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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
LittlePaintBox · 16/04/2018 10:04

Is he a time traveller from the 1930s?

mamahanji · 16/04/2018 10:04

You should suggest that he fully assist himself then. What a giant twat.

pigsDOfly · 16/04/2018 10:04

You say he never swears or gets aggressive with you OP, but as you never tell him no or challenge his unreasonable behaviour he doesn't have to does he? He's got you too well trained and compliant.

You've said you don't refuse to do as he tells you because he can be volatile. How do you know he wouldn't become aggressive if you took it further and actually refused to do as your told?

Stop making excuses for him.

EmiliaAirheart · 16/04/2018 10:04

Oh fuck, this is massively familiar. You’ve posted about him time and time before, haven’t you?

Every time, you get the same answers: that his behaviour isn’t normal or acceptable, that he’s a terrible role model for your children and that you deserve someone who you don’t have to pander to and accommodate like this.

And every time, same old story from you: he’s a good husband and dad; that you were young when you met him, that he’s just very intense... it’s the same old boring story.

What more do you want people to tell you OP, and which thread will it sink in? Is there a special number you’re shooting for?

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2018 10:04

What would he do if you said "no."?

Trinity66 · 16/04/2018 10:04

Why are you doing it for him, more fool you tbh

Angie169 · 16/04/2018 10:06

corlan you are not the only one that thought op would be giving full assistance in a completely different way !

MrsKoala · 16/04/2018 10:06

OP this could have been posted by me in a parallel universe as it sounds like the kind of ridiculous nonsense my dh may have said a few years ago if he thought he would get away with it. But he knows i would have laughed in his face. He defo knows better now. He can also occasionally slip into office twat lingo which implies i'm one of his subordinates. This is also robustly responded to by me. (he told me he was planning on 'reaching out' to me the other day Grin )

I do a few things which facilitate him/family life. I'll make his lunch when i'm doing the dc and leave it in the fridge. I put up a shelf in the vestibule which is for all his things like keys, wallet, passes, glasses etc as i was sick of him asking me if i'd seen them (now if he occasionally asks i say in mock surprise 'you mean someone has moved them from your shelf?' and he knows i am not going to waste any of my very busy morning looking for them (3dc 5,3 and 1). I bought him non iron shirts for birthday and xmas last year and wash them once a week and hang them in the laundry room straight from the tumble so they are good to go if he needs them. Clean clothes are folded and left on his office chair for him to put away.

Because of this he now has time in the morning to give the dc breakfast while i get dressed and changes and dresses the one year old, and twice a week does the school/nursery run.

I also would not tolerate the weekends self indulgent hobby/sports. We agree to 1 weekend day and one evening per month - which is still more than i get, but that's my fault for not planning stuff or having anything to do.

FASH84 · 16/04/2018 10:06

I work away a lot, but if I'm working from home all day and DH has an early start I'll make his lunch while I make breakfast, and maybe put the kettle on, that's about it! Today I'm off to Manchester working for a few days leaving him in bed with man flu, I've made sure there is plenty of OJ, honey and lemon and reminded him to take meds. Such a shame I won't be home until Friday.... Grin

MrsJackHackett · 16/04/2018 10:08

Why don’t you say when is a good time?

Why should we all feel like this?

Do you worry that if you don’t comply, he’ll simply find someone that will? How long do you think that would last?

I’d consider getting your ducks in a line, like now, for a rainy day.

Did you say he watches his company on the market or does he trade?

LisbethSalander08 · 16/04/2018 10:08

If my DH told me he needed full assistance, I'd be getting my rubber gloves out and the pile cream............... Grin

I'm the sort of woman that if he asked me to do all that for him, I'd hide his keys instead. And his briefcase. And his car. And he'd never ask again.

pigsDOfly · 16/04/2018 10:08

Just seen your latest post, so he 'warns' you not to speak to him about thing.

Sounds aggressive enough to me.

Why do you make excuses for him. He's a nasty controlling bully and you're scared of him. Is that really how you want to continue living your life?

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 10:09

I will look at that site. I do know he would never hit me or anything, I should make that clear. He doesn't do the silent treatment either. It's hard to explain. I suppose I've never pushed him enough to know, but there is a level I'm probably scared to push against with him, yes.

OP posts:
EmiliaAirheart · 16/04/2018 10:09

I mean, how bad must things be that even MrsKoala seems to be in a position to give you relationship advice?

GemmaBeth · 16/04/2018 10:10

What does he do for you in the mornings, to "assist" you?

Gingersstuff · 16/04/2018 10:10

You sound like my nana, who did everything for my grandad to the point where he didn't actually know where his pants were kept.
It sounds to me like you need to get a job outside of the home sharpish. Is this all you are? A skivvy for your twat of a DH and your teenage kids who will turn out exactly like him?
You're doing yourself and the whole of womankind a massive disfavour putting up with and enabling shit like this.

Skatingfastonthinice · 16/04/2018 10:10

Surely the point being made is not that ’He’d do anything for us’ OP.
He win’t, he doesn’t and he doesn’t want to understand the meaning of teamwork.
He does sound like a boss. An overseer. The sort of boss that staff hate working for, because it’s my way or the high wat. Stop excusing, facilitating and lying to yourself and try to look at your relationship honestly, as a critical, neutral observer would. Then you will see what needs to change.

pigsDOfly · 16/04/2018 10:11

No you don't know he would never hit you. As you say, you've never pushed him enough to find out.

This is no way to live, really.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2018 10:11

He's not a very good person. He's taking advantage of you and bullying you into toeing the line. And it sounds like the children are also intimidated by him.

gamerchick · 16/04/2018 10:12

Oh fuck, this is massively familiar. You’ve posted about him time and time before, haven’t you?

Ah a waste of time thread then?

If you always do what you’ve always done then you’ll always get more of the same OP. Maybe you should just suck it up if you’re not willing to change.

mateysmum · 16/04/2018 10:12

As others have said, he is treating you as an employee not as a wife and partner. He is taking you for granted big time. He would probably be horrified to be told this- far too bruising to his male ego. Bet he can't see that there is anything wrong in his behaviour. His expectations of you have become so ingrained and natural to him.
You are enabling this because it's just how it has always been and it's probably what has kept your marriage together. If you're happy with that then OK, but it's not the way most modern partnerships work.
Start by making your kids do more for themselves. Don't let their behaviour mirror your husband's. Do you have any interests or commitments outside the home? If not, I'd find some. Assert your independence as an individual and equal.
Be aware though, it will rock the boat of your marriage.

WizardOfToss · 16/04/2018 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idontdowindows · 16/04/2018 10:13

I do know he would never hit me or anything

He doesn't have to, you're too scared of him to push him far enough, and all you need is a little bit of threatening by him to stay in line.

Bluntness100 · 16/04/2018 10:14

You don't need to challenge him. Just say no. What will happen then? Find out becayse I think you don't know.

And why are you also laying out clothes for teenage kids? You're not doing them any favours, you need to teach them how to function and have personal responsibility. Both you and your husband are teaching them that this behaviour is normal. It's far from normal not to be able to get your own clothes out and have to have someone lay your stuff by the door for you.

Userchooser77 · 16/04/2018 10:14

OP someone mentioned the boiling frog thing earlier and that sounds about right to me. Little things happen, not so bad on their own, then you realise completely twattish behaviour dominates your life.

And yes, in an ideal world you'd not have gone along with it, but that's easy for people with equal relationships to say.

Your husband does sound very controlling, and that's hard to fight against.

The other author to look up is Lundy Bancroft btw. Thanks