Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

What are you going to do about it?

Can I ask why if your children are teenagers, you are still setting out their uniforms etc.?
Presumably because she wants them to be like her DH when they grow up?
My DH caught a slightly later train this morning because we have to get out early on a Monday.
He chivvied DS while I chivvied DD to get dressed, gave them both medication and the first part of their breakfast, and checked we were all on track when he left the house. Normally he's gone before we're all up but clearly AS HE IS AN ADULT he gets his own bag etc. sorted.
Usually he makes the DCs tea (sandwiches) the night before if they need it made, and he sets out DS school uniform (but DS is only 6, and is capable of getting it ready if we remind him if it's PE/regular/own clothes etc.).

If you don’t work, go into Wilkinson’s today and buy a to do list. When the DC’s come home from school they can plan what they need each day. Then it’s a reminder for them to get these things organised.

Anything essential double check, like money / card / anything else important.

If the have home ec you need to know on Friday what they’re making. Then the night before you will work with them to measure everything out.

If they have sports, tell them it’s their responsibility to have bags packed. Doing basketball in your boxers isn’t as funny as it looks.

Once you’ve done this will the children, move onto DH.

I need to know your schedule Friday, at the latest Saturday lunch time. If you want anything prepped remember your manners. If you are in desperate need of anything double check you have it. I can pop a post it on the front door.

Wow 🍿

Do you have to also get yourself ready for work in the mornings?

He is so lucky to have you, but probably doesn't realise all you do.
Get up one day he has off and leave him to do everything himself, go to friends, a spa.....But stay away all day.

He has a quite fixed mentality. He's been very successful in recent years, but he doesn't see it like that at all. He could jack it all in but he never will.

He is essentially a very good and honest person. All my friends think he's fantastic, though maybe a bit selfish with all the trips for his hobbies. He is never knowingly unkind or malicious but sometimes he can't see the wood for the trees, if that makes sense.

I did tell him after the holiday that he needs to take a step back and look at all the positives in his life, of which there are many. I told him that I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him and no doubt the kids do too, He said, "Don't hit me with that now" and I think he said something like, "I'm warning you, this is not a good time." But there is never a good time.

I was once on a train which was nearing its destination and had the misfortune to overhear a bloke on his phone about two seats a way saying, "hello darling, I'm nearing X, could you lay out my purple shirt and navy cufflinks?"

I had to suppress a terrible urge to grab the phone off him and scream "don't do it, run for the hills" at his oh!

Seriously op, my DH has a seriously demanding job and drives me spare by losing his keys, wallet, phone etc at random times, and he doesn't have time to do much in the house (he's not really interested in it either tbh) but he does a load of food shopping and child related stuff when he's not travelling. He wouldn't dream of asking me for "full assistance" in the morning like I was a member of staff, because (a) he is independent and capable and doesn't like/want asking for help when it isnt necessary and (b) I would say something very rude back.

Has he always been like this? Is he very stressed? Business doing ok?

There is nothing wrong with helping each other out of the door in the morning when it is balanced.

My dh works away and has quite a high stress job and on the mornings he's leaving early I will fill his coffee cup and pack his lunch when he's away over night out of courtesy I'll check any thing he wants to take is clean and ready to be packed by him.

When he's at home and I'm out early he does the same for me

If he said he needed full assistance I would laugh in his face

If he's not threatening then there must be another reason you feel you must tread on eggshells. Does he frequently go for days without talking to you if you dare object to anything or criticise him in any way?

STOP MAKING EXCUSES!

OP what would happen if you just said no?

Oh OP he has done a number on you. I am sorry you have to deal with this. He has essentially conditioned or trained you to be what he needs. You don't have a husband/wife relationship you have an employee/employer relationship with "added benefits" he might as well be shagging his PA the outcome is the same.

I think you need to stop it's hard as I said you have been conditioned to live a certain way but take a step back and stop enabling him first off which should if nothing else start a dialogue maybe not a pleasant one mind you good luck OP

Do you wipe his arse and tie his shoe laces too?

""I'm warning you, this is not a good time.""

So he uses threats to keep you in line?

It's easier to do as he says than risk the consequences?

Doesn't that make him abusive?

He said he was "warning you"? What would he have done if you had carried on then, what was he warning you would happen? Or even asked him when would be a good time (never I'm guessing).

He said, "Don't hit me with that now" and I think he said something like, "I'm warning you, this is not a good time

He's a shit of the first water. Oh, and he is threatening you.

X post with you open

Oh that doesn't sound good at all I'm afraid. Why am I not surprised about the hobbies.

And "I'm warning you" sounds absolutely awful. That sounds threatening.

Op not open!

Honestly OP if my partner had said that to me about packing him a bag, I'd be tempted to do one of two things.
The first option would be to pack a bag with all kinds of irrelevant things - a snorkel, some chick lit, a bag of Haribo...that kind of thing.
The second option would be to pack all his things up and tell him to fuck off.
I get that you are used to this but this situation is not OK. He has no respect for you as a person. You appear to be his whipping boy. i repeat, this is not OK.

😆😆😆. You’re kidding, right?

Second time I've posted this today!

I'd highly recommend you read this.

<a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwdonline/lwd/i02.htm" target="_blank">http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwdonline/lwd/i02.htm

It's the online version of the book Living with the Dominator. See if you recognise DH. I'd put money on you thinking Pat Craven has met him.

I know lots of people are saying "I'd never allow that, kick him out, do this, do that" but it's not that easy is it? He's done a real number on you over the last few years. You can't challenge him.

Just because he's not hitting you, it doesn't mean he isn't potentially abusive. And you and your kids will be suffering even more than you realise.

It doesn't have to be this way


I used to. He is much better but tries it on quite often - I refuse to do it - we argue.

He sounds like a bully and a bellend.

My DP once tried the: 'can you help me tomorrow morning, I've got an important meeting?', incompetence plea. This included tasks such as 'reminding' him to make a sandwich.

I reminded him, very loudly, that he is 42 years old and has fully functioning hands. And if I can get myself and two children under four years old up, washed, dressed and breakfasted single-handedly every morning while he wafts around in his pants making a ristretto, then he can manage to iron a bloody shirt and put his laptop in a bag. He hasn't asked again.

There's no excuse for man-childishness other than subnormal intelligence or a massive, massive sense of entitlement.

Sounds like your DH is in the latter camp. And you accept it because somehow you feel he has authority over you?? How does he enforce that authority is the question. If you feel like you can't tell him to act like an adult man and pack his own bag, then that's not right.

sometimes he can't see the wood for the trees, if that makes sense

Lisst and reminders to him - like I do with children. Train him up to sort himself.

I told him that I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him and no doubt the kids do too

That sounds like serious issue - and frankly one I don't think I'd cope with long term or want for my children. He does sound stressed but unless you call him on his behaviour I don't see anything changing.

I'm wondering if you're a people pleaser and avoiding confronting him and his behaviour.