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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
StormTreader · 16/04/2018 10:15

My "full assistance" would be a helpful foot in the small of the back to assist him out of bed in time to do everything for himself.

MrsKoala · 16/04/2018 10:15

Grin Emilia. poor Mr Koala! Wink

sadie9 · 16/04/2018 10:17

I think if you had therapy, you'd start seeing the attachment pattern that is going on. I am similar to you in that I am over-attached to significant others, so I pre-empt their feelings and then make everything ok for them. I deny my own feelings (without even knowing it) to pretend their way is what I want too.
I avoid conflict because a 'blazing row' would be unheard of for me, and would be the worst case scenario. Also because of the kids being here, I don't want to be arguing in front of them.
You are being controlled, but some of it is also your responsibility as you are feeding into the system by your own behaviour. However, you are not seeing it at the minute so you can't act on something you are not aware of...if you get me.
I came from a family where mother was ultra nice, but as also dismissive or minimising of anyone's problems. She also was very pre-occupied and seemed not that interested in us as people.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 16/04/2018 10:17

My DH is retired now but had a very busy working life and we also had 3 children. He would have been more likely to throw himself under a bus than ever say to me that he "required full assistance" just to get himself out in the morning.

ificouldwritealettertome · 16/04/2018 10:20

Pack him an absolutely prefect work bag with home roasted ham sandwiches and hand made shortbread and kiss him goodbye wearing a tea dress, pinny and heels. Then politely add as he walks through the door that you will need his full assistance in completing the divorce papers

BastardGoDarkly · 16/04/2018 10:22

What does he do in the evening whole you're hanging his suit up, and putting his shoes and keys by the door?

Fuck that op.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 16/04/2018 10:22

OP you sound a though you're desperately searching for the 'good' to say about him; the best thing I've seen you say so far is that he wouldn't hit you, as though that negates his endlessly unkind attitude. Your gauge of 'normal' is a bit skewed by his constant selfish, shitty behaviour (phrases like "I'm warning you" prove that he's dominating and threatening you because he doesn't see you as his equal in any way).

Only you can know how much you're willing to take. The Freedom Programme is a great place to re-learn what you're willing to accept in life and relationships.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 10:23

Thanks. I think a lot if it is probably my fault yes. I don't have much to compare to. I do need to talk to him. I just always think, "He'll be ok, when x deal goes through", but then it's the next thing. I have a great life in so many ways, but I think I've over-compensated for him and it's maybe not healthy for anyone. I wasn't expecting so many replies, thankyou.

OP posts:
ISeeTheLight · 16/04/2018 10:23

My father has a 1950s mindset (woman has to cook etc) and even he manages to get himself out of the door each day Hmm
Your DH is a dick. Rather than asking you for help HE should be the one helping you out with the children in the morning! FFS

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 16/04/2018 10:24

Tell him he’s not a bloody child and to sort it out himself.

feelingfree17 · 16/04/2018 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1473337123 · 16/04/2018 10:25

Wow even my 8 year olds get themselves ready in the morning and everything else is packed the night before. My husband is more than capable of getting himself ready and even does the kids' packed lunches before he goes to work!!

Lunde · 16/04/2018 10:25

I feel really sorry for your kids. They are growing up in a toxic atmosphere where everyone walks on eggshells around your manchild DH because he threatens "warns" anyone who challenges his position as King of the Universe. Your DS has even had the bravery to speak out about how your "D"H speaks to you. The kids know this is not normal.

But you are intent on making excuses to keep the peace and keep everyone on tiptoes the eggshells - instead of just saying that he needs to to sort his own stuff. He is never going to discuss it unless you push the issue as he knows he has you well trained so that you won't demand he behaves like an adult.

It is sad that you seem to have accepted this.

Sweetpea55 · 16/04/2018 10:26

What a pretentious tosser,
Why couldn't get it all ready himself,the evening prior.,?
Then he would have had his back pack ready for cycling instead of having a hissy flap.
Thankfully DH is a sensible considerate adult and I don't have to put up with any of this nonsense

Ellie56 · 16/04/2018 10:27

I also thought this was a wank thread ...turns out it's just a wanker thread! Grin Grin

79andnotout · 16/04/2018 10:32

I work in a male dominated industry and travel a lot for work. Most of my colleagues wives do this - packing bags, cleaning shoes, laundering, ironing, etc. It's part of running a household, apparently.

There's no bloody way I'd expect my boyfriend to pack my bags for me, ever, under any conditions!

GnotherGnu · 16/04/2018 10:34

As a matter of interest, has he coped when you've been ill/giving birth etc? Or aren't you allowed to be ill?

Goodfood1 · 16/04/2018 10:37

This was my ex-husband to a tee and yes I would and yes there was always something missing.......
oh how I love my new life and wonderful self-functioning partner who is always amazed by how much I'm happy to help him with

wellalrighty · 16/04/2018 10:39

He is treating you like hired help. You are the nanny, the housekeeper and PA rolled into one. He needs a wake up call. A wife is a friend, lover, partner - not an employee!

KatharinaRosalie · 16/04/2018 10:40

OP you haven't replied - what are you afraid of? What do you think will happen after he has 'warned you'?

And yes, stop doing all this for your teenaged kids and let them take some responsibility.

WeShouldBeFriends · 16/04/2018 10:41

I totally thought he was going to be asking for your full assistance to get the dcs ready before you leave the house. Himself?! Good Lord, my husband would NEVER say anything like that. Maybe a 'do you know where my phone is?' but he gets himself ready. He also helps me get 4dcs out the door every morning. You deserve better OP.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 16/04/2018 10:42

He sounds horrible OP - as does your life. It's not a great example for your children either. It's hard to make changes and to stop doing things that have become the norm but you're clearly not happy so what's the answer? You can either step up and make the changes or remain miserable. What do you think is the most preferable option? This is no way to live.

timeisnotaline · 16/04/2018 10:44

If he ‘warns you’ it’s not a good time you should warn him that he might discover being single if he can’t prioritise a serious discussion with his wife. Seriously you need a complete attitude shift - currently the only acceptable outcome on anybting in your marriage seems to be what suits your dh. It’s perfectly ok to have outcomes that suit you and if your dh doesn’t want to work around that he’s not a good husband or father.
FWIW my dh gets up early to clean the kitchen and iron his shirt And has left for work before we are up at 7.

PattiStanger · 16/04/2018 10:45

Unless I've missed it there isn't a single post in about 350 that doesn't say that your DH is a massive entitled bellend, please take this on board and realise that your situation is anything but normal, it's not fair on your DC to grow up thinking this is any way an acceptable way for an adult to behave

NWQM · 16/04/2018 10:46

Seriously the only thing that your husband needs 'full assistance' for is to get over himself. You need to have a word now whether it's a bad time for him or not.