Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

Right back to the genius who suggested autism I'm autistic. Whilst I'm shit at multitasking I can generally get myself out of the house in the mornings. My 14 year old does too, hell even the 9 year old with a bit of nagging. They're autistic too. The 13 year old needs help but has other issues.

Op, you really need to think long and hard about your home life. Even you must be realizing that things aren't right. Haven't been for a long time!
He sounds like a narcisist and although he doesn't hit you or shout, he is still using 'gaslighting' techniques to keep you in line and make you think that it's YOUR FAULT.
You and the kids need to go on a long holiday in the Summer without him. Let him stew.
Maybe he will learn.
Read this (if you dare)

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist

Do you want to be reading a similar post in 20 years time & think, that sounds familiar?

I’d been going out about a year with DH. We went to a big wedding in Italy. He’d forgotten to pack shoes suitable for wearing with a suit, he asked why I hadn’t reminded him.

I told him that wasn’t my job and that we are each responsible for our own stuff. He’s never asked again. Once you give them an inch with this stuff you will be doing it forever.

In all seriousness this is such weird/demanding/entitled behaviour , l am wondering if your DH has undiagnosed Aspergers or is on the Autistic spectrum.

Mrsmadevans I resent your comment very much. My son is autistic. He gets his own bag ready every morning and does not behave like an entitled twat.

I suggest you inform yourself before coming on here making ignorant comments.

OP, read everything you've written and imagine someone else had wrote it. Does it sound normal to you? What would you say if someone else had told you all this about their DH? He might not be the worst person in the world but demanding and expecting you to do everything for him is ridiculous. You're a SAHM to look after the children and the home, not him. He's a perfectly capable adult!

Wow you have perfected being the quiet, dutiful, meek little wife who does her dh's bidding to keep the peace.

Not very good role model for your dc though is it?

You are to blame. Your dh is just milking your subservience for all it's worth.

What an arrogant, selfish prat he sounds!

Good job he's married to you op as most women in this day and age require kind and thoughtful behaviour to stay married.

But isn’t it the case that autism/Aspergers differs from case to case? Just because it isn’t the case for one doesn’t mean it can’t be for another. I don’t think the poster meant to personally offend anyone

Nope. DH is also a company director, also cycles to work, but the difference is that he sorts his stuff out for himself. As does DS, who is 9! Ok, DS needs some prompting, but i’m hoping that he’ll be pretty independent by the time he’s 10an adult.

Because I agree it is extreme

I reckon bad pattern probably sums it up. A chat is required. Doesn’t stop it being annoying though.

I'd strongly suggest you start taking active steps to get a life for yourself, including going back to work if that is what you want. Think about what you really want to do and what would be required to achieve it, including any retraining or work experience, and start organising it. Then, when you're at college, pursuing your own interests, at work or whatever, tell him that that time is yours and you will not be available to give him full or any attention when he doesn't want to do what every other sensible adult male manages perfectly well for himself. You will find your own life becomes much more fulfilling and it will actually help him.

"I realise this obviously sounds crazy to a lot of people, but it is how it is and him saying he needs "full assistance" is quite normal, I'm ashamed to say. We've been married 16 years and I was quite young when I met him."

Ah! Have just read this ^ and then several more 'telling' phrases on subsequent posts.

Think I can now answer some of my own questions (from my earlier post) and apologise if that post was too sternly worded.

You are being controlled. (IMO). In fact, given your youth when you met him, perhaps you have been 'groomed' for compliance to that control.

You say you love your husband very much. I have no idea whether your future lies within this marriage, nor (I think) do you, but what I do think is that after 16 years of controlling and grooming, you are certainly going to need some professional help, to support you in deciding for yourself and following through on those decisions.

Do you have the financial independence to have some counselling? I think you might find it really helpful to talk this through with a professional. To have their guidance in taking back control of your own life.

So he sorts things he thinks you will need?

What happens if there's something you know you need- can you get it? Or is all of the household income his to control too?

I really thought this was going to be about him needing assistance to get himself and the three dc out the door as he did the drop off.

Do you want to be reading a similar post in 20 years time & think, that sounds familiar? - like I am. 30 years of this shit, almost exactly the same, using work to avoid family life, but in fact spending a lot of time in bed rather than cycling etc - the result was still the same. And yes, I am ashamed that I let this happen and I am partly to blame for enabling it, and yes my teenagers don't do much. I'm now mid 50s and trying to see how I can get out of this situation - its got to the point where my kids won't even sit in the same room as him.

I know what its like to want everything to be ok, and to convince yourself it is. I laughed long and loud at the sausage roll in the boots comment many pages ago, but really this isn't funny.

Full assistance? Alright sergeant dickhead.

@Magpiemagpie I thought the same thing!!!

For gods sake he thinks he is so important that he can't worry himself with getting organised and YOU are doing it more full you.

Fucking hell, OP, this is awful. Can't believe you're being treated like this.

Well, I'm reading "husband requiring full assistance" on the sidebar, and giggling
What a disappointment this turned out to be

For some reason I thought this would be a sex thread!

Anyway what a silly man. I found it helps to earn 10x your husband which I did as then they have to play to your tune. Money is power.

He's not controlling about money and I have access to the bank account and always did. I don't have to justify spending to him or anything like that. He invests money in all kinds of things which I'm not fully aware of, but it doesn't worry me.

I'm currently renovating a house and he says he wants to be "fully informed on the budget". Then when I try to discuss it with him, he says he has too many things on his mind or it's not the time - "put it in a spreadsheet", "do I need all these details", etc. So I feel as if I can't win and I feel shut down. Yet I listen to his work issues daily and I would never say "it's not the time."

The thing is you are encouraging his child-like behaviour by giving in to his wishes. He is a grown man and can get ready himself. Stop getting his things ready for him immediately and if he complains, tell him you don't have time or energy or want to look after 4 children and tell him he needs to get his kids' lunches ready from now on...that will shock him!

He has mistaken Wife for staff