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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
Graphista · 15/04/2018 20:03

I call bullshit on the name change - or else op would not have been shocked at swearing and trying to police thread.

I also call reverse based on tone, username and who op is "thanking" (those agreeing porn is ok and wife's reaction ott).

lifechangesforever · 15/04/2018 20:03

What an overreaction.

voddiekeepsmesane · 15/04/2018 20:04

OK Jerry I understand this is a deal breaker for you. BUT you have said that you have never actually had the discussion with your DH. So having said that you NOW have that conversation ...he is not a mind reader. He can either accept that you will not tolerate porn or leave...his choice. I personally don't like porn for many reasons ( I used to but things changed)

boymum9 · 15/04/2018 20:04

No I do get that, of course I think most people would have been like "Er, What the f?!" When it wasn't something they expected to see. But he was honest and open about it, that's a good thing! I think maybe you should apologise to him though...! Like I said, in our house porn is not an issue, but I understand you being taken back by it and hope you're ok!

Situp · 15/04/2018 20:05

Can we please stop calling all porn rape. How utterly offensive to rape victims

This

ConciseandNice · 15/04/2018 20:05

You’re aghast @elendon that people don’t think all porn is rape??!! Sure some of it is rape. Not ALL porn is rape. That’s the point. You said ALL porn is rape. Porn is rape. That is fucking absurd. Pun intended. And yes I’ve been raped, like you. Just to add.

Alicatz66 · 15/04/2018 20:05

I think you have massively over reacted .. it's not like you found he was having an affair. It's only a bit of porn ... stop being so prim and apologise !!!

OnionKnight · 15/04/2018 20:06

I'm aghast that people who don't watch porn think that all porn is non-consensual.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:06

Thank you voddie

OP posts:
Elendon · 15/04/2018 20:06

Don't fucking preach to me with you 'religious' views on porn

InSpacenooneCanHearYouScream

Porn is like a religion. If anyone dare question it you are deemed hysterical.

How can anyone who watches porn be sure they are watching consensual sex?

If the answer is: I don't know

Then you are watching rape.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 15/04/2018 20:06

'Oh, I'm cool I watch it too' - sorry sisters I aren't buying it, you got sucked up in the whole, women have to be just like men to be equal bollocks.

There’s nothing for you to “buy”. If you can’t fathom that women watch and enjoy porn too the problem lies with you and your sex life.

Prettylovely · 15/04/2018 20:07

I wouldn't like it personally not everyone does. You will have to talk it through and see where to go from there.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:07

Alicatz66. I will think about it. I don't think I do want many years of marriage and an otherwise happy (I think) marriage to end over this.

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 20:07

hdh you are talking shit. Women who use porn find it a turn on in the same way men do. Simple as that. Sorry to disappoint.

Elendon · 15/04/2018 20:08

So you agree that some porn is rape then?

How do you know that the porn you are watching is consensual sex?

MrMeSeeks · 15/04/2018 20:08

Right, so if your husband found you doing something that upset him, would it be okay for him to chuck a glass of water in your face? What if your DC upset him, could they get water chucked in their faces too?
Yes all the posts sAying its nothing yet if it was a woman posting the answers would be completely different Hmm

By all means have a talk ( a calm one), but not letting him back in is over the top ( along with everything else).
You can not like porn,( not all do, it’s perfectly fine) but its unfair to have done what you did and then refuse to let him back when he had no idea this would even upset you.
What if he did it to you over something you watched?
Have a calm conversation with him.

Alittlesandwich · 15/04/2018 20:08

Hmm..this thread has made me want to watch a bit of porn..

pornlover · 15/04/2018 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/04/2018 20:09

elendon eh? What ARE you on about now? Religion?

SlideAway82 · 15/04/2018 20:10

If my DH told me what I could look at on MY phone and then threw a glass of water over me for not obeying......well he'd never see me again.

seventh · 15/04/2018 20:10

There's something very weird about this thread. Not real imo.

Mamabear1475 · 15/04/2018 20:10

This is why threads like these are made. So people start debating amongst themselves and it turns into something completely dfferent. ALL PORN IS NOT FUCKING RAPE. I was sexually abused by a family member for nearly all of my childhood.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 20:11

MrMeSeeks - that is probably the most sensible thing to do. Now don't all jump down my throat about what I'm like, I know throwing water in someone's face is technically assault. It wasn't my finest hour, and this nonsense wasn't his either.

OP posts:
Sammy901 · 15/04/2018 20:11

*If the answer is: I don't know

Then you are watching rape*

What a ridiculous statement.

hdh747 · 15/04/2018 20:11

Actually, aliitlesandwich, I think I do have a right to an opinion on other poeple's behaviour, if that behaviour is exploitaitive and harmful to others. And yes I do believe that watching unethically made porn (and most of it is) is immoral.
I'm not some prude who gives a flying fuck about other people shagging and being watched, fine go round your neighbours and ask them if they'll let you watch - at least I would know it was fully conensual.
It's not different to commenting on the fact that I think it is immoral for people to buy clothes made by kids in a third world country. I can't stop everyone doing it but I can voice my disapproval and hope that a few people will look beyond their own desires and find out why there is moral outrage.