AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

[JerryLarryTerryGarry]

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

So now it’s not the porn itself but the fact your dd could have access to it on his phone? Set some boundaries! Children shouldn’t be routing through their parents phones. Total invasion of privacy.

Clearly she is not bothered about assaulting him. Since she seems to be avoiding that completely. For get about throwing the water. You shoved him and said you were holding back. What would happen if yoyndidnt hold back then OP?
Great example your setting for your dd

I doubt he will want to come back, so our responses are probably irrelevent. If my partner threw water in my face and threw me out, I would run, not walk.

The problem was his phone is not locked - 12 year old DD could have seen it. That's my problem.

If that was your problem, you would have said so in the OP.

Can you articulate what precisely it is about porn/this porn/porn in the context of your relationship/husband you are having this reaction to? I think it's a completely fair reaction btw, I've been the same. But I am because I think it's worth working out in yourself what your specific issues are so that you can discuss them with your husband.

There are a lot of very valid feminist arguments against most/all porn, that your husband may be unaware of and sympathetic to. But equally your perception of what porn is and means to him, and what it means to you as a couple, may be very different to his perception.

If you can get to the root of why you dislike porn and why he uses it then that would probably be the best thing to come from this. You'll probably find you've both made assumptions about why the other feels the way they do, and that those assumptions are more damaging to your relationship than reality!

Mama DD doesn't know anything about it. I don't care to hear your opinion anymore

In these discussions, often women object to porn more because they are controlling and insecure rather than giving a damn about the ethics.

SOME women do object on ethical grounds and I respect their views even if I disagree. Women who simply don't wan " their " men looking at other women, not so much.

The OP is, I suspect , of the latter persuasion.

Also - hiding porn or use of is a massive dealbreaker to me.

The law (and most normal people) doesn't care if it HURT. Abuse doesn't have to cause injury to be abuse.

I'm astounded that you think it's acceptable, you seem to be very shoulder shrug about your actions.

If I spat in your face it wouldn't hurt either - hideously abusive though.

Rat - it's just that it was so visible. That's the problem

Lots of cool wives here today.
Throwing a glass of water over him may not have been the most mature reaction but it's hardly assault.
Suggest he watches 'hot girls wanted' on Netflix and see if he still thinks porn is harmless.

How many people have access to his phone?

Bitch - I am saying it now

With that turn of phrase, you could star in a few pornos yourself.

So visible you had to search through his phone?

Just ask him to delete it is it bothers you that much. I am guessing you clicked them open to see what they were, why didn't you delete them.

What alittlesandwich said. Exactly.

Alittlesandwich - he gave me the phone, actually left me with it. Read the OP

But it’s his phone so your 12 yr old shouldn’t just be picking it up when she wants and going through his pics/videos!

You went way over the top, you assaulted him and then kicked him out, I’m guessing you haven’t actually said you hate porn that much as your saying it’s never come up before so how was he to know your would go psycho on him?!

Oh and I watch porn, more then my partner. He also watches porn. It’s not a problem for me and I don’t expect to be told if I can/cannot watch porn either.

A 12yr old would know better to go on their dad’s phone without permission i’d hope? That wouldn’t be a problem or a concern, passcode or not he could reasonably have assumed his phone would be private except potentially from his partner depending on your relationship.

That was me holding back big time

Wow - abusive and threatening. i hope for his sake he doesn't come back. Regardless of people's opinion on porn your reaction was not OK.

If you'd never had the conversation, why would he be ashamed or defensive? From his perspective, he was honest and transparent about something he never considered more than a private element of his sexuality, you flipped your shit, attacked him and drove him out the house!

More than a little unreasonable to be honest. None of my partners have ever had a problem with porn. Stop being weak and insecure.

Womery - didn't click on anything they were right there. And now deleted