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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
flowery · 16/04/2018 09:23

”Can I ask why if your children are teenagers, you are still setting out their uniforms etc.?”

Quite. I don’t do that for my 8yo. He’s perfectly capable of getting himself dressed in the morning without me setting his clothes out for him!

I do make sure he had essentials in his school bag- glasses, drinks bottle, etc, because he’s 8 and liable to forget things causing me to get a phone call from school Hmm but my 10yo I don’t do any of that for.

FreshStartToday · 16/04/2018 09:24

PS My husband works very long hours, takes very few days holidays, does not have a lot of time for family stuff - but he can and does get himself ready in the morning. mind you, I would be useless at helping I can never find my own keys, let alone his!

Pythonesque · 16/04/2018 09:25

There's been a few similar suggestions already I see - I was going to suggest you ask him to decide if he needs a valet or a butler, and then to employ one. However it sounds like perhaps that is exactly what is needed so perhaps tell him he needs to employ a housekeeper, and follow through on it!

Ladystarr · 16/04/2018 09:26

You have 4 children not 3. Most grown ups do not behave like this. Did he move in with you straight from his mums?

My DH has got a really stressful and important day today and the only thing he asked me was if it was okay if he set off early to prepare leaving me to deal with the kids and the school/nursery run. He managed to iron his shirt, pack his bag and make his own lunch....cos he's a grown up.

He's taking the piss and treating you like an employee

lottiegarbanzo · 16/04/2018 09:27

But I guess the answer (other than laughter) would be 'oh, so you've contacted your PA and they're coming over at 6am then?'

Or 'do you realise what a tit you're making of yourself in front of the children? A grown man less able to get himself dressed than a toddler?' Then invent a suitable nickname for him, 'Mr Wheres-my-socks' or similar.

solylluvia · 16/04/2018 09:27

Question: do you feel 'lighter' when he is not around and you only have to deal with your stuff and your kids? When another adult demands so much of you, it can really wear you out. Suddenly life feels much brighter and more enjoyable when you don't have to think so much about bolstering another adult......

DangerEgg · 16/04/2018 09:29

Sounds to me like you are an enabler - is he the main earner affording you a certain lifestyle? Why else would you put up with this shit?

Do you work OP, have you got the career you want?

seven201 · 16/04/2018 09:31

Blimey. You've been enabling him and if you don't want to (who would?) then you need to have a chat with him. Even your son has noticed how he talks to you. That's bad.

I'm a teacher and occasionally my dh has pointed out I've used my teacher voice on him Grin. Not good either!

MrsPreston11 · 16/04/2018 09:31

Jesus.

TheXXFactor · 16/04/2018 09:31

"Arrgh, have you seen my keys/wallet/phone?" Normal: everyone does this though men more than women

"Why haven't you put my keys/wallet/phone out for me?" Not normal.

gamerchick · 16/04/2018 09:31

You lie down and shag this person OP? How on earth can you find him attractive when he behaves like a kid.

In fact it’s an insult to kids.. my 11 has asd and is capable of packing his own bag. Seriously, give him warning and tell him he can sort his own stuff out from now on.

Or suck it up. There are choices.

Brokenbiscuit · 16/04/2018 09:32

I think you should pack his bags for him, OP.

I think you should then leave them on the doorstep and change the locks.

He is treating you like a servant. No grown man should behave like this. And given his tendency to get "volatile" if you dare to criticize him, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

You don't have to do this. You don't have to do any of it.

letsdolunch321 · 16/04/2018 09:32

What a twat he is, op you are stupid to be encouraging this behaviour.

Equimum · 16/04/2018 09:32

No, this wouldn’t happen in our household. DH always comes straight in from work and hangs out all the clothes he needs for the next day. He then packs his bag and put that, and his shoes by the door. He also hangs the coat he plans to wear on the back of the front door, so he can literally jump up, shower, dress and walk out the door.

diddl · 16/04/2018 09:32

Your kids are teens & you do the same for them?

Bloody hell!!

Do you want them to turn out like their dad?

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 16/04/2018 09:33

My husband does this. Sometimes I help but more and more I have to make it clear that I am not there as his Valet!

You're not alone OP! Gin

pigsDOfly · 16/04/2018 09:33

He sounds like a demanding, bully, and you're too scared to challenge him.

What a miserable sort of life, creeping around him, walking on eggshells and doing as you're told because if you try to talk to him he's volatile - in other words he gets aggressive.

Your teenage DCs are watching your relationship and thinking this is normal, at least for you; something you're encouraging because you're doing too much for them too. Do you think that's a healthy example to give young people?

Stop being a dog's body and a martyr. Just because you're a sahm doesn't mean you have to be everyone's skivvy.

Have you ever considered that your life might be vastly improved if he wasn't in it?

FleagleBingoDrooperSnork · 16/04/2018 09:33

I am also wondering if he's like this at home, what's he like at work? I think I can hazard a guess.....

MrsJackHackett · 16/04/2018 09:34

When you’d sorted his stuff last night & he ranted ‘I’m cycling!’ Did you think to retort, sorry the psychic didn’t let me now, FFS you saw what I’d done, I’m not your servant!’

Let’s just see what beauty he comes out with, from well you’re a SAHM to is it really that hard? To which you reply ‘Obviously as you need me to do it!’

Is it really worth it OP?

Really?

I would text at lunch ask how it’s going, then add the girls have asked me away for a long spa weekend, you’d be able to cope with the kids wouldn’t you?

DangerEgg · 16/04/2018 09:34

@FreshStartToday Why should the OP help him find his socks? He's an adult with a fully functioning brain and body, able to hold down a good job by the sound of it.

How utterly fucking demeaning. Angry

Blanikbalm · 16/04/2018 09:35

Thought this was going to be a morning sex thread.

I'd send him to his mums

Springnowplease · 16/04/2018 09:37

I don't often say this but show him this thread. Maybe he'll see what an idiot he is.

Really, OP, I couldn't live like that. Get out.

Allergictoironing · 16/04/2018 09:37

I used to have a very pressured job, that involved me going to important client meetings and spending my weeks away from home. I also had a sporting hobby that took me away on Saturday afternoon & meant I got home Sunday night physically very tired.

I live alone, and somehow managed to get everything sorted and dealt with for myself; washing done, clothes etc packed, and off to my work on time. If I'd had commitments at home I would have reduced or given up the sport.

I wonder how your "D"H would cope if it was only him and he had to do everything for himself?

Foxysoxy10 · 16/04/2018 09:38

What’s your address OP? I will send you a sock then you can be a free elf!

Utterly ridiculous behaviour and you are just enabling it. I’m sorry OP but you really have only yourself to blame for allowing yourself to be treated like this.

You know you could tell him and the kids it stops now, you’ve had enough and want to be treated like an actual real human.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 09:38

Thankyou for all the replies and sorry for not responding to individual questions. It's quite a lot.

I realise this obviously sounds crazy to a lot of people, but it is how it is and him saying he needs "full assistance" is quite normal, I'm ashamed to say. We've been married 16 years and I was quite young when I met him.

I should make it very clear that he has never threatened me and he never swears or uses abusive language at home. But it's hard to challenge him about things, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
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