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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
UpSideDownBrain · 16/04/2018 10:01

Good thing the OP threw that glass of water, isn't it? Because otherwise people might actually have to stop and think about the porn industry. This way they can focus on the iniquity of the OP's behaviour.

^ Yep.

OP - only you know what you can live with in terms of his porn use.
If you decide you can live with it, maybe you could at least agree on him viewing ethical porn from now on.
If you can't live with it, you are not alone - lot's of people don't look at any porn and do not want to be with people who do.

digestOfDigest · 16/04/2018 10:04

@TammySwansonTwo

There are ways of objecting and throwing your drink at someone before shoving them out of the house is not reasonable or normal.

I'm starting to get a funny feeling about the OP. They're now worried for the children when originally the anger was because of the porn. Added on to talking about fearing for her safety after she got physical just doesn't seem right.

Objecting is fine. What the OP did isn't. Stop victim blaming.

Stirner · 16/04/2018 10:06

The OP sounds abusive and controlling her husband would be well rid.

derxa · 16/04/2018 10:16

At least the grass was cut.

BuggerBugger · 16/04/2018 10:22

At least the grass was cut

I think the porn is a red herring. The stripes on the lawn weren't straight and thats what tipped the OP over the edge....

TammySwansonTwo · 16/04/2018 10:27

Victim blaming?! Jesus Christ. Thanks for proving my point.

digestOfDigest · 16/04/2018 10:28

"Thanks for proving my point."

You think you made one?

Myheartbelongsto · 16/04/2018 10:29

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iBiscuit · 16/04/2018 10:35

Sure thing, MyHeart. Mumsnet - By porn apologists, for porn apologists Hmm

Lilymossflower · 16/04/2018 10:45

I find tinfoil. Don't listen to the people on here telling you your over reacting.

It's disgusting

Myheartbelongsto · 16/04/2018 10:49

If you throw water in someone's face for watching porn that is an over reaction. Then she followed with pushing him out the door. She has no right to do that or put her hands on him.

idobelieveinfairies86 · 16/04/2018 11:18

@helmet oh dear you are looking for an arguement aren't you? Well that's fine, I'll bite, I'm exactly in the right mood for people like you love.

As you so kindly highlighted my post then could u please point to where I said all woman LOVED IT? Oh, that's right you can't because like all people who have nothing constructive to say they start lying and deliberately reading things that are not there.
Enjoy my research? You really are stretching now haha. I did not enjoy the research I had to do, it was a task that needed to be done for educational purposes not my own pleasure you sicko so stop implying shit you know nothing about. I often wonder how people who automatically think of everything as sexual can be so hypocritical because for your mind to wonder straight to my sexual gratification is quiet weird and sick.
You research certain cateogries of porn=you get pleasure out of hard-core porn, 10 yo wears short skirt or bikini or padded bra = parents dressing their kids up as little sluts or pedo bait! Well I have news for you people who scream sexualisation are the 1s with the sick dirty mind that leaps to SEX SEX SEX at every possible opportunity!

Childrenofthestones · 16/04/2018 11:21

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Stirner · 16/04/2018 11:24

@Lilymossflower "I find tinfoil. Don't listen to the people on here telling you your over reacting.

It's disgusting" - wah wah people on the Internet disagree with me

idobelieveinfairies86 · 16/04/2018 11:39

@ibiscuit have you actually seen rape fantasy porn? It is exactly the same as the fantasies that ALOT of woman have but a visual aid rather than a mental 1.

There is however a difference between rape fantasy porn and blatant rape porn which unfortunately is rife on certain sites (or though thankfully they get shut down quite quickly).

I think alot of people get outraged by some porn because they automatically see 1 person call it hard-core porn when it is not its just 'porn' porn.
Lesbian porn/gay porn/blow jobs/squirting where you can see the acts being preformed is NOT hard-core porn (it's not soft core either, its just porn) and has it's own categories.
Hard-core porn is more your rough porn, bdsm etc which is why it's under the category Hard core.

I would have no problem with rape fantasy porn being banned, as it sets a precedent for people to misunderstand (as you have kindly shown) and actually the lines start to blur into dangerous territory very quickly at this point. However, my comment was in response to someone who said how can you be sure it's consensual? Well it's fairly obvious and then gave the example I did.

Porn CAN be used in a healthy way, it is not all or nothing and I absolutely agree that watching porn to the extent it impacts on other things like a RL sex life is something that needs dealing with. However, I will not ever hold with this theory that porn creates rapists or serial killers because it is just an excuse! If we ban porn because it creates the above then we need to ban alcohol because that might create an abuser or hand out pills to every woman every month because the hormones (pms) might turn them into evil pixies on crack that go around beating/screaming at their poor partners, Again just pathetic excuses that funnily enough is always used by the perpetrator to excuse their actions and their victims who have been conditioned to believe it!

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2018 11:40

Ah, the old "women work in the sex industry because they love sex" narrative.

KittyVonCatsworth · 16/04/2018 12:38

If you can go into a little bit more detail on the lesbian porn thing....asking for a friend who doesn’t want it to appear in their history Wink

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 12:38

I had to research rape fantasy a while back and stumbled across rape fantasy porn. The things that I saw were NOT rape. They were acts preformed on very consenting women who couldn't act even a little bit. It may have started out with a bit of "oh no no" but everytime within 30 seconds these woman had forgotten that they were supposed to be protesting and were all moaning away like, well porn stars.

You had to 'research' rape-fantasy, and while doing that you just happened to 'stumble' across rape fantasy porn? Still you found the women were pretending not to enjoy it, but after a few seconds they were all moaning away having a brilliant time?

What have I misunderstood here?

From your subsequent incoherent rants, I find it worrying that you work in a research-based profession.

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2018 12:48

“Porn CAN be used in a healthy way,”

Possibly. However, it can’t be made in a healthy way.

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 12:59

Exactly Bertrand.

I'll wait for ido to qualify her statement, it promises to be rather illuminating along with the reply to your post...

ThePants999 · 16/04/2018 13:03

OP - since you don't seem to be particularly swayed by the massive number of people telling you how unreasonable you're being, please at least do him the favour of showing him this thread, so he understands that he's the normal one and you're not.

In other news, can anyone suggest a way to fix the damage that I'm pretty sure reading Elendon's posts has done to my brain?

welshmist · 16/04/2018 13:17

I threw husbands dinner at him once, he ducked, but have you ever tried cleaning dried baked potato and gravy off a wall. My Mother threw a bag of sugar at my Father once, I had to clean it up, sugar goes a long long way. All those having the vapours at a glass of water much easier to clean up. The Fifty shades of grey books, which I never could read because fake rape, bdsm and the like scare the bejaysus out of me, even faux type violence frightens me. I really cannot cope with it.

DixieFlatline · 16/04/2018 13:19

Ah, a scroll through the thread reveals that iBiscuit called the sockpuppetry (or organised swarming, perhaps) well before I asked my question. Thank god for that, I suppose.

MaryMcCarthy · 16/04/2018 13:19

I have friends in great, fulfilled relationships who watch porn, I have friends in awful, unfulfilled relationships who watch porn. It’s ubiquitous. You can’t generalise at all.

Your reaction is therefore very unreasonable.

And your later assertion that “the children seeing it” was your main concern is disingenuous and quite cowardly.

Take some responsibility for your insecurity and your worry that your husband is sexually unfulfilled. Try talking to him rather than petulantly, irrationally attacking him.

Kirta · 16/04/2018 13:20

even faux type violence frightens me

Yet you lobbed a dinner at your husband? Hmm