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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
Elendon · 15/04/2018 19:49

The person who watches porn in the house needs to apologise and sort out examples to their children.

In my opinion.

Porn viewers are watching rape. That's the bottom line. You are watching rape.

YoloSwaggins · 15/04/2018 19:50

Isn't "fiesty" just a nice way to say "controlling"

Bit like "curvy" and "fat"

adaline · 15/04/2018 19:50

Why are you so angry with the people pointing out that you've assaulted your husband? Your behaviour is vile and if someone did that to me because I was watching something they disliked, our relationship would be over.

As for the porn - some like it, some don't, some don't care. I don't watch it myself but it's not a dealbreaker if a partner likes it, so long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life.

HintUp · 15/04/2018 19:50

I think it's utterly disgusting. I wouldn't tolerate it all.

MrMeSeeks · 15/04/2018 19:51

This 'cool wives' shit is really pissing me off. Does it ever occur to some of you that men AND women sometimes enjoy porn? It's not just a male issue.
Yep the wives who have no problem with it are bowing down to their partners Hmm

Op i have no problem with it, no problem with people who hate it.
I don’t think he owed you an aplogy, he did nothing wrong.
He didn't know you’d have a problem with it.
You owe him a massive apology though.
If my dh did that to me i’m not sure i’d forgive him.

Mamabear1475 · 15/04/2018 19:51

Lol @elendon how the hell do you know if they want to do it or not? Are you friends with lots of pornstars who have been forced to do it?

Serialweightwatcher · 15/04/2018 19:51

I think people are getting too obsessed with the water ... it wasn't a vat of acid or a hand grenade, it was water, no doubt thrown because at the time OP got very upset and hurt. People who are okay with porn won't probably understand that, but I presume OP can't understand how people can be okay with it - it obviously very much upset her and hurt her more than a bit of water hurt him.

Elendon · 15/04/2018 19:51

Then I won't be losing out in life. Grin

Who wants to be with a man who watches rape?

Zeelove · 15/04/2018 19:51

Susan- I really do agree that Women should stand up for themselves. And it's important to show your feelings. But would you be ok with your daughters husband throwing water in her for doing something in her private time that wasn't hurting anyone?

Likewise would you be ok with someone doing it to your son.
I know I would be fuming if someone did it to my son. Sad

NellythePink · 15/04/2018 19:52

@iBiscuit - porn directed by women for women is becoming more widespread. These films are not free (making their money from Internet advertising) but usually involve paying a subscription. Lots of porn is hideous, but it is wrong to assume that it all is. Ethical porn can definitely play a positive role in the sex lives of woman and couples.

MrMeSeeks · 15/04/2018 19:52

Chucking water in another adult's face is rather trivial in comparison.
I guarantee if op posted that her dh had done that in an argument people people would be saying lose ltb

Elendon · 15/04/2018 19:53

TipTopHat

At what age would you introduce porn to your children?

Porn is rape.

DamsonOnThisDress · 15/04/2018 19:53

Op did he know you were so vehemently against it?

Tbh it sounds like you aren't actually sure yourself how you feel about it and it was just the shock.

Tbf if you're looking for nice family pics and come across that when you're least expecting it you would be taken aback!

Everyone has a different opinion on porn but a lot have no issue so although you were shocked I hope you can see he's not some kind of deviant. For a lot of folk it's perfectly normal.

His reaction - lack of apology - may be because he is in the 'this is no big deal camp' and he didn't realise you would have such extreme feelings towards it.

Take time to work out how you feel about it and talk with him.

Llanali · 15/04/2018 19:55

How should he have known to apologise when you’ve never told him you don’t like it and he’s never agreed not to watch it?

Why should he hide it if you’ve never said you don’t like it? (Not that he should hide it, but if it’s not an issue he would have no reason to).

Why would your daughter be going through his phone?

Why is «I downloaded it ages ago» an excuse not a reason/response?

And get your story straight..... are you here to «just ask if other people tolerate it» or because your main issue is that DD might find it?

And I’m intrigued; what will you do if he comes home? Will you ‘allow’ him back?

spanky2 · 15/04/2018 19:55

Elendon the women get paid to act in legal porn.
Rape is when you have said no and the other person has sex with you anyway.

Elendon · 15/04/2018 19:55

Mamabear

How do you know it's not rape?

iBiscuit · 15/04/2018 19:55

Nelly, what are the chances that this man has subscribed to some lesbian porn cooperative, Vs one of the many alternative sources?

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:56

LLanali - I don't know - it's a bit of everything.

OP posts:
Sammy901 · 15/04/2018 19:56

ibicus ‘devaluing your body’ by the op husband watching some porn.. never heard such shit in my life😂💩

OP, it’s abit comical you going around telling people there not nice when your the one that sounds pretty darn nasty!

Mamabear1475 · 15/04/2018 19:56

@Elendon how do you know it is rape? Clearly you must know everybody in the porn industry Grin

Alittlesandwich · 15/04/2018 19:57

Can we please stop calling all porn rape.

How utterly offensive to rape victims.

MephistophelesApprentice · 15/04/2018 19:57

Well, the legal documentation kept on file and regularly reviewed by lawyers and law enforcement is a pretty good indication.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:57

LLanali - we often borrow each other's phones. I don't know if I'll let him back in. That's why I'm on here. I just don't know.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 15/04/2018 19:57

i was a similar situation to op. I was pregnant with first DC,,and went into office to start clearing it out as we were converting it to become a nursery. I found a bag of porn magazines (pre-Internet days) which I later found out a customer had gave him. I was (and still am) horrified that first he had accepted them, and secondly he hadn't got rid of them.

I remeber that I had to,get out of,the house as I was so upset,,and went for a walk.

I agree that op's reaction was over the top, but I can understand where it stems from. You need to,sit and discuss this, and explain how much you dislike porn .

(Nb, we're still,together and DC is now a teen).

Llanali · 15/04/2018 19:58

@elendon

I am certainly not watching rape. Don’t you dare accuse me of that.

And on that note; OP, you really don’t get to tell people when to stop posting if you don’t like their answers. This is a public forum. It doesn’t work that way!