AIBU - just found porn on Husband's phone

[JerryLarryTerryGarry]

Had lovely family lunch out, DH, myself, DD and DS. Came home, DH has to cut the grass. Leaves his phone with me whilst he does to view new family member photo's, then I find 3 videos and 2 photo's of downloaded stuff that shocked me to the core. Didn't jump down his throat at first as I know his brother has sent him things before that he shouldn't have, but then he freely admitted he had downloaded them and his defence was - It's lesbian porn. Threw a glass of water in his face and shoved him out the door and told him not to return. Does anyone else tolerate porn? I don't even know.

Are you serious? You would throw your marriage away over this? He may be having second thoughts himself now he sees he is married to someone unbalanced.

Lulu - I'm not unbalanced - just got a tremendous shock.

I wouldn't be talking divorce over this incident. That is a world of hell compared to an argument about porn. Unless you have been looking for an out of course

SimplySteve that's odd. My post was very clear re what I was referring to

So do I take him back then? I don't know what it will do to DD (13) if I don't.

I think you need to talk to him properly, apologise for the way you reacted, and see how it goes.

Welsh - thanks for that

They're all signed up to Fairtrade certified cooperative subscription services, Bertrand

Absolutely no exploitation involved, and the women actors actually enjoy the gagging. And thanks to porn, us ordinary women can learn to enjoy it too.

The prolapses can be painful, but sometimes one has to suffer for one's art.

Yay progress!

Have you spoken since the incident? Did you allow him back into his own home to get his things together before going to the hotel?

Well if your skint I suggest you stop kicking him out to stay on hotels? It's a added expense and assuming you're able to stop yourself assaulting him and he is happy to come back then he should.

You painted a picture of our family bliss initially, out to lunch, him cutting the grass you looking at baby photos. You're now drip feeding that it's not how it is.

Also has he got his stuff for his course? You pushing him out the door would indicate that he hasn't!

Result - no, it was a happy day actually. I'm explaining the background especially given what we have been through, It was the shock - the pictures etc didn't even bother me that much at first as I felt sure he had been sent them probably by the guys at work - I said to him "I saw some pictures on your phone that I wish I hadn't". He was so noncholant - " Oh I downloaded those ages ago". I just couldn't believe it.

Result - yes he packed fine

Limon - Once I had told him how upset I was and invited him to leave he went upstairs and got his stuff and then Ieft.

So: her response is okay, because of what her husband was looking at. Whereas it wouldn't have been okay if he was looking at something different, am I getting that correctly?

So he's partly to blame, for having photos and videos on his own phone that the OP doesn't like. He shouldn't have been looking at porn if he didn't want to be thrown water over, shoved, and kicked out, right?

Not to mention the fact that not one of us has any idea what the porn was, who made it, how much he knew about how ethical it was. Plenty of people who watch porn care deeply about the ethics behind it and support the performers, pay for it, watch porn made by certain companies with standards and safety features, and so forth. I know MN is generally fairly anti porn but the willingness to use his use of porn against him to justify what OP did is disgusting. Nothing he does on his own phone deserves that reaction.

Nice victim blaming there.

Early in the thread OP you claimed that the thing that bothered you about it was the fact his phone doesn't have a lock so your child could have seen it.

So why didn't you just ask him to put a passcode on the phone?

Sorry if I've missed the answer to this in other pages, but what are your thoughts now on how you reacted (the water, shoving, throwing out)?

And have you ever done that to him before?

Limon - would it be ok for me to leave lots of photo's of random guys doing gross things on my phone for him to find? I don't think so.

Why don't you answer my questions first, then I'll answer yours.

So: her response is okay, because of what her husband was looking at.

I don’t think anyone’s said that it was ok, just that ‘maximising’ her actions into some kind of violent abuse isn’t very helpful.

Limon - I didn't get that question till now. No, it is very out of character for me, and I thought out of character for him to have porn anywhere.

That depends on his attitude to porn.

Also, why is gay sex 'gross'?

waits for dripfeed about his hypocrisy and controlling behaviour

Digest - no drip feed - just background about the stress we have been under, just explaining that is all. If I knew he had watched something at some point I would just have brushed it aside. My issue with him is he had left it there so blatantly.

Ffs people.... the Op had an argument. She threw some water (and didn’t literally throw him out) in anger. Not great, but get off your pedestals... you may never have thrown water (I haven’t either) but none of you will be perfect.... I expect there’s a whole load of passive aggressive emotional ‘abuse’, or other stuff, going on for those of you so outraged by this water incident in your own relationships. Glass houses and all that.

I'm glad it's not something that's happened before. I wasn't sure, with you saying you'd been restrained.

And yes, if you downloaded porn onto your own phone, that would be fine.

I have to wonder, whether you as a couple have ever actually discussed your attitudes to porn before? Or have you just both had different opinions on the use of it in a relationship and this is the first time you've realised you don't agree with each other? Clearly he thinks there's nothing wrong with looking at porn and you do.

Personally I'm fine with porn and we we discussed when we got together, we both are completely happy for the other to watch it whenever we want. But if having an OH who didn't watch porn was important to me, I'd have had that discussion early in the relationship, that I'm against it for whatever reason and it's important to me that a partner of mine not watch it either. Then the other person knows my stance and can choose to stay with me or walk away.

If you've never had this discussion then you're both totally in the dark about how the other would react.

Regardless of how you feel about porn the way you reacted was unacceptable.

If you had done something your partner didn’t like would you have been ok with him throwing a drink over you and pushing you out of the door?

You are within your rights to hate porn. whether you agree with it morally or not he is also equally within his rights to watch porn.

It is very unreasonable to physically assault him because he doesn’t agree with your views.

I honestly think you need to work out why you had such an extreme reaction and then maybe work on the root cause of that. I’m not diminishing the Porn industry or that you would be upset when confronted by something you find upsetting/disgusting but your reaction to it was very unreasonable and maybe looking at how to work on your anger and walking away/calming yourself before reacting would be a good lesson.

If you find porn completely unacceptable and he knows that and agrees with not viewing it then you are within your rights to ask him to leave etc but if he doesn’t agree then you need to decide if you would rather end your marriage or put up with him viewing porn.

You cannot make him behave in a way you want. It’s up to you to either talk to him and reach a compromise or decide you cannot reach any sort of compromise and end it.

I think you should apologise for the way you behaved and go from there.

Precious much? What world do you live in OP? I'm a woman and like to watch gay man porn. Doesn't mean I don't love my husband.
Maybe there is something lacking in you? I now he knows what it is!