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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you agree about the great school gate divide?

113 replies

drspouse · 15/04/2018 23:05

No it's not working/SAHPs or middle class/working class or older/younger parents or even SMOGs vs the rest of us.
It's those with an only or youngest in R/KS1 and those with a hanger on toddler or preschooler!
I'm in the latter category and we've lost all DS preschool friends as they all went to different schools, so we're trying to do playdates.
But I find it really hard to have 2 excited 6 year olds plus a whiny 3 year old who is too young for their games. So I keep having to say "not that day... No not then either as I'll have DD". I owe 3 or 4 now I think. Plus activities - trying to keep DD occupied during DS lesson.
Also those that work part time but have no younger ones or a portable baby are always heading off for a grown-up coffee after drop off, while I have Miss Fidgetybottom who doesn't want to be dragged to grown-up places.

OP posts:

DamnThatOnesTakenTryAnother · 17/04/2018 22:34

Hmmm SMOG here I guess.... 19 months between them. If DD1 has a friend round both kids play with DD2 and vice versa. Created a nice big friendship group which spans 5 school years and they all look out for each other. Never would have occured to me or the eldest not to let the youngest join in when she had a friend round and the friends always expected it.

OP your post makes it sound like you struggle with 2 kids though and I would always refuse to let someone look after my kid if they don't seem to be competent. Thats irrelevent of the persons child/gender/how much my kid likes their kid.

civildisobedient · 18/04/2018 07:16

Why is there no room in your car for 3?do you have a convertible? No way to trade it in for an older car with 5 seats?

Sennelier1 · 18/04/2018 08:56

Are you sure you are talking about regular playdates? Because it sounds more like organizing birthday parties 😊With regular playdates my (now grown-up) children (22 months apart) would just play like they always did, only one of them had a friend over. And I would do what I always did, only with a child extra 😊 In case of siblings I would often invite those too of course, but it wasn't a problem if only one child had a friend over. What does your DD does on those afternoon she's not in daycare? Well then, she can do just that when her brother has a playdate, no?

Original poster

drspouse · 18/04/2018 10:15

What does your DD does on those afternoon she's not in daycare?

One day she has swimming lessons as does DS and one day she plays with DS/I take them out somewhere (usually just the park if nice).
I'm not sure why you think it's like having a birthday party?
I'm not the one who's saying "oh you have to organise activities for them to do for the duration of the playdate".
If I'm home with the two of them, they play together (I wouldn't say "nicely" but they try), we do some baking, I play a board game with DS while DD plays, I do some homework with DS, that kind of thing.
If you actually, you know read my posts (and those of others with similar children) you'll see why it doesn't work that well to expect DD to play with DS and his friend. She wants to, and they don't deliberately exclude her (again, read my posts) but it just doesn't work.

I would always refuse to let someone look after my kid if they don't seem to be competent.
Gosh thanks for your confidence in my abilities. It's funny how all the mums of boys seem to think I'm competent but the mums of girls don't? Do they have some special knowledge the mums of boys don't?

civil read my post about about putting children in the front.

OP posts:

minipie · 18/04/2018 10:17

Oh dear OP, I think you'd have found more sympathy if you'd started with something like "AIBU to find playdates hard work" or "AIBU to envy mums whose kids are all at school" or similar... you set yourself up for a bashing with the whole "great divide" stance...

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 18/04/2018 10:20

😂😂😂

The great school gate divide?? That’s not a thing. Not as you describe it anyway.

Sennelier1 · 18/04/2018 14:38

drspouse, I did read your posts, but you obviously didn't read my answer/suggestion : I didn't tell you younger children can easily play with older siblings and their friends! I asked about your DD's activities, meaning she could just go on doing these while her brother has a friend over. For my comparison with a birthday-party : I only ment to say that for regular playdates you could just let it play out like it comes. After all, it's only an extra child in the house, an extra sandwich to prepare. And yes, sometimes it works to have the little one do something with the others, but more often it doesn't. I think younger children should learn that sometimes they can't join in. I'm the oldest of 7 and haven't had any childhood at all, forced to drag-along my younger siblings and that included leaving my friends because a younger sibling wanted to play something else, needed a meal or a fresh diaper. So don't think I don't know what I'm talking about😞

Haudyerwheesht · 18/04/2018 14:51

Tbh if you said ‘oh I’ve got dd too that day’ as a reason you couldn’t do a play date I’d assume you didn’t want to do the play date at all.

I have a son and daughter and they’ve just had to fit in with the other occasionally when it comes to play dates - that’s life I’m afraid and you just have to get on with it.

You seem very ..... resistant to finding a solution and determined to think you have it harder than everyone else! I’d imagine people think you’re disingenuous in wanting a play date at all or are a total stress head and can’t be arsed with the drama.

PerspicaciaTick · 18/04/2018 15:55

Ive got a DS and am wondering why you are intent on making such a meal out of a playmate.
Not only are you coming up with reason upon reason why doing playdates doesn't suit you (fair enough they aren't everyone's cup of tea) but you also seem very cross about the other parents. It all seems very, very hard work.

Deidre21 · 18/04/2018 18:44

Why don’t you just enjoy the time with your child.

Hellsbellscockleshells · 18/04/2018 18:55

Agree totally with @Haudyerwheesht you sound like you are really making hard work if and if you don’t really like or want play dates this is your prerogative your DC may well lose out but your choice. I have a DS and DD 14 months apart it wasn’t always easy sometimes one had a play date sometimes both did sometimes it went brilliantly sometimes their was hassle as someone felt upset or left out it’s part of life (any problems were quickly resolved and mostly my two played well with each other and other children).

heymammy · 18/04/2018 19:19

It really just sounds like your ds isn't ready for playdates so I would tell him no, the next time he asks and if he asks why then I'd simply explain that it's because the last time he had a friend over they couldn't play nicely together so he'll need to wait until until he's older.

Nothing wrong with telling a kid the truth. If you want to give him another chance say yes you can have df over but if I have to supervise you playing then it won't happen again.

Dd is a red herring in this situation.

RealRamona · 18/04/2018 19:40

You owe 'three or four playdates?'.

So you're ok to accept them from others (with equally tricky dynamics) but not return them because your own set up is hard work?

This says a lot.

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