Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you agree about the great school gate divide?

113 replies

drspouse · 15/04/2018 23:05

No it's not working/SAHPs or middle class/working class or older/younger parents or even SMOGs vs the rest of us.
It's those with an only or youngest in R/KS1 and those with a hanger on toddler or preschooler!
I'm in the latter category and we've lost all DS preschool friends as they all went to different schools, so we're trying to do playdates.
But I find it really hard to have 2 excited 6 year olds plus a whiny 3 year old who is too young for their games. So I keep having to say "not that day... No not then either as I'll have DD". I owe 3 or 4 now I think. Plus activities - trying to keep DD occupied during DS lesson.
Also those that work part time but have no younger ones or a portable baby are always heading off for a grown-up coffee after drop off, while I have Miss Fidgetybottom who doesn't want to be dragged to grown-up places.

OP posts:
pictish · 16/04/2018 07:55

This is certainly not something I ever angsted over or had trouble with. I didn’t notice any sort of divide either. I have three children. It was never an issue for me or anyone else, that I noticed.

pictish · 16/04/2018 07:58

“Have play dates and entertain your three year old with other things.”

Yes...this. What’s the problem?

MarthasGinYard · 16/04/2018 08:02

'We also can't all go anywhere (no room in the car for three)'

Do you have a DP you can car swap with in week? I'm thinking you must have a two seater car?

You'd certainly be a bit more flexible with them then.

Mydoghatesthebath · 16/04/2018 08:03

I had 6 kids best thing Is to try and have age for age so have a similar age friend for each child. I suppose mine had siblings to play with the age range was 10 years so pretty close.

My dds has boys to play though but that’s perhaps because having 4 older brothers they understood and liked boys. Grin still do as teenagers Grin

You just have to crack on op.

Original poster
drspouse · 16/04/2018 08:09

Martha we have one car and with car seats it only fits two children in the back.
Fine with two children but no good to take a friend anywhere.

OP posts:
3stonedown · 16/04/2018 08:22

we have one car and with car seats it only fits two children in the back. I'm not up to date on child car seat laws but surely one can go in the front? I'm sure there must be parents with 4 kids that have to put one in the front.

Also what everyone else said, just have a friend round to play with DS and you have to entertain DD

MacaroniPenguin · 16/04/2018 08:28

IME I wasn't driving other people's YRs around much anyway, but OP you should be aware that others might well use the front seat for an extra child. FF child, push the passenger seat back. But personally I'd stick to home or park and keep distracting your youngest, there's no need to taking friends out to softplay or anything.

Fridasfridgefreezer · 16/04/2018 08:30

SMOG is smug mothers of girls I think.

Original poster
drspouse · 16/04/2018 08:41

3stone
Under 12s go in the back.
I've realised everyone is under a major misapprehension here which is that I can leave my DS and a friend to play unsupervised. But I can't.
He's just not that sort of child. They manage 10 minutes or so then need intervention/help/suggestions, often quite hands on.
And DD is only 3 - she'll play happily on her own if I'm home, but wants to muscle in if DS has a friend, so if I have to intervene with DS, she's in there wanting to take part.

OP posts:
MonsteraDeliciosa · 16/04/2018 08:52

You're creating your own divide by using words like SMOG. Why would mothers of girls be any more smug that mothers of boys? We're all just parents Confused.

I have 5 DC (in two batches: 3 together, gap, then 2!) I never noticed this and didn't let having other children get in the way of one particular child having friends over.
I just did whatever I'd normally be doing with the other one(s) and let the child with the playdate get on with playing with their friend. Unfair to expect them to let younger children join in.

AChickenCalledKorma · 16/04/2018 08:54

It is legal for under 12s to travel in the front in a properly fitted car seat. So going out is not impossible.

Also playdates with very young children are always chaotic and stressful for the parents IME. And little brothers and sisters are inherently annoying to their siblings - it's just the way it is.

Original poster
drspouse · 16/04/2018 08:58

Well you may have noticed I also have a girl!
But no parent of a girl has ever asked DS for a playdate and all the ones we've suggested have met with excuses. And as I say maybe all the mums of girls I know are rude not smug.

Just curious though, have you read my last post Monstera, as I can't just let my DS get on with playing.

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 16/04/2018 09:02

Smog is a horrible phrase. What you describe is the normal ups and downs if child rearing. Perhaps move to somewhere where you can walk to school so the car thing isn't an issue Hmm

Unihorn · 16/04/2018 09:02

My 1 year old travels in a car seat in the front..? There's no such law.

Original poster
drspouse · 16/04/2018 09:18

lethal we do walk to school - it's if we want to take the DCs out somewhere with a friend.
It's a lot easier to let DS play with his friends without intervention at somewhere like the park or soft play. And I can't guarantee the weather!

Uni it's the general advice for safety and I am not happy taking my DCs in the front so I wouldn't ask another parent if I could take theirs.

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 16/04/2018 09:18

SMOG? WTAF?

You think parents are smug (or even rude) because they haven't invited your son for a playdate?

Original poster
drspouse · 16/04/2018 09:30

No, because they have dodged the issue when we've asked them for a playdate.
Either they know their child doesn't like my child (despite them playing fine together in the park, though I accept they may get home and their child may say "gosh that juniorspouse, he's horrible") and don't want to say, or they think it's too much of a risk to have my boy playing with their girl simply because he's a boy, and he might be rough/inappropriate/want to do different things.
All the parents of boys that I've asked have agreed to playdates.
None of the parents of girls that I've asked have agreed.

OP posts:
Chosenbyyou · 16/04/2018 09:36

Mine eldest is three so no school yet but really?!!!

I thought the school gate was just to drop kids off at?

I'm not the least bit interested in anyone else or their situation?! Does this suddenly happen when you get to a school gate?

:)

CrochetBelle · 16/04/2018 09:37

Or it's just a coincidence, that possibly the child/parent doesn't really like him/you?

zzzzz · 16/04/2018 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsPreston11 · 16/04/2018 09:40

I'm so glad my kids go to the school they do. All these dramas that seem to exist at MN schools which don't need to be an issue at all.

I don't have any younger ones anymore (youngest is in YR) but when we go for post drop-off/pre-pick up coffees it's either at houses of people with younger ones, or at our local café which has a soft play.

SpartacusTheCat · 16/04/2018 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 16/04/2018 09:42

People with 2 kids at school used to have one at school and one not at school too so I'm confused why you think they are so different to you.

Yes, a 3 year old will want to play with the 5 year olds but while the play date is going on, just focus on her and let the boys get on with it.

zzzzz · 16/04/2018 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MacaroniPenguin · 16/04/2018 09:51

I think you are taking this all way too seriously. With girls I think some parents are less inclined to pursue playdates with boys, yes - stressing SOME parents - but it's nothing to do with smugness.

Isn't it a bit hypocritical to judge/ take offence at some parents for not accepting playdates or inviting your son, when you owe several return playdates yourself?

If you don't want to do playdates then don't. They are not compulsory. But if you want to, then JFDI and muddle through as best you can, 3 year old and all. And don't give any headspace to politics/perceived rudeness because child X's mum hasn't initiated a playdate. That way madness lies. Keep activities simple and clean and occupy toddler nearby. My youngest spent a lot of time "helping" in the kitchen while I kept an eye on the older ones in the living room, chipped in verbally and unstuck the odd bit of lego for them, or found the right colour hama bead, or told them where the instructions were. I refuse to believe your house is so unique that it's not physically possible for you to manage 3 children in it. One more than the children you have always feels like a challenge but you muddle through.