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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you agree about the great school gate divide?

113 replies

drspouse · 15/04/2018 23:05

No it's not working/SAHPs or middle class/working class or older/younger parents or even SMOGs vs the rest of us.
It's those with an only or youngest in R/KS1 and those with a hanger on toddler or preschooler!
I'm in the latter category and we've lost all DS preschool friends as they all went to different schools, so we're trying to do playdates.
But I find it really hard to have 2 excited 6 year olds plus a whiny 3 year old who is too young for their games. So I keep having to say "not that day... No not then either as I'll have DD". I owe 3 or 4 now I think. Plus activities - trying to keep DD occupied during DS lesson.
Also those that work part time but have no younger ones or a portable baby are always heading off for a grown-up coffee after drop off, while I have Miss Fidgetybottom who doesn't want to be dragged to grown-up places.

OP posts:

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 16/04/2018 00:15

I haven’t seen that divide at all. What is a SMOG by the way?!

Couldn’t you find an activity to do with the 3 year old while the older children are playing elsewhere?

Cooking, painting, play dough etc. Just use it as an opportunity to have some one to one time with the three year old.

AornisHades · 16/04/2018 00:18

So you have 2 children of different ages and need to balance that?
It's pretty normal especially in primary years.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 16/04/2018 00:19

No!
We're all in different scenerios. No great school divide at all.

blackteasplease · 16/04/2018 00:21

But not the divide you describe. Why can't you do playdates with your younger one around? My dd would have hardly ever had a play date jf that were the rule!

minipie · 16/04/2018 00:21

I know what you mean - when my 5 yo has a playdate my 3 yo always wants to join in with the two 5 year olds! I always have the 3yo after school though so just have to get on with it or DC1 would never have a playdate. I have resorted sometimes to letting DC2 have the ipad as it's the only thing she prefers to pestering the big kids... And they do let her join in a bit too...
Coffees are fine though as DC2 is in preschool - isn't yours?

blackteasplease · 16/04/2018 00:22

Does sound like you resent your dd a bit!

GreenTulips · 16/04/2018 00:26

I have noticed most parents swarm towards the eldests friends/parents and have little time for the younger ones friends (that potentially are your eldests year group)

There is definitely a divide as the older ones have formed stronger groups of friends over a few years

PerspicaciaTick · 16/04/2018 00:47

I've done both - playdates for the eldest with a toddler in tow, playdates for the youngest with an older sibling being bossy. Both have their difficulties but I never used the other child as an excuse to avoid playdates. Six year olds are quite able to entertain themselves while you entertain the toddler.

Monty27 · 16/04/2018 00:53

I just found that when my marriage broke up people were wary of me and judged. I was very popular before. But then it was a Catholic school. Christians my ass! I was heartbroken.

AjasLipstick · 16/04/2018 00:57

When my older DD was about 5 or 6 and having playdates, I also had DD2 who was 3. I used to make sure there was a good craft activity on offer....something they could all do...then I'd spirit younger DD off for a story or something when DD1 wanted to play something else with her friend.

It's VITAL that younger siblings aren't foisted on their older brothers and sisters. My younger DD is now 10 and she has started to refuse playdates at one child's house because the parents seem to think that the poor girl's 5 and 3 year old siblings MUST be included in all games.

Which isn't on at all!

blackteasplease · 16/04/2018 00:58

That's sad Monty. I've just gone through same with my dd at Catholic school and haven't experienced this. That said there are other single / divorced mothers. But sorry for you that it did.

blackteasplease · 16/04/2018 01:00

My ds does try to join in with all his sister's play date games it's true and we sometimes have a job keeping him away! But most recently we've had some double playdates which has worked well.

As the parent you have to work double hard when there's a play date to let one on the play date have some.space!

zzzzz · 16/04/2018 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MacaroniPenguin · 16/04/2018 01:14

I don't see this as a divide. It's never easy when one child has a friend round and the other doesn't. No matter what their ages it ends up in whining and tears. When they're older you can get them one friend each sometimes but that's not always possible. You can't avoid having friends round just because you have another child. Well, you can I suppose, but don't expect it to get magically sorted as they get bigger. The little ones will often want to play with the big ones and the big ones will often be trying to turf them out. That's just a fact of sibling life, even with my 2 who get on really well when they don't have friends round.

I do remember homework and reading being hard with a preschooler around though.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 16/04/2018 01:18

Nope 3 kids with 3 year age gaps and I haven’t noticed that divide OP. Is your little one mad to get stuck in with the bigger kids? DD2 was a bit like that but as PP said keeping them distracted is great for harmony but even better I found was to do either a double play date or have a few older kids over at the one time. I found there would always be one of the older kids happy to play with DD2 for a time then.

sleepylittlebunnies · 16/04/2018 01:18

When DS was in reception I had 2 year old DD1 and was pregnant with and had DD2. I didn’t really do play dates but there is a park near school and we’d always go after school as long as it was dry. DS got to play with classmates there and I’d chat to parents while keeping an eye on DD1. Is there any chance of doing that or in the holidays a parent will suggest meeting up at soft play or a park or similar on the class FB group.

If any of mine had been on a play date I would try my best to invite the other child back though.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/04/2018 01:22

SMOG?

Monty27 · 16/04/2018 02:51

Thanks black.
A lot of them are divorced themselves now.
It did break my faith to a large degree

holiday101 · 16/04/2018 07:22

I don't really get the angst about playdates and the need for setting up activities. Surely the dc just play together? Mine are older now and it was just "would Jonny like to come back to ours after school on Wednesday?" It seems now as if an adult has be be actively facilitating/guiding their play.

TheSecondOfHerName · 16/04/2018 07:25

When DS1 was in Reception he had three younger siblings. I didn't notice a divide.

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 16/04/2018 07:31

SMOG= smug mum of girls. It's a nasty turn of phrase.
Have play dates and entertain your three year old with other things.

Original poster

drspouse · 16/04/2018 07:37

There was a bit of Mums who'd already had a child through the school / higher up the school "v" those who hadn't when dd started. And i mean "v" in the loosesy sense- they just seemed rather aloof and cliquey for a while.
This may be it - the other parents also often have a child that's been through the school. So they are organising things for just one child as their older one can sort themselves out/has been there done that.
Monty that's horrid. Sorry to hear that.
minipie I work part time, she's in nursery on my working days.
Her little friends' mums work full time mainly so they can't come for playdates on school afternoons. It's enough logistics organising one child to come over though!

I think we must be a low sibling year or something as only a couple of DS classmates have younger siblings and he has shown no interest in playing with either of them.

We also can't all go anywhere (no room in the car for three) so it's the house or the park if fine. DS would spend maybe 10 mins doing craft on a playdate - pirates and running around is more his style, DD struggles to keep up.

sleepy we sometimes manage that but currently my only regular pick up day is Friday and nobody seems to go regularly on a Friday.

OP posts:

JoanOfNarc · 16/04/2018 07:49

I have a similar age gap, although mine are almost teens now. Just invite older childs friend over and distract younger child by doing an activity with her. Re coffee after school and your daughter being fidgety. That's why you can download toddler games onto your phone .

You are going to have a similar situation forever more. My two rarely want their sibling there when their friends are over. So even now, I have to steer them away. It's one of the challenges you have with more than one child.

I am guilty of not bothering so much with parents of my younger child. TBH, I think you lose enthusiasm after the first child starts school. You have built up a support network, worked out some people are crazy so best not get too involved with the school playground politics and feel your heart sink at another fund raiser for the school having stood in the rain at the previous few years of summer fairs. To be frank, I can't be arsed.

Original poster

drspouse · 16/04/2018 07:51

Perry it was said partly in jest but no mum of a girl has ever asked DS on a playdate whereas I have asked several times and got vague answers/oh maybe/oh we're too busy.
Maybe "rude mums of girls" is more accurate. These are girls he plays with in the park - nicely - so it's not like they don't get on. Maybe they have all told their parents he's horrible in private shrug
But it would be nice to get over the sex segregation occasionally.

OP posts:

Original poster

drspouse · 16/04/2018 07:53

Oh dear Joan I hoped they'd grow up a bit! Ah well.

OP posts:

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