Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

[questi0n]

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

Why are you running around doing this? Is he physically unable to do this for himself? Just bizarre.

He's treating you like a slave, and you're letting him.

You need a large sign saying "I am not your employee". Or maybe a loud recorded announcement (complete with accompanying klaxons) so you can just press a button to set it off every time he comes out with this bollocks.

You seriously need to start challenging him. Do you really want to spend the next 30+ years with this nonsense going on?

OP, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Has he been binge watching Downton Abbey & thinks you should be there for his every whim.

For a start I would have Saturday as family day, not cycle off to another county day. Sunday can be Dad’s day, where he does fun things just him & the kids. You get Prosecco & a day doing what you enjoy.

What do you do when alone?

Does it feel like bliss?

Wow - does he get you into the bathroom to wipe his bum for him as well?

Sorry OP your life sounds grim. I grumble sometimes about trying to squeeze in work and home-life, but if this is the alternative then I think I'll stick to it not that we can afford differently.

Couple of things - I'd start on the DCs first as they can see that him treating you like that is wrong, therefore logically they should know that they should get their own stuff together. DS is 12 and is perfectly capable of getting himself ready and doing his pack lunch. Now if he forgets to do something he lives with the consequences. If I try to pack his bag for holiday - as tbh it's quicker sometimes than letting him do it and him forgetting something - he gets annoyed as that's his bag and he wants to do it himself.

Your DH does sound very stressed - it's not an excuse, but does sound to be true. It also sounds like he has out of whack priorities - what's the point of working so hard and making all this money, if he can't even go on holiday with his family for 5 days.

So either he is incredibly stressed and has forgotten that you're his DW not his robot, or he's just an entitled arse. Or - most likely - he's a bit of both.

I'd be more willing to offer emotional, rather than practical support. Can you try pushing back gently? Perhaps having a gentle laugh at his expectations? How on earth would you know that he was planning to cycle on a particular morning?

Do you work? If not I'd think about finding a job of some description for your own sanity and for financial security.

What happens if you say no, I'm not your employee/skivvy - you're an adult, sort yourself out? Would he be angry or unpleasant towards you?

What would happen if you just stopped doing things like this for him?

Why are you getting the children’s uniforms ready for them? You are turning them into their dad.

You need to start acting like an equal partner in this relationship and stop acting like an employee.

You need to set aside a time with him to talk about how he is talking to you and treating you and that it stops right now. You are his equal not subordinate and will not accept this any longer and stick to it If necessary remind him of his other partners marriage and how that’s turned out.

It may be the wake up call he needs or he may just be an arse but at least you’ll know you did what you could

Stop taking this shit and making excuses for him (and you) and do something about it

Please tell me that this is one of "those" threads as l truely can not believe that you would allow yourself to be so disrespected and treated like this.

You must know this is not normal. But if you're happy to be a Stepford Wife do it then carry on. Just do it with good grace and don't moan about it and remember to put a ribbon in your hair for when he arrives home

Do you ever query anything about work?

Suggest that maybe they need to employ someone to do some of the more demanding things?

Suggest that a life of high adrenaline could see both of you burnt out?

Or do you worry when the children have left you’ll have no purpose?

What happens if you say no, I'm not your employee/skivvy - you're an adult, sort yourself out? Would he be angry or unpleasant towards you?

I’m kinda wondering that myself.

No my DH gets himself ready for work.
And not only that he helps with the kids too.

Is he much older than you?

I'd suggest you start getting some independence outside the home. Kids are in HS no need for you to be a SAHM.

Get all of them taught THEY are responsible for sorting their own clothes and bags for school / work. You can play it as kids are getting nearer Uni age they need to be able to take care of themselves at Uni and he needs to set an example.

The dynamics of this relationship mean you are classed at a lower level to him in his eyes.

You do his bidding because you agree you are subservient.

If you don't like this imbalance then you rectify it.

Let him do his own laundry, cooking etc. Let what he says wash over you.

Compile a list which you want his help with.

Your dc need to see equality in the power balance between hushband wife and if you are not providing this you are doing irrepairable damage.

Your dc look up to you and your dh as role models in their lives so make sure you and your dh behave as you wish your dds and your ds to behave with their partners.

If your balance isn't right then make steps to improve it. No one respects a doormat.

Do not be responsible for your dh's things! He is an adult! Tell him to stop behaving like an immature toddler!

Always talk calmly to him and don't be drawn into histrionics. Shake your head, look pityingly at him and whisper he isn't being a very good role model to young dc if he can't organise himself.

Laugh at him and don't get upset by him as then you will diffuse any situation. An angry man is very intimidating to have in the house so he has to learn to behave in a respectful, mature way.

It's a shame he didn't learn this growing up.

My dh never asks me to look for his things and he would never treat me in such a disrespectful way.

Time to calmly and firmly change the dynamics to improve your family life op, for all your sakes.

My FIL is like this. He's occasionally said things like "make sure dh has a big breakfast in the morning, he's got a busy day!"

It drives me demented and Im afraid I've been bloody rude back which means FIL now thinks I am stroppy and difficult. Small price to pay not to turn dh into a whiny manchild.

You don't really do all that for your teenagers do you? What if they have friends overnight? Would they still be seen to have mummy lay out their trousers for them?

You don't have to criticise anyone. All you have to do is stop doing it. Don't do it. If asked say "sorry, can't, too busy."

Maybe it is time to get a job so you can honestly say you are too busy.

The full assistance bit made me think he was disabled.

How utterly depressing to see yet another thread about a grown man who treats his wife as his personal assistant rather than an equal. Why do women accept this kind of shit? Agree you should stop doing stuff for your older dc too or you're helping to create the next generation of helpless adults.

Just say 'no. You do it'

It's very simple when you get down to it.

I thought this was going to be about him being disabled and physically unable to get ready without help! Not that he just wants someone to act like he's a toddler

Even my 5 year old will put her snack and water bottle in her bag, get her shoes and book bag bag etc, which sounds like more than he's expecting to have to do!

My DP is awful at remembering things so I will sometimes double check he has everything or put some things by the door but only if I'm not busy, and he'll be grateful and definitely wouldn't expect me to do it!

He's treating you as his PA for the outside work stuff. He needs to stop it. If he's got a bin system sorted out give him something else at home to sort out a system for and build it up to full adult self sufficiency. He's probably only successful at work because he's got a good PA, so I doubt he ever has to sort things from scratch for himself.

His mother must be so proud....not.

My 12yo (who does have asd!) got herself up at 6am, dressed, made herself porridge (microwave not hob tbf), checked she had everything for her school day, and left at 7:05. The only thing she needed from me was the door unlocking.
If DH has a work trip/big meeting, it's up to him to sort it, though admittedly, he does say if he'll not be able to help with the youngest in the morning.

It's not ok for him to treat you like this
And please, ensure your children don't turn out like him too- teach them independent skills.

Wow OP, he's really taught you well. You don't or can't confront him when he's being a dick. How very convenient for him!

" But it's hard to challenge him about things, if that makes sense?"

Not really-unless you mean that you daren't not do as he tells you?