Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

If he is actually controlling (abusive), rather than “just” an arse who is used to demanding his way, then talking to him won’t help. Would be better to talk to a BACP qualified counsellor, alone.

The current set up sends a terrible message to DC of both sexes. Not too late to change that. And it doesn’t sound like a great life.

It’s very sad that your child had to tell him off for how he speaks to you. And very sad that work took over your holiday. A holiday that was dictated by his timing anyway.

My DH worked in a high pressured environment and occasionally tried to talk to be as if I was his secretary. Having been a secretary I recognise it well! He has been told more than once that I don’t work for him as he couldn’t afford me. I do all the laundry and ironing and take things to the dry cleaners etc. But he does most of the cooking and is happy to do anything else around the house that needs doing.

He travels a lot for business. He might ask if he has shirts ironed. He packs himself the night before and has everything ready to just pick up. My 16 year old DS does the same.

Your problem is that you have gradually facilitiated his behaviour and sense of entitlement. He won’t change willingly. Why would he?

I would talk to him and tell him you are not staff and don’t expect to be treated like that. Stop doing so much for him. And your teens. And make a point of telling your teens that they need to be self sufficient o as not to end up like their father. Tell them in front of him. Often.

And if my husband ‘warned’ me that now was not a good time I would have exploded.

He'd do anything for us - except be part of the family it seems.

I think you have three choices:

Live with it
Tell him to get his arse in gear
Kick him out

either way with teenage DC if you dont work you could be in a vulnerable position. Start changing that.

If this is how he treats you I would hate to be one of his employee's .

If I didn’t know better I’d think you were talking about my ex husband.
note the ex.

Does your sex life revolve around his needs as well? And have you normalised that too?

This is not a relationship. It’s slavery. It may be very lucrative slavery, but it will eat away at your soul.

The good news is that if you can gather the courage to tell him it’s not acceptable you will either give him a huge wake up call and he’ll change, or you’ll get divorced and end up with half the family assets and your freedom

Does he have a mental condition? Does he think that he's in 'assisted living?'
How on earth does he function at work? Do you ever leave the kids alone with him?!

OP, tell him you're going to have a chat with his friends, colleagues wives to ask for tips on how to give "full assistance" whilst sorting kids and home. You know, sort of tongue in cheek.

I'm not going to say LTB because you obviously love him and he loves you in his own way. But I can understand what you mean about the criticism. My dp is like this. He can criticise me and I can say 'yeah you are right' or 'no sorry still don't agree with you' and that's that.

However if I criticise him it's a huge deal, so it's easier not too. Also get you with the 'egg shells'. If I'm in a bad mood I'll say. If I'm upset I'll say. If I'm worried I'll say. However he won't. So if something's worrying him for example, we all walk on eggshells until he voices it, because before then it's 'no I'm fine' from him. He's always been the same and I've tried to change him, but have failed. However he's ace the rest of the time.

Going back to full assistance though- that's a whole different level of support he's wanting.

You need to sit him down and state clearly 'you are an adult. You sort your own things for work, hobbies etc. Do them the night before whilst I do the childrens. From now on this is your responsibility'.

Why are you getting your dc's uniform ready???????

My youngest ds is 12 and sorts out his own, including his own laundry as do all my dcs and dh. Not only this but he makes me a cup of tea and all my dcs and dh know how to cook and help clean and tidy the house as we are a team!

We all have stressful full time jobs/studies and family life and our beautiful home needs to be a peaceful, happy sanctuary for us all, which it is!!

My job as a mother is to help create INDEPENDENT, THOUGHTFUL AND KIND young people for the society we live in and hopefully they will turn into respectful, kind and thoughtful workers, partners and parents.

For that mothers and wives need kind, caring, thoughtful partners to help achieve family harmony and peace!

Your family life doesn't sound happy or peaceful with your dh or their dad in it.

Just loving the question has he a book bag?

Full assistance = £

It’s a concierge service, surely? Which if he requires should be pre booked, invoiced and paid for in advance

If he’s going to treat you and talk to you like a hotel service, he should be charged accordingly

I’d type up a tick list (like you get for room service ) of his requirements, get him to complete it. Provide a quote and then invoice with your BACs details

I’d suggest for the minimal “full assistance” he’d be looking at £25 per day. Plus VAT if you register yourself.

He doesn't do the silent treatment either. It's hard to explain.

My DH can do an atmosphere - often when he's begrudgingly doing something or anything to do with my family. Often if I say something I made out to be the unreasonable one.

It's hard to say what he does but it stuck all the joy out of the event. It’s not a common behaviour but it happens.

I can find myself trilling along like an idiot trying to get him on-board but ignoring the behaviour or having a blazing row work better.

OP

It's time to stop catering to him this way.
Say no.
Keep saying no.
Stop doing this stuff.
And show your children that a partnership of adults doesn't consist of women being held responsible for men's drudgery.
I don't lay out uniform for my children aged 8 and 10, don't pack their school bags, and rarely get them up in the morning either.
My 10 year old happily will make her own packed lunch when she needs one.

Your husband is less independent than my children, presumably because abdicating personal responsibility for mundane tasks to someone deemed lower status feels lovely.

Start holding him to the same standard I hold my year three child.

"Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door"

What was he doing while you were doing all this?

"I get the kids' uniforms etc organised the night before and get them to pack their bags. They are in three different schools."

I thought two of your children were in secondary school? Why aren't they getting their own uniforms organised the night before? Why isn't the youngest helping with that?

Did you have a hand in creating these situations or are you being controlled by your husband?

I'm not sure what to say really because in many ways Im very happy with my life and I don't want to sound like I'm moaning because I have nothing to moan about really.

Recently I have become aware of a couple of things. I do love my husband very much and I always have, but when he goes off on one of his bike rides or something, the atmosphere in the house is much more relaxed. It can almost feel like a relief at times and I feel horrible admitting that. Also, he generally talks about himself all the time and never once, since we got married, has he ever asked me if I have plans to return to work or would I like to go away with my friends on a trip. I'm not saying I have wanted to return to work or not, because I don't even know. But definitely he has never asked or raised the subject in any way and I think most couples probably have that discussion at some point.

He is very kind and generous in many ways. If he thinks there is something I need, he'll sort it. We never argue about money or the kids and there have been many times over the years when he's been so supportive. I think we have got into a bad pattern probably.

Gosh. There’s some harsh replies here!

He sounds stressed and in a tizzy. My husband gets a bit like this sometimes. I can tell it’s coming on because ridiculous cliched business talk creeps into our every day lives. I just remind him that he’s not at work now and that he doesn’t get to talk to me like I’m the admin support... it’s usually enough to shake him out of it. If he says he needs reminding about something, I’ll suggest he puts it on the family whiteboard which looks a bit like this:
DC1 swimming
DC2 homework
DC3 non uniform day
Me work
DH don’t forget work bag

We’re all busy. We all could probably be more organised. Some people deal with stress in odd ways (and some seem to resort to laughable language to express it).

Haven’t RTFT, but if my DH said this to me I’d tell him I need full assistance in getting the DC to school.

Good luck Question

I can so identify with the "everything will be ok after the next deal" and that time never arriving because there is always another one. (In our case terrible stress, not controlling behaviour.). My dh is usually very optimistic and upbeat but when he wasn't (he becomes distant when v stressed) I used to blame myself. Then I realised it was nothing to do with me and it was all about work. Then I thought, oh just for once it would be nice if it was about me ifyswim (plays tiny violin).

If he wants an executive personal assistant he can pay you the 40k a year (I think, dunno) they cost.

You need to schedule a meeting with him, with an agenda circulated in advance. Take notes, agree action points with timescales. Review and update regularly.

'Now' will never be a good time.

I shouldn't be laughing so much at your DH because this is your actual life.

I understand saying 'its a big day tomorrow can you sort the kids out without me and stick the kettle on'

Do not show him this thread !
Speak to a neutral third party on ypur own about how he treats you and how you walk on egg shells

Sorry, what I was trying to say was "I get it". Cries of ltb aren't helpful because the situation is more nuanced than that. But you definitely need to start effecting some changes. Don't ask permission, just do it, take back control

I judge you actually for pandering to this cockwomble.

My mum is like this with my dad. It is infuriating. Tell him to fuck off!

OP I think you don't question his hobbies as there's a part of you that feels there 'may' be more than hobbies. I feel that you look at life and think what if I were to lose it all, but seriously wouldn't you be just as happy living in a modest house with maintenance for your DC & yourself, than living in London, on a street where it's likely countless women put up with the same, in the name of a lifestyle.

If you were to look at your life you would like a DH that goes darling you're marvellous, everything is sorted. Thank you. I'm going by bike today so I'll grab a few things for my bag, I'm sorry I should have said. Then before he goes to work he kisses you and says goodbye to the DC's.

You want a DH who gets home from work after you've sorted tea, that says ooh that smells delicious, have you had a good day? Going to put my mobile on silent for some family time. Is there anything you want me to do?

OK that's a bit dreamy, but I bet whilst you were unwell Saturday you could have cursed the daft bike ride and all the time he gives to his hobbies.

I think I recall a similar thread from months back involving similar.

By all means vent on here, we are only going to tell you what you already know. Unless you want someone to say it's fabulous you do so much, but really DH & the older DC should be sorting themselves out. It's not fair on you?

Would you feel like you had no purpose? Your purpose is being happy and showing your children how to exist. How great would it be for the older children to pack their bags, to ask you to double check? How great would it be for your children to go Mum, how do you iron could you show me please?

If your children don't do chores that should change from today too.

Honestly you can get planners and planning stuff from Wilkinson's or any other shop. Do something for you.

Can I ask if you have full access to family money whenever you need it?

You don't need to do anything right now, but consider what you want to change and how you're going to achieve that. You can make changes to how the children look after themselves and gradually increase what's expected of them until you get to where they should be.

Perhaps you could choose a weekend to say to your husband that you're not going to behave like his skivvy from now on. Tell him that from Monday he needs to organise himself as you will not be. Then really try to stick to it and see how it goes.