Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
Inkanta · 16/04/2018 09:08

Oh dear questi0n - he behaves quite badly doesn't he.

TheXXFactor · 16/04/2018 09:09

I would be careful of that as it sounds like you do a lot for everyone in your house that they should be doing themselves. You are not doing the kids any favours if they end up just like him because they never have to think for themselves

This. Please think of your own wellbeing, OP - but also your DC. What messages are they picking up from you and your DH? They are learning that it's the woman's role to look after everyone and that having a job entitles a man to expect his wife to be his PA/butler - whereas a woman is expected to do all the family/household work on top of a job. From your posts, you have at least one son - how is he going to treat his wife in 20 years' time?

For everyone's sake, please stop being the carer to a grown man and to 3 teenagers. Unless SNs, teenagers are perfectly capable of sorting out their uniform, packing bags etc. Give your DC the greatest gift - teach them to be independent.

WellThisIsShit · 16/04/2018 09:09

Start ‘requiring’ things back from him.

Lottapianos · 16/04/2018 09:10

Dear god OP, he sounds worse with every new post. He will 'do anything' for you, except sort his own shit out in the mornings? He's a bully who has scared you into submission. No one actually enjoys being told that they are behaving like an arse, but most of us need to hear it at some point. It sounds like you walk on eggshells around him.

This is not normal, not ok and nothing to do with 'how men are'. You have had loads of replies from women who are horrified at the thought of their men treating them like this. Please think about that

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 16/04/2018 09:10

Oh questi0n - your DP isn't just hopefully pushing his luck like mine then - he's actually a dismissive, controlling fucker - are you happy? If not, you can do something about this you know?

cestlavielife · 16/04/2018 09:11

-If anything goes in the wrong bin, he will point this out without fail. But you can never point out anything to him or ask him to do anything different /extra

Because then what happens?
He shouts?
Berates you?
Scares you?

So you 've spent years tip toeing around?
This is not healthy op but you are waking up.
Read "why does he do that "
Some won't apply but you will recognize your dh in there. He is a bully.

Tell us his good points??

fearfultrill · 16/04/2018 09:11

Show him this threa @questi0n. Please.

MumofBoysx2 · 16/04/2018 09:12

Tell him to get on that bike and stick his rucksack where the sun doesn't shine. Full assistance! Pahahah! Four children then ...

Figgygal · 16/04/2018 09:13

What a way to live!!

ItsNachoCheese · 16/04/2018 09:13

Tell your dh he is an adult and therefore needs to act like one.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 16/04/2018 09:13

He wouldn't "do anything" for you, though would he? He's a twat.

Make him a sticker chart for tomorrow. Here's one: www.mrsorganised.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Are-You-Ready-for-School-Blue.pdf

BakedBeans47 · 16/04/2018 09:15

Why the hell are you facilitating this shite?

YoThePussy · 16/04/2018 09:15

Sometimes am so glad I am living on my own reading this thread.

czechitout · 16/04/2018 09:17

"This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way."

Of course he does, you are one of them!
I have no solution, mine is sometimes similar. If I have a bandwith to help I do, if not he's responsible for himself.

Avasarala · 16/04/2018 09:17

Show him this thread if you think he'd actually value other opinions, but it doesn't sound as though he will.

He is treating you like one of his employees, not as a partner. I'd go on strike.

Really, if you can't talk to him yourself because he is "volatile" then it needs to be in counselling where they can help you both communicate. Can you make a list of everything you do in the home, and then what he does, and then ask him where does he expect you to find the time to fit in the "full assistance" he has decided he needs in the mornings?

The work you do in the home allows him to do his job so don't take any of the "well I earn the big money for you" crap. You are not an employee, you are not a slave. You're partners, and if he's working long long hours then it's fair for you to do more work in the home, but it is not fair for you to then dress him/pack bags/lay out his keys and shoes etc. He is not a child. Just say that to him - or write it down and give him it so he can calm his valtile side down before he talks to you about it. But don't let it go.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 09:18

If I think about his business partners, one had lost his marriage and is in rehab. The other has autistic tendencies. I feel as if I get all the fall out from DH and it's too much at times.

OP posts:
PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 16/04/2018 09:18

This is the classic boiling of a frog in a pot of water situation. He built up to this just off abusive level of behaviour (reading between the lines I suspect he may veer into abusing on occasions because you can’t take him on at all) over time and now you think it is ok. Kick him out OP, give him a chance to manage like an adult.

PuntasticUsername · 16/04/2018 09:18

Do not show him the thread!

Nine pages of women on the internet laughing at him. Yes, that's really going to make @questi0n's life easier with this uptight and controlling guy who can't bear to be questioned or criticised about how he does things, isn't it?

lottiegarbanzo · 16/04/2018 09:19

No, of course not.

DP is a grown up. He irons his own shirts and packs for early starts the night before.

Why doesn't yours? No arms, or other profound disability? That wouldn't stop him asking nicely and treating you with respect, would it.

FreshStartToday · 16/04/2018 09:21

New regime needed. You get the kids uniforms ready for them, so you are breeding a next generation who expect someone else to find their clothes for them!! Start with the kids then start using the same ideas on your husband:

Kids: What shall we watch on TV?
You: You need to get your stuff ready for the morning now. I am going out early - I won't have time to help you then. You are grown up enough now to pack a bag/get your uniform ready.

Him: I shall need full assistance in the morning
You: Sorry, I have an early dental appointment. Shall I help you find your socks now, or can you manage to sort out what you need?

PS: I do not sort out your sports gear. I would get that wrong. I think from now on you should sort out your work gear too. I'll concentrate on the important stuff.
Him: grumble, grumble, grumble.
You: Please don't speak like that. I am your wife, not an employee. Now do you need some help finding your socks this evening, as I shall be busy in the morning.

JennyOnAPlate · 16/04/2018 09:22

I would laugh myself sick if my dh suggested I sort his work stuff in the mornings. What a knob.

DiplomaticDecorum · 16/04/2018 09:22

You sound like my Aunty, the perfect commuter wife, living in a soulless village of other commuter wives, their lives dedicated to He Who Provides, taking Him to the station, living in a perfect house, cooking top class dinners, and ferrying the kids around for music lessons etc etc. Organising their lives around the next New York business meeting (when people used to fly in and out next day on concord, in the days before technology).

They had a lot of money, and the best things, he was a shit husband though, still lived his life as a child, getting his own way and not doing anything in the house apart from throw money at it.

The kids grew up and moved out, He retired and moved out to be with another woman, she had to move to a cottage, still in the soulless village, but not part of it anymore. So sad.

echt · 16/04/2018 09:22

Yet another poster thinking this would be about, ahem, executive relief.

What a knobend.

Speaking of which, is his cock made of gold? Hmm

eddielizzard · 16/04/2018 09:23

he's not a partner, he's dc4.

Idontdowindows · 16/04/2018 09:23

I feel as if I get all the fall out from DH and it's too much at times.

What do you get out of this relationship that is good for you?

What about this relationship makes you happy? (And I do mean happy, not "oh it's not as bad as it could be", I mean happy.)