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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
NellythePink · 15/04/2018 19:58

IBiscuit - I wasn't really talking about OP's husband, just making the point that some porn is OK, and we shouldn't assume that it is all abusive and horrible.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 19:58

'Porn is rape'
Ridiculous statement, and a complete insult to women who have been raped.

boymum9 · 15/04/2018 19:58

I'm going to express my views coming from the background of watching porn myself, husband watches it, it's not an issue in our relationship.
I think a lot of issue can come from if someone doesn't watch porn themselves (which of course is totally fine!!) because when you do I think you come to realise that it's not a huge deal, it's kind of a tool (without sounding crass) and from my personal point of view it's not in anyway a replacement for my DH, I don't find him any less attractive, I don't fancy or love him less. Also issues could arise I guess if you've not set out clear boundaries of what you expect in your relationship, if you have such a hard stance against it, has it not come up in conversation before where you've said it's not something you're happy with?

Elendon · 15/04/2018 19:59

I'm aghast that people who watch porn think that all porn is consensual.

Lockheart · 15/04/2018 19:59

Whether or not partners tolerate porn in their relationship is entirely down to the partners in question and is not something we can answer for you. It is up to you, and no-one else, if you want to tolerate it or not.

You were extremely out of order to throw water in his face, and you need to apologise. If my partner ever threw water in my face and then threw me out because he disagreed with something I'd watched, I'd leave him without question.

AmazingGrace16 · 15/04/2018 19:59

OP this was me a few months ago. The thing that hurt me most was the secrecy and the fact our sex life was non existent. I didn't kick him out but I was very upset.
We had a long chat but it does still hurt a bit tbh.

Eveforever · 15/04/2018 19:59

I've never heard porn described as rape before, have I missed something?

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:00

Lockheart - I think you are right. That's what it will have to come down to.

OP posts:
hdh747 · 15/04/2018 20:00

You were out of order with the water.
As for porn, I really can't get my head around why anyone is turned on by watching other people be abused or exploited for money. That's all porn is in the main. Not to mention the unrealistic expectations it sets up. Has no ever read up on the misery that pron causes?

  • Between 66% to 90% of women in the sex industry were sexually abused as children
  • 89% of women in the sex industry said they wanted to escape, but had no other means for survival
  • Women in the sex industry experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at rates equivalent to veterans of combat war (69%)
Suicide rates and drug over-doses are rising. Ethical porn - a tiny drop in the ocean, and since it's not free most people won't buy it.

'Oh, I'm cool I watch it too' - sorry sisters I aren't buying it, you got sucked up in the whole, women have to be just like men to be equal bollocks.

Elendon · 15/04/2018 20:00

I've been raped.

Am I ridiculous?

Rainysummersday · 15/04/2018 20:00

Unfortunately most men of a certain age seem to watch porn. I’ve only met a couple of men in my life who are genuinely disgusted by it (and I believe them)

Snugglywithmycat17 · 15/04/2018 20:00

I think u need to lighten up! I think at least 80% of males watch porn or look at naked pictures at some point. He is entitled to do what he wants. Men are very visual when it comes to sex. It does not mean he thinks any less of you. He is not disrespecting u in any way unless he’s making u act like a porn star in bed???? In fact him watching these videos might make him better in bed??
U need to call him and apologise and in a few days u need to have a frank conversation about how u feel. U were very unreasonable for throwing water in his face and u should be ashamed of yourself.

iBiscuit · 15/04/2018 20:00

Dear God this thread must be primarily made up of some kind of porn hound sockpuppetry.

adaline · 15/04/2018 20:00

I think people are getting too obsessed with the water ... it wasn't a vat of acid or a hand grenade, it was water, no doubt thrown because at the time OP got very upset and hurt.

Right, so if your husband found you doing something that upset him, would it be okay for him to chuck a glass of water in your face? What if your DC upset him, could they get water chucked in their faces too?

Llanali · 15/04/2018 20:01

So what will you tell DC if you don’t?

‘Your dad had something on his phone from ages ago, that I don’t like. I hadn’t ever told him I don’t like it, he didn’t try to deceive me, but I’ve shoved him, thrown water at him and barred him from the house, so mum and dad are separating’

Does that sound reasonable to you?

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:01

boymum9 - It was more the context, the surprise of it. I just didn't expect to see that today.

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/04/2018 20:01

@Elendon seriously? porn is rape? You're either deluded or stupid.

Saying things like that is an insult to the victims of rape.

Lellikelly26 · 15/04/2018 20:01

I don’t think you’re overreacting I wouldn’t like it either. I don’t think porn is good for the women in the industry and those who say it is are gaslighting.
I wouldn’t feel insecure about your husband though, I don’t think he sees it as doing anything bad to you

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 20:01

elendon the vast majority of legal porn IS consensual! The men and women are ACTORS who are getting paid. What don't you understand about this?

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:02

Smuggly - I think you might be right.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 20:02

'Elendon I'm very sorry you went through that- but it is skewing your view.

Llanali · 15/04/2018 20:03

I don’t think it’s all consensual @elendon

Nor do I think it’s all non consensual.

Not all sex is consensual; does that mean no one should ever engage in sex at all? Even if theirs is a consensual encounter?

Sammy901 · 15/04/2018 20:03

WTF, porn is rape.

What a ridiculous statement.

Alittlesandwich · 15/04/2018 20:03

Elendon, seriously, stop with the all porn is rape mantra.

It's offensive, inaccurate and eradicates any chance of meaningful debate.

And hdh747, just because YOU don't like it, you don't get to say if others should or shouldn't. I don't understand people who only have sex once a week in the missionary position but each to their own, eh?

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:03

Lellikelly26 - thanks for that, genuinely

OP posts: