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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you agree about the great school gate divide?

113 replies

drspouse · 15/04/2018 23:05

No it's not working/SAHPs or middle class/working class or older/younger parents or even SMOGs vs the rest of us.
It's those with an only or youngest in R/KS1 and those with a hanger on toddler or preschooler!
I'm in the latter category and we've lost all DS preschool friends as they all went to different schools, so we're trying to do playdates.
But I find it really hard to have 2 excited 6 year olds plus a whiny 3 year old who is too young for their games. So I keep having to say "not that day... No not then either as I'll have DD". I owe 3 or 4 now I think. Plus activities - trying to keep DD occupied during DS lesson.
Also those that work part time but have no younger ones or a portable baby are always heading off for a grown-up coffee after drop off, while I have Miss Fidgetybottom who doesn't want to be dragged to grown-up places.

OP posts:
MacaroniPenguin · 16/04/2018 10:55

It's up to you OP. You can choose to believe that your particular 3 and 6 year old are so uniquely difficult together that you have a whole heap of insurmountable barriers that others never face and just wouldn't understand. It's not your fault, it's just everything's so much harder for you.

Or, you can say it's just one extra child, I can muddle through for a couple of hours and just crack on.

One of mine is autistic and I have to think positive and JFDI sometimes or we'd never do anything.

UnimaginativeUsername · 16/04/2018 11:09

I agree with PPs who say that you just have to invite children over and muddle through. It’s only a couple of hours after school.

I always find it easier when DS2 has a friend over, as they entertain each other.

AjasLipstick · 16/04/2018 11:11

Zzz Mine are not allowed to exclude younger siblings just because they have a friend round.

Really? Hmm Do you honestly think that's a good idea? At what point/age will you "allow" them to have their own friends without their siblings butting in?

zzzzz · 16/04/2018 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairiesVsPixies · 16/04/2018 11:29

Mine are not allowed to exclude younger siblings just because they have a friend round.

God, I was the opposite when mine were younger - 'come away little ds - your dsis is playing with her friends and you're annoying them' Grin

sofato5miles · 16/04/2018 11:39

We have a 7 year gap from top to bottom and they all seem to muck in, splitting off for a bit but generally finding a game for all of them. A couple of my eldest's friends were mean to the littles so didn't invite them back. We tend to have an army over an the weekend anyway.

My middle son's (8) favourite visitor is a 3 year old boy as 'he is hilarious'.

Lethaldrizzle · 16/04/2018 11:40

I don't think I've ever done a play date that involves a car. Just do other stuff

Lizzie48 · 16/04/2018 11:43

I agree that it's a shame there is that divide but it's not about the mums being smug. I would happily arrange a play date at our house with a boy if that was what my DDs wanted. They like playing with their boy cousins. One of those cousins has been here for sleepovers.

I have arranged play dates at the park with boys they know, but it hasn't led to them asking for that boy to come to our house.

It's tricky, but it isn't something that can be forced. I've tried to make friendships happen by arranging play dates but it doesn't work that way. Now my DDs have their own friends and they go to each other's houses and meet up at soft play, or the park or go for bike rides,

HomeOfficeWoes · 16/04/2018 11:51

he is quite full on and we are awaiting SEN assessment

That's probably your answer I'm afraid :( As soon as it became obvious DS had SN, the playdates stopped. DD is also not invited to things because the parents know DS.

AjasLipstick · 16/04/2018 12:06

Zz but adults are on the same level developmentally! Grin It's not like your DH's mates will want to play fairies whilst yours are on a more sophisticated round of kiss chase or something!

Your children need space to socialise and to learn how to host....obviously there's no need for rudeness but the chance to play in their own homes with their friends is very important.

UnimaginativeUsername · 16/04/2018 12:20

I think the rules for adults and children in a house around socialising do need to be different. No one wants to be forced to include their siblings when they’ve got friends round. I hated it when my wee sister ruined games with my friends. And she inevitably did.

My mum also used to give my friends jobs to do if they were in the house. So she’d ask me to put laundry away and ask my friend to unload the dishwasher. That was always really embarrassing.

There are 9 years between my two. They get on really well, but there is absolutely no way I’d make DS1 include his 8 year old brother in anything involving his friends. Nor would I insist he joins in when DS2 has friends round.

If a partner was having friends round to watch football or play videogames (or anything else I wasn’t interested in), I’d be perfectly happy to leave them to it. Grin

zzzzz · 16/04/2018 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
drspouse · 16/04/2018 12:34

HomeOffice happily the other parents don't seem bothered and they continue to be happy to host/accept invitations.

It's just me that has to keep saying oh we'd love for so and so to come round but no not that day... no I've got DD too that day... no that's a shame I'm working that day... oh I can't go to X because they don't allow preschoolers in at that time... oh let me see if I can work out where I can keep DD busy as she won't be allowed to take part...

DS and his friends don't wilfully exclude DD. They are just loud, active, and not frankly very mature themselves (the oldest of them is only 6 after all!).

zzzz so your DCs never have one to one friendships outside school?
Fair enough but my DS is asking to see his friends so it seems a bit mean not to at least try!

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 16/04/2018 12:39

I agree with you. I am one with a youngest in reception so I am now past the toddler hanger on stage. When I’ve dropped off, I don’t want to be surrounded by other people’s kids. I’ve spent many many years and finally I’m getting some childfree daytime hours. Bliss and I don’t want to use up my childfree time with people who I don’t know very well and their preschoolers.

zzzzz · 16/04/2018 12:42

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
drspouse · 16/04/2018 12:55

zzzz they have never said DD can't play!

They just overwhelm her and she cries, or she doesn't understand what they are playing at/can't take part because she can't count very well etc.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 16/04/2018 13:10

My DD certainly doesn't want to play with someone's random 6 year old brother! She's 10! She's got completely different interests...no more than she'd want to play with a much older child of either sex. Sex has nothing to do with it. It's an age thing.

Luckily, most of DD's friends, bar one, are the same! They don't practice bad manners or bullying. But they've no interest in playing with the younger or older siblings.

zzzzz · 16/04/2018 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Naty1 · 16/04/2018 13:40

We have similar issues OP. I have a nearly 6 and nearly 3. Both very active and even the park is challenging as the 3yo always used to run off, and the park is open sided plus she is very fast.
Dd1 yr1 has only been invited to one person's house. Im sure the issue lies with her. She isnt good at doing what she is told. And other parents observe this. She is controllable but only with helicoptering.

It does sound though as if your 3yo is pretty sensitive.
But also that the 6yo isnt responding to cues

A lot of people engineer their kids friendships, to kids they want theirs to be friends with or just where they are already friends with other parents.
Possibly people just dont bother making extra effort with different sex kids knowing it's unlikely to last?

Original poster
drspouse · 16/04/2018 14:25

You may be right Naty but I know lots of older boys/girls with opposite sex friends and it's such a shame not to encourage friendships they will get a lot out of.

OP posts:
minipie · 16/04/2018 21:20

Rueful grin at all these "just entertain your 3yo downstairs" suggestions. My 3yo is convinced she is 5 (or possibly 12) and spends most playdates sprinting up the stairs trying to find the bigger kids to join in. Joining in is fine for a bit but not the whole playdate - especially if they want to play Lego or something else she would easily spoil. Hence I sometimes resort to plugging her into the ipad during the playdate - it's the only thing more attractive than the big kids.

It is hard work OP, especially if you have an older DC who is more in need of intervention than the average (I do, and yes she does have some SN). If the younger one is high maintenance too then it's extra extra hard.

But there isn't any magic solution that others have and you don't. You either stop doing playdates (not a good idea) or just get on with it.

In fact tbh you're in a better position than many as at least you have some days when you only have DS or when your DH is around. I never have either!

One idea for you - I bring a snack at pick up and the first part of any playdate is always about 20 min eating snack and running round the playground. By the time we've all got home (usually on foot) there's only 45 min/1 hr to teatime... not so much time to keep the little one occupied for.

Original poster
drspouse · 16/04/2018 22:23

I will put my hands up to finding a TV programme that DD likes and DS doesn't during playdates.

OP posts:
Ivorbig1 · 16/04/2018 23:30

The problem isn’t what you think. It isn’t that other parents aren’t interested, or that your dd gets “in the way” or your ds is “sprited”. It is that you need to accept tje age gap between your children and get the hell on with parenting them the best you can. With why you’ve got. There is no magic age, solution, day that is best. Any day will be fine, you will mostly you muddle on for a few more years until the youngest is older. Sibling rivalry is yours for keeps.

Ivorbig1 · 16/04/2018 23:30

What you’ve got, not why ... sorry,

Hellsbellscockleshells · 17/04/2018 19:42

No everybody had their own shit to juggle be it full time or part time work caring for ailing parents, looking after one or more younger DC or dogs to walk etc etc.