat and never has to wonder whether I'll be home."

We are all hearing you and responding, questi0n, but the real question is what you would like to do about all this and how you can be helped to bring that about.

MrsJayy · 16/04/2018 12:36

Why on earth do you need babysitters you have teenagers leave the eldest to mind the youngest till dad gets in

DalmatianSpring · 16/04/2018 12:37

He is treating you like staff because as he sees it, he is paying you. He is the breadwinner, so you of what he say. This is the kind of thing my ex did (hight of wankdom = started referring to himself as the Head of the Houseold) and directly contributed to me leaving him.

Trinity66 · 16/04/2018 12:38

He had a lovely turn of phrase, “why have a dog and bark yourself?”

Seriously? What a pig. I still can't understand how women end up marrying men like this though

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2018 12:38

How old are the DC OP?

StinkPickle · 16/04/2018 12:39

Hahah I’d laugh my arse off of my DH needed any “help” getting out the door.

Also why do you have 3 children to get ready are they not your DHs kids too?
Mum husband and I share getting our 3 off to school. He normally does breakfast and sets clothes out. I normally check they have their PE kit and reading books. We both chivvy for teeth and hair brushing. Team work.

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