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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2018 11:35

That's because you treat him with respect. He does not do the same for you does he OP?

HippyChickMama · 16/04/2018 11:35

Erm, no. Because dh is an adult and I actually have to leave the house an hour before him and the dc. I usually make packed lunches for both of us and one dc (dd is ks1 so gets free school meals) and get school uniforms ready the night before but only because I'm home from work first. Even ds who is 10 and has SEN is capable of getting himself ready for school and packing his own school bag. Tell him to grow up and sort his own stuff out, you didn't give birth to him. Hopefully your dc have not learned his behaviour and are aware that you aren't there to serve them.

Bekabeech · 16/04/2018 11:36

Why are you with him?

My Dh has a pretty high powered job, and has had ones which were worse (having to take phone calls in the middle of the night whilst on holiday type).
I never pack his bag. I sometimes iron his shirts - but didn't when the DC were small. If I'm up I might make him a sandwich. I also helped him sort out his travel to a conference today - but he couldn't drive which would have been the simplest as I have the car.
In the mornings he is usually out by the time the rest of us get up - occasionally he might ask about shoes, but not as if its my job to find them, just more have you seen.

You need to take your husband aside and talk to him about how you are not his mother, and at his age he should be able to do this for himself. If you daren't then maybe have a family meeting where everyone can discuss how they will get themselves ready in the mornings - everyone can sort out their own clothes the night before. It sounds like everyone is old enough to make their own sandwiches too.

And if you can't do this - then maybe you need to get out. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a wife being an unpaid servant. Even as a SAHM you are contributing by the domestic admin and care of children (and teens need a lot of care in my experience).

Notmorewashing · 16/04/2018 11:40

You are a mug, don’t facilitate

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 11:41

Maybe you should try telling him that now is not the time to tell you about his work? You're too busy thinking about your house renovating to deal with all his details.

ToffeeUp · 16/04/2018 11:45

A gilded cage is still a cage.

You are bottom of his list, he does not respect you. He won't change but you can. Start asserting yourself and take back control.

BrownTurkey · 16/04/2018 11:47

Wow wouldn't it be amazing to have a wife. Time to gently start prioritizing yourself and saying no to things you don't want to do.

In wifework she said she automatically started to do stuff for her husband she never used to do before after getting married. Even their sex life became less equal. My colleague is expecting his first child and the other day very satisfied said 'wow is this how family life is going to be' because his wife had sent his mum flowers from him for mother's Day. I said so are you going to do the same for her Mum? 'oh no, I would just get it wrong'. I wanted to bang my head against my desk. Such a lovely thing to do but such a trap so many of us keep finding ourselves in.

DevilsDoorbell · 16/04/2018 11:48

How would you feel if in 20 years time your dd comes to you and tell you about her life with her dh and it sounds exactly like yours? Would you think she was moaning unnecessarily or would you think your sil was a twat and how dare he!

I think you’re right, you have got into bad habits but what are you going to do about it?

And are you going to stop babying your children and doing everything for them? As it won’t be long before they start treating you like your dh does, as they see that he gets away with it, so why shouldn’t they.

Trinity66 · 16/04/2018 11:48

If you daren't then maybe have a family meeting where everyone can discuss how they will get themselves ready in the mornings

Honestly if she's afraid to actually just have a simple conversation with the man who is supposed to be her equal, her partner then something is very very wrong and for that alone she should be getting out of the relationship imo

starsandstuff · 16/04/2018 11:48

I must have a dirty mind because I thought 'full assistance' was going to mean something else entirely.

Me too Grin

I think you should tell him tonight you need "full assistance" in the morning and let him get the kids ready while you lie in bed.

Nikephorus · 16/04/2018 11:50

But isn’t it the case that autism/Aspergers differs from case to case? Just because it isn’t the case for one doesn’t mean it can’t be for another. I don’t think the poster meant to personally offend anyone
This ^^. I'm another with autism and while I'd be able to get myself out (I'd have everything planned to the nth degree) I might be saying that I needed help just because I needed the mental support. My dad, on the other hand, is probably on the spectrum and wouldn't get out the door without a struggle without my mum enabling him. How much of that is spectrum, how much her being controlling, and how much him being lazy....? But different people present in different ways.
OP's DH is quite possibly stressed out. And possibly trying to express that or ask for help. But OP has let him get used to having stuff done for him by running round after him. You can't change that overnight (without meltdowns). But you can use what I put on page 2 and steer him in the right direction every time until he gets used to doing it for himself. It's pointless just blaming DH because there have been 2 people in that situation for long enough.

DevilsDoorbell · 16/04/2018 11:51

Or how would you feel if your dil approaches you in 20 years time and says that your son treats her like your dh treats you now?

Because your children look to you and your dh for role models on how to behave in a relationship.

MummaGiles · 16/04/2018 11:51

Erm. What? Have only read the OP but this must be a joke. If he requires full assistance to get to work in the morning tell him to hire a carer, or a butler. Please stop pandering to his ridiculous behaviour.

sadie9 · 16/04/2018 11:56

You have created an environment where you give him priority, that's really all. This sentence is revealing of the set up in your mind currently. "If he thinks there is something I need, he'll sort it." If He Thinks there is something I need... So what you are saying is...he treats me really well in fact, because if he agrees with the thing I am hinting at, he'll sometimes buy it for me/allow me to buy it (without dismissing, creating an obstacle, questioning my judgement, ignoring, complaining about expense, my parenting skills, etc).

acornsandnuts · 16/04/2018 11:57

You are showing your sons it’s ok to treat women this way.

You are showing your daughters it’s ok to be treat this way.

Please stop

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 16/04/2018 11:58

He over- reacts and gets quite volatile, so I guess I just avoid it.

Which is exactly what he wants you to do and why he does it.
He is controlling you

He said, "Don't hit me with that now" and I think he said something like, "I'm warning you, this is not a good time."

So you can only talk about serious things that are important to you when he decrees you can - and that is never.
He is controlling you.

He goes out for much of the weekend, leaving you to do all the childcare.
He is controlling you.

He will do anything for you - as long as he can pay someone else to sort it. He won't do anything that actually requires some time or effort from him.
He is controlling you.

tl;dr - he is controlling you. And you're letting him.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 16/04/2018 12:01

Since work-speak seems to be what he reverts to when stressed and when he does he feels ok to address you in the same way he would an employee, you could consider mirroring this format. For example send an email with the changes you wish to make in bullet points written in a neutral work-like tone. In it suggest a day/time to have a discussion to clarify any points. Follow the same method with any update or input you need from him on project-managing the work being done on the house. I'm aware that sounds a bit strange but it's no stranger than the way you are living right now. When you try to discuss it in day-to-day conversation he shuts you down so it's about trying to find a way to be heard. You are not staff, not an underling (though if a manager spoke to me like that I'd also be addressing that pretty quickly too). You've learnt to self edit and walk on egg shells so as not to rock the boat. Please, stop facilitating this as you are worth more than that. It'll be tricky at first as he has no reason to want to change the 'full assistance' life that has been created for him but he'll learn. Oh, and plan a few days away solo or with a friend ( and don't be tempted to leave detailed lists to 'help' - he's an adult and a parent, he just doesn't sound like he's got a hang of the full job description yet.)

WazFlimFlam · 16/04/2018 12:01

I'm surprised how long it took people on this thread to point out this is abusive behaviour. What you have written is a much bigger deal than on some of the LTB threads.

Asking you to go beyond the call of duty (laying out all of his stuff the night before) and then changing the goal posts i.e. suddenly announcing actually I am cycling and need a bag packed, is classic, classic abusive behaviour.

He's behaving like a toxic boss in a nasty workplace ffs, and he is supposed to be your spouse!

The part you wrote about how he 'warned' you not to lay things on him now when you simply bought up his appalling behaviour is also awful.

You simply aren't allowed any needs and feelings are you OP?

BishopBrennansArse · 16/04/2018 12:02

Whilst I appreciate some autistics would have difficulty getting out I'm bored to death of people here using autism as an excuse for lazy tears who show no signs of it.

BishopBrennansArse · 16/04/2018 12:02

tears twats

MistressDeeCee · 16/04/2018 12:05

Well..I saw title & thought you meant he wanted a slow hand job in the mornings, to be honest.

"Full assistance..?" I just showed this post to OH and we're still cracking up laughing..cue loads of "& would you be requiring Full Assistance this morning, darling?" comments from me said in "something for the weekend sir? tone.

This could run and run.

The mental load, tho...how some men manage to find a wife I really don't know. They must be extremely good at hiding twattish tendencies..which means they've full awareness of their twattishness. Just tell your DH no, you won't be engaging as you've got more than enough to do, and he can think for himself. Then stonewall any future discussions on this complete nonsense.

GabsAlot · 16/04/2018 12:06

start saying something then

hes warning you? say youre warning me and?

your son has told him nto to speak to you like that so you know its not normal

happymummy12345 · 16/04/2018 12:06

I would tell my husband to do one if he said that to me. Our ds is 2 and a half so no school runs for us yet. But a grown man should be able to sort his own stuff out

ADishBestEatenCold · 16/04/2018 12:06

"He's not controlling about money and I have access to the bank account"

Good! So you can pay for some counselling? Start there.

I do have to admit, I am curious about this, though. "I have access to the bank account".

Do you by any chance mean that you have access to one bank account ... a joint one ... while he has one or more other bank accounts that you don't have have access to. (Just guessing, I'm sorry if that is a misjudgement).

romany4 · 16/04/2018 12:10

He's being ridiculous. Not your job to help him. Tell him to grow the fuck up!