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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

853 replies

JerryLarryTerryGarry · 15/04/2018 19:03

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

OP posts:
LimonViola · 16/04/2018 09:22

So it's not actually about the fact he watched that porn, it's the fact it was in a place where you could easily see it?

Then that's easy to resolve, OP. You apologise for your behaviour, and ask that he keeps his porn somewhere where you're unlikely to stumble across it. Put a passcode on his phone or create a folder in his pictures for it, so it's not in the main album when you're scrolling.

Would that resolve it?

Sallystyle · 16/04/2018 09:22

Throw a glass of water - shock horror - assault! OMG! Poor DH!
But if he watches porn - despite all the huge amounts evidence of the massive abuse that occurs every day in that industry - somehow that type of abuse is socially acceptable?

Yeah, it is very interesting.

Are you serious? You would throw your marriage away over this?

I would. However, dh knows that and he has strong feelings against it too. If porn is a big deal to you it is wise to discuss it quite early on then everyone knows where they stand.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 16/04/2018 09:24

Coco - thanks so much for that. I didn't want to say this I didn't exactly shove him out the door - he's a big guy. I wrote the post in shock really, as I after I threw the water I thought oh no, he could actually turn around and beat me to death now, which I know sounds dramatic and he's never been violent but for that split second I wondered but he just turned and went.

OP posts:
LimonViola · 16/04/2018 09:26

I don't understand that, OP. He has never been violent towards you. you commit an act of abuse against him, and then panic that he might retaliate by beating you to death? What? Is there some kind of serious deeper issue here?

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2018 09:30

Good thing the OP threw that glass of water, isn't it? Because otherwise people might actually have to stop and think about the porn industry. This way they can focus on the iniquity of the OP's behaviour.

idobelieveinfairies86 · 16/04/2018 09:31

@helmet woah back up, rewind and stop blatantly lying about what I said in my post.
I DID NOT say they loved it, I said they were NOT being raped and it was obvious that it was consensual. and for your information, you will be shocked at how many WOMAN are on the rape fantasy forums (let me give u a clue it's more than men in some forums and pretty equal in others).
I also DO NOT love porn so u can also stop trying to make out im some sort of porn addict thank u very much.
I have watched porn, I have watched it on my own as part of research I was doing at the time and I have watched it as part of a mutually consenting prelude to sex.
Do I love it? Not particularly. There is a difference between loving and enjoy and the 2 are not mutually exclusive.

But anyway if you can't stop lying about me or my posts then could u in the nice way possible fuck off as I have no patience for people like that and I would hate for my very thinnly spread patience to upset or offend you
x

jasmin93 · 16/04/2018 09:32

He is obviously sexually unfulfilled. Instead of addressing it to you like a normal full grown man, he downloads porn for his pleasure.
In my opinion, you two should finally have a serious sit down. Talk about what you want out of your sex life. Once you are more open to one another, you might understand why he is having porn on his phone.

I don't think your dd really is your problem, is it ? Even that your dh could "beat you to death" is so dramatic.
Maybe it's time to grow up, love ? Smile

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 16/04/2018 09:32

Bertrand - they've even posted links on prosecutions for throwing water. Honestly.

OP posts:
LimonViola · 16/04/2018 09:35

Yes, that was me. To provide some kind of balance to the ridiculous posts of 'oh come on, it's not assault'. Which it is.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 09:37

Your latest post OP actually shows that you don't seem to realise how problematic your behaviour was and you're still minimising. Which is a real shame, I feel for your husband and hope he has some time to think while he's away. You sound like someone I wouldn't risk being in a relationship with. You've learned nothing and cherry pick what you want to respond to based on what garners you the most sympathy (the post about being beaten to death a particular disgusting and melodramatic example).

I've said all that needs to be said from my behalf, it's futile to say any more. Your poor husband.

idobelieveinfairies86 · 16/04/2018 09:41

@OP Forget about the porn watching for a minute as obviously people have different opinions on the matter.

Your last post worries me really. It isn't really a typical reaction to have so I want to ask have you been in a violent relationship before? I think the crux of the matter here is possibly that you have some unresolved 'issue' regarding the way men treat women in relationships and possible found the whole situation a bit triggering??

I may be way off here but it last post coupled with some of the others reminded me very much of how I used to see the world when I left my ex and met my now husband.

You don't have to answer but if I'm right there are places that can help you come to terms with it all, like the freedom program, let's talk, etc
x

SimplySteve · 16/04/2018 09:42

I love the amount of amateur counselling going on in this thread...

Helmetbymidnight · 16/04/2018 09:43

I had to research rape fantasy a while back and stumbled across rape fantasy porn. The things that I saw were NOT rape. They were acts preformed on very consenting women who couldn't act even a little bit. It may have started out with a bit of "oh no no" but everytime within 30 seconds these woman had forgotten that they were supposed to be protesting and were all moaning away like, well porn stars.

This was your post. Enjoy your research on rape fantasy porn where the women all love it.

iBiscuit · 16/04/2018 09:46

He is obviously sexually unfulfilled

And that's OP's fault, is it? Hmm

idobelieve as you're such an expert, you'll be aware of the research demonstrating just how very far removed women's "rape fantasies" are from the rape portrayed and literally occurring in porn.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 16/04/2018 09:46

believe in fairies - I honestly don't think that's what it is. It was simply the shock of it - I didn't want to see that and I was surprised he did. It all flared up so quickly, from thinking I believe there is an explanation for this to him just very openly admitting it was him that downloaded it. We were talking at lunch about the different phones we all have and I know before we have passed them around comparing the quality of photo's.

What if we'd done that and DD or DS had seen them?

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 16/04/2018 09:47

after I threw the water I thought oh no, he could actually turn around and beat me to death now, which I know sounds dramatic and he's never been violent but for that split second I wondered but he just turned and went.

Shock

Jesus Christ. If that is where your mind runs to in the aftermath of upending a glass of water over him, I'd say you have far, far larger issues around trust with your husband than him watching porn.

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 16/04/2018 09:47

SimplySteve - to be honest, that's what I'm here for.

OP posts:
Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 16/04/2018 09:49

Butchy - I am just trying to explain what flashed through my mind. I'm on here for help

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 16/04/2018 09:54

So much gaslighting of women, to the point where some believe that men literally cannot survive without easy access to hardcore pornography. The reality of most of it is utterly vile, but if you express that you’re a controlling prude. Men are perfectly capable of masturbating without porn and it’s perfectly fine to object to your partner wanking over graphics footage of other women. What a bloody mess we are in where objecting to this is seen as out of order!

Original poster
JerryLarryTerryGarry · 16/04/2018 09:56

Thanks TammySwansonTwo - I think I am going to leave it there for now. I came on here looking for just such comments, but the vitriol from some is hard to take. I'm out.

OP posts:
sadie9 · 16/04/2018 09:57

It is understandable the OP might, for a split second, wonder if she was in danger from her DP, because she had suddenly discovered something about him that was hidden and shocking to her.
That was why there was such a sudden reaction. It does sound dramatic but it is a normal thought to go through your head when you realise the person you thought you knew, is not that person. In that moment, you think, what else are they capable of??
Chucking a glass of water over someone, that is a form of assault no matter what way you look at it.

Mickyj · 16/04/2018 09:59

I really feel for your husband. Can you say that you have never thought about another man and touched yourself? Porn is just a way of escapism and although there’s a lot of exploitation in the industry the chances are the same can be said for the clothes on your back, the food you buy and even the music you listen to. You can’t get away from it.

You sound like a very controlling person and you are lucky he just walked away. I think if I chucked a glass of water in my blokes face he would just laugh at me and refuse to leave.Ending your marriage over porn is ridiculous. We have all oggled the sex scenes in certain box sets and watch programs because we quite fancy a certain character. In fact there are even people making porn for charities and communities!!! - it’s not all bad- I have bought and donated. It brings about a certain excitement in our long term relationship watching it together :-)

Perhaps it’s worth having a conversation about what you both expect. You need to apologise for flying off the handle and talk things through properly and with respect.

Best of luck.

sadie9 · 16/04/2018 09:59

I'm with TammySwansonTwo on this one.

Childrenofthestones · 16/04/2018 10:00

Kimono viola wrote-

"I don't understand that, OP. He has never been violent towards you. you commit an act of abuse against him, and then panic that he might retaliate by beating you to death? What? Is there some kind of serious deeper issue here?"

Yes and the deeper issue is called "painting herself as the victim when she is the violent dominating bully."
A perfect example how 70% of non reciprocal violence in DV has the man ducking his head.
Switch the sexes here and would thr same people be ok with a man lashing a glass of water in his wife's face because she looks at naked men on her phone?
Massive over reaction.

Resultreturn · 16/04/2018 10:01

Limon - Once I had told him how upset I was and invited him to leave he went upstairs and got his stuff and then Ieft.

Shoved him out the door or invited him to leave??